NBA Midseason Awards

It's about time for the All Star break, and what a fantastic season it has been! I'll start thinking of this year as the "Twilight Zone Year", as so many weird things have happened. By the time you're done reading this, you'll agree with me. Trust me. But I digress...on to the awards!

Defensive Player of the Year: Does anyone care about this this year? Does anyone notice? Let's just give it to Big Ben Wallace again. He's having a nice season.

Coach of the Year: Avery Johnson, Mavericks. Do you relize the Mavs have the third best record in the entire league? And that they are a half game behind San Antonio for the second? Did you know that the Mavs are ninth in the league in DEFENSE? Did you ever think that would happen? Yeah, me either.

Flip Saunders got some strong consideration here, but he inherited a team that was already great. And I've been telling you for years that Larry Brown is ridiculously overrated as a coach, so he doesn't get as much credit with the oustanding play of the Pistons this season.

Player Who Has Amazed Me the Most This Year: Richard Hamilton, Pistons. He's shooting 50.6% from the field. HE'S A JUMP SHOOTER. He's shooting 50.8% from the three point line! That's insane! Watching him play is just amazing. I know Chauncey is having his best year, and is doing a great job, and is setting everyone on the team up so well, but Hamilton is the one who is most responsible for taking the team to another level. I bet I've watched the Pistons play at least 10 times this season, and every single time the other team goes on a run and the Pistons need a bucket, he scores. EVERY TIME.

And he used to drive me crazy. I used to not be able to stand his game. But since he never misses anymore...wow. Great job Rip.

ROY: Chris Paul, Hornets. This isn't even close. He's on my top ten list for the MVP of the fricking league. We all thought we'd seen the last of the true, great point guards with Jason Kidd, but Paul is even better. He's a pure scorer who shoots well but doesn't look to dominate the game by scoring, is amazingly quick, is surprisingly strong, and is already one of the 5 best passers in the league. Do you realize the Hornets are in the playoffs if the season ended today? How amazing is that? In the West? I thought they would be the worst team in the league! This is a team who's three best players are a rookie, a third year player who averaged 5 points and 4 rebounds his first two seasons, and some white boy who just got kicked out of the league for two years for using one of the "serious" drugs (cocaine, heroine, et all. Nothing wrong with marijuana in the NBA though, don't worry!). He also gets bonus points for being the first player I have ever taken in all 3 of my fantasy leagues (normally I don't like to commit that much to one player, but I felt safe with Paul). He's fantastic.

Player We'd Most Like To See Hit by a Mack Truck (or the Shawn Bradley Memorial Award): Mark Blount, Timberwolves. Bill Simmons has been ranting about him ever since he played hard one season and tricked the Celtics to signing him to a $40 mil deal. He (correctly) predicted that after signing said deal, that Blount would go back to sucking and not caring. Then, when he played the Celtics his second game after being traded to the Wolves, suddenly he was able to have his best game of the seaons (16 pts, 11 rebounds, 4 blocks).

Mr. Blount, we salute you. With our middle fingers.

Most Underappreciated Player in the NBA: Michael Redd, Bucks. Sure, he's making $90 mil, but Redd is avergaing 25.3 points, 4.6 rebounds, 3.1 assists, and 1.07 steals while leading surprising Milwaukee to fifth place in the East. Nobody's giving him any credit for continuing to play well and hard after signing his big deal, and for being a great leader on a young team with a lot of new faces. Way to go, Michael!

The Antoine Walker Memorial Most Overrated Player in the NBA: Ron Artest, Kings. I just don't get it. Why do people keep thinking he's going to be a productive player on any team? Even though I'm not a big fan, I do like this quote from Bill Parcells (he was referring to injured players at the time): "I can't do anything with a player that isn't here." RON ARTEST WILL NEVER BE THERE! He's going to be suspended, either by you or the league, all the time. And if you (the team) don't penalize him when he says things like, "I want to take a month or two off to promote my rap album in the middle of the season", then he's either A) going to go out there and pout and suck until he ruins your team, or he's going to go out there and do something to get himself suspended by the league so he's off like he wanted. Good God.

SOMEONE PLEASE CHECK HIM FOR STEROIDS!!!!!

Things I Never Thought I'd See Happen: Do you realize that KG, Shaq, and Tim Duncan don't matter anymore? Did you ever think that would be the case? KG's team is bad and going nowhere, probably for the rest of his career. Unless he goes somewhere else, he will never truly compete for a title ever again in his career. FUCK YOU, SAM CASSELL AND LATRELL SPREEWELL.

Sorry. Shaq is one, MAYBE 2 seasons away from being done. I mean, he's moved into that Patrick Ewing area of "Good God, my joints start hurting just watching you run up and down the court." He's so stiff it's scary, and it's only going to get worse. In 2 years he won't be able to move.

TD is almost in the same category. I don't think it's so much that his body has given out on him yet; I think it's just that he is smart enough to know that he is one or two injuries away from that happening, so he's out there playing like he's walking on broken glass barefoot. I don't blame him for trying to stay healthy for the playoffs and prolong his career. It just means that he's not nearly as effective. I mean, do you really consider him to be the MVP of the Spurs this year? I'd say--as much as I hate to say it--that Tony Parker is the MVP so far this year, and you could even make a case of Manu being more important than him. Sure, he's the glue that holds the bunch together, but they have been the differencemakers so far.

Maybe he'll turn it around in the playoffs. But the fact is he is averaging career lows in every category--something is off here. But if he doesn't turn it around and I'm Mavs playing him in the playoffs, I'm covering the other four members of the team like crazy and making them not score, and saying to Timmy "score as much as you want buddy. I'm betting whatever your aging body and 65% foul shooting can put up isn't enough to beat us."

Finally, Mid Season MVP's: Honorable Mention: Paul Pierce, Celtics (consider him considered), Gilbert Arenas (poor man's Kobe), Richard Hamilton/Chauncey Billups (no one can decide who is more important, so they cancel each other out from going higher), Allen Iverson (almost made the TD/KG/Shaq list, but his 33pts keeps him here one more season), Chris Paul (see above).

5. Elton Brand, Clippers: 24.6 pts, 10.4 rebs, 52.2% fg, 77.2% ft, 2.6 blocks. Here's what frustrates me about Elton Brand: HE HAS A SEASON LIKE THIS EVERY YEAR. His FG% is a little higher, but other than that he's right where he is every year. He's right there with Shawn Marion for being the Perenially Underappreciated Player.

The difference is the Clips are winning this year. However, since he's averaging pretty much the same stats, does that have more to do with him, or more to do with the additions of Sam Cassell, Cutino Mobley, and the emergence of Chris Kaman? I guess if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, there is no sound.

4. Dirk Nowitzki, Mavs: 25.9 pts, 8.4 rebs, 47.7% fg, 42.9% 3pt, 88.9% ft. Oustanding season for a surprising Mavs team. Even more surprising considering how poorly he handled the leadership of the team in the playoffs. He did a good job of rebounding from that.

He's be higher if he wasn't averaging career lows in rebounds, blocks, steals, and assists. I'm much more enthusiastic about Avery winning Coach of the Year than I am about Dirk winning the MVP.

3. Lebron James, Cavs: 31.2 pts, 6.9 rebs, 49.3% fg, 35.4% 3pt, 73.1% ft, 6.3 asts, 1.7 stls. Phenominal season, and the Cavs finally have enough firepower to go not only make but make some noise in the playoffs (not a knock on Lebron; it wasn't his fault his teams weren't good enough in the past). However, he needs to be more clutch. Quit settling for bad jumpers at the end of the game Lebron! He doesn't seem to have that "I'm going to fin kill them" desire to take over the game at the end like--dare I say it--Jordan did. Also, let's raise that FT% too.

Yes, we're nit picking you Lebron. But you're so good we have to.

2. Steve Nash, Suns. 19.3 pts, 4.5 rebs, 47.9% fg, 42.4% 3pt, 92.4% ft, 11.4 asts, .9 stls. If there were any doubts as to Nash being the MVP last year, he put them to rest this year. I agree with those pundits who say that Nash is even more deserving of the trophy this year than he was last. Nash has taken a mediocre team and moved them into SECOND FRICKING PLACE in the West. Not only that, but his leadership has been incredible. Do you think Boris Diaw would be half the player he is without having to Nash to watch and learn from night in and night out? You can watch Diaw watch him and say, "hey, I can kind of play like that too!" James Jones is averaging 10pts a game. JAMES FRICKING JONES. Just incredible. Hats off to you, little Stevie Nash. You would assuredly be the MVP most years had it not been for the insane performance of...

1. Kobe Bryant, Lakers. 81 points in one game.

Sure, I can put all his stats up there, which are impressive. But we all know what kind of season he is having. And though I still loathe Kobe, he's been so good he's done two things I never thought would ever happen: 1) He's got people outside of LA cheering for him, and 2) his Lakers are in position to make the playoffs, in spite of the fact that outside of him and Lamar Odom they are absolutely horrible.

So I begruggingly give Kobe the MVP award. Congrats Koab. It's what you always wanted.

And yes, I watched (most) of the Stephen A interview with him last night, and yes, more on that later.

Remember everyone...the NBA...it's FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!!!

Quite A Picture

Whether you are a UT fan or not, this is pretty impressive.

Coupla things...Sports Edition!

* Vince Young. After his incredible performance in the Rose Bowl, I had one friend get a little too excited and compare him to Michael Jordan. After advising her to calm down and take a deap breath before she made any more insane statements, I took her advice and thought about the future of Mr. Young, and more specifically, who would I take first in the NFL draft: Leinart, Bush, or Young?

First I think you throw Leinart out of the mix. He's a "consider him considered" player when you compare him to the other two. Sure, he could be great, but he also could be Ryan Leaf. His ceiling isn't near as high as Bush or Young's, so while he is a great pick, he's a distant third of those three.

Let's look at Young. He's 6'5" 233. To compare, Michael Vick is 6'0" 215. So Young should be able to take more of a pounding than Vick can, thus avoiding the nagging injuries that continue to plague Vick's career. Young is a great leader, and has an incredible sense of "The Moment". This guy is a clutch player. However, while he has improved his passing, there are legitamite concerns about his throwing ability. As good as his game against USC was, did he complete a pass over 15 yards? I don't think so. That throwing motion is attrocious to look at, and I think it's safe to say at this point that that isn't going to change.

Let's look at Bush. One of the most incredible players to ever play college football, he earned comparisons to Earl Campbell and Gail Sayers. He can literally do it all. Run, catch, return punts, you name it. Texas was happy about holding him to "only" 177 all purpose yards in the Rose Bowl. Only. He is truly breathtaking to watch. However...what position does he really play? He's too small to be a 30 carries a night NFL running back. He's a jack of all trades, but is he a master of any one that will set him apart at the next level?

I honestly don't know who to take. Both players are amazingly breathtaking to watch, but both have legitimate issues to their games that could affect them in the next level. Vince has the hometown edge in that he's from Houston, but Houston has a good young quarterback in David Carr (I know that is debatable, but that's a conversation for a different day). In the end, I think I'd take Bush first, because I think that with a decent coach and offensive line Carr will be a good quarterback. But no one could fault the Texans for taking either player.

They're both just incredible.

* Please, please, PLEASE Kevin McHale do everything you can to get Steve Francis out of Orlando. Please. The Wolves DESPERATELY need another star player--someone to fill up the box score. I don't want Marbury or Artest. Neither would be a good fit, and both would be self destructive. Francis, however, would be a perfect fit. People forget how good this guy is: he's averaged 19.5 points, 6.4 assists, and 6.0 rebounds over his career. That's awesome. Sure, he freaks out when he's in a bad situation, but playing with KG for a playoff team (which the Wolves would be if they had him)? He'll be fine. Plus his value with the Magic is low right now coming off his "conduct detrimental" suspension. You can get him for $.50 on the dollar. I'd offer Wally and Olowakandi's expiring contract, and maybe even your first rounder. You should be able to get him for that easily. Make it so Kevin!

* Marcus Vick, Michael Vick's little brother, was kicked off of Virginia Tech's football team for a litany of on and off the field problems, including stomping on a defensive end's leg who sacked him in a bowl game and giving alcohol to 15 year old girls. This led to numerous stories in the media with a theme of, "Poor Marcus Vick, he's messed up because he had to grow up in his brother's shadow, it's really not his fault". I really just have one comment to that.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's get a life here people. This kid is a star athlete who grew up the younger brother of a star athlete, so he has had EVERYTHING handed to him his entire life. Forget big brother pressure. At some point every person is responsible for their own actions, and this moron was given umpteen chances to succeed BECAUSE of his brother and his athletic ability. In spite of being given God only knows how many second chances, he's still an arrogant asshole who managed to screw things up. Screw you Marcus Vick; all of your problems are your fault and no one else's.

* Wanna know what my favorite part of the Vince Young press conference where he announced he was going pro was? When he made his comments about how he would get his degree. It was hiliarous!

So Vince is sitting there, talking away and trying to look sad about his decision to leave, in spite of the fact that he knows his dream/goal of making it to the NFL is going to come true, and he will without question be a top 2 pick and be rich for the rest of his life. Then all of the sudden you can see the light bulb pop up over Vince's head, as he finally saw his agent jumping up and down in the back of the room waving a huge sign that said, "Say you're going to get your degree! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR DEGREE!!!" Vince then mumbles, "Oh yeah, I'm going to, uh, get my degree. {Pause} Becuase, uh, I told my mom I'd get my degree." It was awesome. You could totally tell that A) he has no interest or intention of getting his degree, and B) that that's something his agent told him to say during the press conference, he forgot to bring up when he was supposed to bring it up, and then forgot the lines they had rehearsed about getting his degree and why he wanted it.

My question is, why even bring it up? Who cares? He doesn't need his degree! He didn't go to college to get a degree, he went to college to be a top five pick in the NFL. Done. No one really expects him to get or ever use whatever degree he had in school! And if his Mom was really adamant about him getting his degree, he wouldn't have looked like he just forgot to thank his old babysitter who's his mom's best friend and she asked him to thank so her name could be said on TV, but he really doesn't even remember who that lady is. Come on! You're not fooling anyone here.

* Once again, I hate the way the NBA hands out NBA seedings. The Mavericks are tied for the best record in the West...yet they are in fourth fucking place since they are second in their division (which not even I, NBA king that I am, can name you all 6 divisions, let alone which teams make up each) to the Spurs. The Nuggets--8.5 games BEHIND the Mavericks--are ahead of them in third.

David, this is your worst idea ever. And remember, I would vote for you for President of the United States, and this idea is horrible.

* Okay, did anyone have a Steelers-Seahawks Super Bowl? I mean ANYBODY? I didn't think so.

* What the Hell is going on with the Boston Red Sox? So Theo leaves the Red Sox for two months, but now he's coming back and has two co-GM's with him? There's some sordid tales working in there.

* And, finally, Kobe's 81 point game last night. Two words for you:

Simply amazing.

81 points, 61% FG, 90% FT, 54% 3PT, 8 rebounds, 2 assists, 3 steals, 1 block, only 3 turnovers.

And it was a come from behind victory for the Lakers. I mean, that is literally the second best individual performance in the history of the NBA.

Say what you will about Kobe (remember, pronounced Koab)--and I have--but that was a phenomanal perfomance, and worthy of our respect. I don't know if we'll ever see that again in our lifetime.

Congrats Kobe. For at least one night, the world was rooting and cheering for you.

Insert Blonde Joke Here

My favorite part is the cheerleader first on the left is laughing at her, and the second is looking at her like "what is that dumb ho DOING?" Priceless.

Cheaters Never Prosper, or the 2005 Indianapolis Colts Story

Unfortunately, we do know that Cheaters do prosper. Quit often, in fact. But sometimes they don't, and it's always nice to enjoy it when things work as they should.

So where to begin? We'll begin with the Patriots winning their third Super Bowl in four years last year. Great job, go Pats, everyone loves Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck, as they should.

{Author's Note: No, I'm not going to go look up how to spell these names. I don't like football that much. So enjoy watching me spell Bill Beliceck's name 8 different ways, with none of them being the right way. I digress, sorry.}

This was immediately met with the Commissioner of the NFL, Paul Tagliabue, deciding, "I want the Colts to win the Super Bowl no matter what next year."

Now there are two reasons for Taglibue to want this to happen: 1) Taglibue is the architect for our modern "Parity" NFL, where it is impossible to keep a good team together for more than a couple of years (thanks to the salary cap), so any team has a chance to compete any year. Apparently, Taglibue hates dynasties with a passion, and thus he must LOATHE the Pats, since in spite of his best efforts they have managed to establish themselves as such. 2) Peyton Manning--the son of former NFL great Archie Manning (was he even that great? I really don't know I'm asking)--is the Golden Boy of the NFL, and in spite of having several talented teams has fallen short of reaching the Super Bowl every year. The NFL would LOVE to see arguably its most marketable star it has with their fan-friendly high octane offense in the league's premier game. Now I don't know which reason Taglibue had for deciding to crown the Colts the Super Bowl 40 champions--perhaps it was both, but he most certainly did so.

First, he was pleased to note that the Super Bowl would be in a Bowl rather than an outdoor stadium. This is more conducive to the Colts offense. Second, he gave the Pats the hardest possible schedule this season. Next, he gave the Colts the easiest schedule in the history of the NFL. Okay, maybe not the easiest in the history of the NFL, but it was up there. The Colts played the 7 worst teams in the NFL up to their big grudge match with the Patriots in Week 9--which was an incredibly important game for the Colts, as they needed to finally beat a Brady/Bellicheck team in order to lose the psychological disadvantage they had against them--while the Patriots played the toughest schedule in the league up to that point. The Colts even got a bye in week 8 so they would be well rested for the Pats! I mean seriously. At least pretend to make it fair, Paul!

So the Colts make it to 13-0, everything is going EXACTLY according to plan--and then the Peyton Manning Choke Factor kicked in. You see, I don't like Peyton Manning. I hate the way the guy carries himself: he thinks he's God's gift to football, and is the smartest, best player in the history of the game. I hate the way he is constantly moving around and calling out blockers and new plays; I hate the way he constantly waves off coaches calls for whatever he feels like doing; I hate the way he loves to pad his stats by running up the score whenever possible; I hate the way he ALWAYS blames someone or something else whenever anything goes wrong.

Anyway, so once the Colts make it to 13-0 and the "wow, we might really go undefeated!" talk gets realistic and serious...the Colts go out and blow 2 straight. Then they don't play any of their regular players in the last game of the season, in a win against Cardinals. Then they have a first week bye.

Now here's where the Achille's heal of Taglibue's plan reared it's ugly head. It's a very well known phenomenon in sports that I like to call, "The Rest Fallacy". What this is is the belief that extra time off and lots of rest is the most important thing in the world to an athlete. In most instances, however, nothing could be further from the truth. Just go look at teams that take extended time off. They ALWAYS come back flat. Sure, a week in football our a couple extra days in basketball and baseball isn't a bad thing, but any more than that will throw off a team's rhythm dramatically. Once you get rolling as a team/athlete, you don't want it to stop. You want to stick to your routine and ride it out. Even if you're suffering from minor injuries sometimes rest isn't a good thing: your body gets accustomed to dealing with them as they are, so when you get a couple extra days it heals the injury a little--but not nearly fully--and so it throws your body off. So The Rest Fallacy that all the fat white sportswriters think is the most important thing in the world is more often than not a detriment.

So what happens to the Colts after not playing for what, two and a half weeks? They go out and are totally out of sync until the fourth quarter, and are dominated by the Steelers. Peyton Manning is missing receivers, getting sacked, and looking scared to death of the Steelers rush instead of making good tough throws in the pocket. The Peyton Manning Choke Factor is in full affect.

But not to worry! Taglibue is here to save the day! With the Colts down 21-10, Steelers safety Troy Polliemalu (ha!) makes a dramatic interception to end the game for the Colts. But no! He fumbles out of bounds after the catch, but the refs somehow REVERSE THE CALL AND SAY HE DIDN'T HAVE AN INTERCEPTION.

Here's how bad the call was: the NFL came out on Monday and said the wrong call was made. They admitted they screwed up! You could practically hear Taglibue talking to the Ref as he watched the replay with those headphones on yelling, "You reverse that God damn call! That was not an interception! Use the 'football move' excuse; no one has any clue what we're talking about anyway when we say that!" Combine that with a couple other HIGHLY questionable calls against Pittsburgh, and it's no wonder that Steeler's linebacker Joey Porter accused the Refs (correctly) of calling the game against the Steelers.

The Colts score, and then Jerome Bettis uncharacteristically fumbles on the goal line, leaving the Colts with a last second 46 yard field goal for their star kicker, Vanderjafl;ahgiaobao;bvj;liafjeeaa. This guy is good. He's never missed at home. He's never missed in the playoffs. He hardly ever misses, EVER.

And this is where cheaters never prosper. On what should have been an easy kick for this, one of the best kickers in the game, that would tie the game and surely allow the Colts to win in overtime--momentum had changed, and the Steelers were, as Porter said, playing two opponents: the Colts and the Refs. But here Taglibue's tampering caught up with him, and Manning's being a shitty person and player caught up with him, and Vanderja;fljeafjeale being a loud mouth caught up with him, and Karma held sway, and justice was served.

The kick wasn't even close. Wide WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY right. Justice was served.

After the game, Manning did what he always does: blamed anyone and everyone else for his failures. "I'm trying to be a good teammate here...but we had some problems with protections today." If I were his offense line, first play of next season I would fall over like Billy Bob does in Varsity Blues and let him get laid out. But that's just me. I guess that makes me a "bad" teammate, unlike Peyton Manning.

So justice was served yesterday. Peyton Manning got what was coming to him, and Taglibue's disgustingly obvious plan was foiled. Screw both of them.

And screw the NFL.

Racism

I'd like to give some credit to the least racist country in the world. Please take a bow, United States of America.

Surprised? You probably should be. Between reading newspapers & magazines, watching the news on TV, and listening to the rest of the world talk about us, you would think that we are the most racist country in the world. That's what they all say.

Well fuck you all. You're wrong, and most of you are lying about it.

Let me explain. Seriously take a look at the rest of the world. There were riots in France recently--nothing new with that--over the treatment of different races. Martial law had to be declared in the entire country for at least 4 months. Asia? Africa? The Slavic Countries? The Middle East? It's not just us they want to kill, just ask the Sunis and Shiites about that. The rest of Europe? They can't even stand each other; look how long it took them to get the EU together, and several countries are already voting the EU Constitution down, and can barely stand using the same money. Forget about it if any non-Euros come in there.

So the rest of the world is really racist, once you sit down and think about it. But what about in the past? Let's talk about slavery. How long did slavery exist in this country? From 1776 to 1863? Not even 100 years. What other country in the world can boast that? Any of the European countries? Any African countries? Now I know what you're thinking: our youth as a country helped contribute to that. I don't deny that. But wasn't slavery a huge issue in coming up with the Constitution? From before our country even began there was a movement against it. That practice was carried out in other countries long before and long after we practiced that. And not just in Anglo-Saxon countries either. Every nation in the world had slaves at one time or another.

Do you know why racism is such a huge issue in this country? Do you know why we're talking about it? Because we're trying to do something the rest of the world isn't: fix the problem. Our country has made an honest and sincere effort to get rid of all racial inequalities. We pass laws to make things fair, we lambast companies, institutions, or people who are racist, and we even go as far as to pass laws to help those who have suffered in the past. It's not just making things even; it's making up for the sins of the past.

No one likes to talk about this. Everyone wants to look at our faults, and the shortcomings, and the uneducated, idiotic, or evil people who cling to racist beliefs. It's a lot easier and more popular to point out something bad than to congratulate something good.

Well I say good for you America. Every American reading this should stand up and pat themselves on the back. I honestly believe racism will always be with us, "us" being the human race. Some people are evil and like to hate, and will always cling to those beliefs. However, we can make it so that is a small minority of people, and that they cannot let their perverse views hurt another person, or keep them down. America has been and continues to work for that goal, and I'm proud of America for that, and it's yet another reason why I'm proud to be an American.

So if anybody else in the world tells you that America is racist, tell them to piss off. No one can look down at us on this issue. And if an American tells you America is racist, say, "Yeah, but we're trying to fix it, and we're doing a pretty good job. If you think you can get it better anywhere else in the world, good luck, cause you're wrong."

Thanks America. Keep working hard at this, and keep up the good work.

A friendly reminder from your host here at PJ's Place

Don't forget: as of today stamps are now $.39, up from $.37.

I could do a post about how the post office was such a great idea, but now it sucks and they are just running themselves out of business, but I think I just summed it up pretty well right there.

You're not going to believe this...

But I watched Dancing With The Stars last night.

Why, do you ask? Have I finally tired of women completely and gone over to the "other" side? Am I seeing some woman who I am smitten over and she forced me to watch? Have I become a couch potato?

Nope. I watched it for The Nascar Syndrome. What is that, you might ask? Why thank you for asking, I reply. The Nascar Syndrome is the part in all of us that wants to see a car crash happen--badly. It's why people watch Nascar: they don't watch it to watch guys drive in a circle for hours, they watch it to see someone crash. And I knew someone would crash. In fact, I knew two someone's would crash in this. So here's a somewhat "running" diary of the event. I won't COMPLETELY copy off of Bill Simmons by doing times (and I didn't bother to write anything down, so I don't know when anything happened), but this seems to work best for this show.

Introduction. Welcome to Dancing With The Stars! Blah blah blah blah. The hosts are Token Hot Chick and The Guy Who Hosts Hollywood Squares. You know, I actually The Guy Who Hosts Hollywood Squares--he's good at hosting dumb shows, and he doesn't seem to mind doing it. That's why everyone hates Bob Sagget--when he hosted America's Funniest Home Videos, from day one he has a "I'm getting paid to do this, right?" look on his face, which quickly translated to "I'm going to kill myself because this is the only job I can get" look. You are what you are. Some people are huge stars, like Julia Roberts or Mel Gibson, and some people are good dumb TV game show hosts, so just be happy with what you've got, and this guy is.

We quickly meet the judges, the first of whom is Carrie Ann Inaba. She's the nice black guy on American Idol. I just read her bio on the DWTS home page, and was SHOCKED to find out she was also Fook Yu in Goldmember. WOW! I didn't see that coming. She's also a choreographer. Second is Len Goodman, the crusty old British guy. He doesn't have an AI counterpart; this is their way to try to pretend like their not copying off of AI. Of course, though, they do have Simon, in the form of Bruno Tonioli, some Italian choreographer who apparently once appeared in an Elton John video. It's actually pretty funny because the crowd boos him HEAVILY whenever he starts going negative, which of course just makes him yell insults louder. I'll give him this much credit, though: if you're good, he does compliment you.

George Hamilton & Edyta Sliwinksa. They did a Cha Cha. She was fantastic--incredibly beautiful, and I loved her dress--very revealing but in a classy way. George, though, is old. He did a lot of standing there, and was too stiff to truly get into the dance. He was also RIDICULOUSLY out of breath at the end of the competition--especially when they didn't move around too much. He played the "I'm old, have pity on me" routine a lot. Not bad, but not real good. Judges gave them an 18; I might have gone a point or two higher, but that's not a bad score.

Lisa Rinna & Louis van Amstel. At least I think she was next. This is the lady with the HUGE lips who's married to the lockjaw-looking guy from LA Law. Good God her lips are huge; seriously, they make Julia Roberts lips look small. I'm not even joking, as scary as that statement is. Anyway, she and Louis did a waltz--it wasn't bad, wasn't that good. She needs to be sharper. What was funniest is when one of the judges made a comment that they looked good together, which was a polite way of saying, "Wow, you two look a lot alike, almost like brother and sister--and that's kind of creepy!" 19, which was right on.

Kenny Mayne & Andrea Hale. YAY!!! Our first Nascare Syndrome of the evening! For those of you who don't know, Kenny Mayne is a Sportcenter anchor whose famous line is, "And the finest meats and cheeses for everyone!" Yeah. I know. It's stupid. He's one of the most wooden, uptight, and unfunny SC guys--so of course ABC, let's pick him to be on the show since Disney is Hell bent on combining the two networks into one (Disney now owns both ESPN and ABC)!

I can see the thought process on this one: "Okay, we don't want to embarrass one of our own, so let's at least stick him with the hottest and best dancer we have." Well, they did that. Andrea Hale is UNBELIEVABLY hot, and did a great job dancing too. I felt so sorry for her--she's not dumb, she knew she was screwed as soon as she landed Kenny Mayne. But she didn't go Bob Sagget on us, she just decided to dance her little heart out and look gorgeous at the same time. I'm now rooting for Kenny Mayne just so we can see more of her. Anyway, the clips of them practicing (they show clips of each couple meeting and practicing before they dance) were great. Kenny would screw up, and just start joking around, and Andrea would have to keep telling him, "stop trying to be funny, Kenny" and "you start to lose your dancing when you start joking around". Kenny also kept bringing up his wife, too, either to use the "I have a wife and kids so I can't dance" excuse, or to remind himself of that so he wouldn't try to sleep with Andrea.

They did a Cha Cha, and let me tell you, seeing Kenny Mayne in a frilly black silk shirt was enough to make watching the whole show worthwhile. He was pretty damn bad, she danced her heart out cause she knew she had to carry him, but it was a losing battle. The judges ripped into him a little, but held back because they knew that they weren't going to be there long. They got a 13.

Stacy Keibler & Tony Dovolani. Stacy is a pro wrestler, and is fricking hot. Incredible body, and her abs (which she showed off well in her very revealing dress) were amazing. You literally had to marvel at them they were so well defined. However, I had to laugh--my middle finger is probably bigger than the arms of this "professional wrestler" (she's on the WCW). I refuse to believe that that tiny body can generate much power. But anyway, her wrestling athleticism helped her out well here. She's a good dancer who can pull off a lot of moves that most other dancers physically can't do.

We were also introduced here to one of my favorite aspects of the night, the Foreign Male Dancer. These guys all think that they are the coolest, best looking, and most powerful men in the WORLD. They are literally God's gift to mankind. We are not worthy of their very presence. Any woman they look upon should immediately disrobe for them, and any man they sneer upon is not worthy of their presence. And their practice sessions were awesome--it's a total cheesy movie ripoff of "I'll be super hard on and rude to you in training, break you down to where you are just a pawn in my hands, and by the end I will have turned you both into a great dancer and my love slave." I wanted to walk up to one of those guys and go, "Really? Does that actually work for you? And do you think that's going to work with these CELEBRITY women, who are actually much cooler and much more relevant than you are?" Sadly, I probably don't want to know the answer, because it probably works a lot more than I would like to admit. The lesson, as always: women are idiots.

Anyway, Stacey is my dark horse pick to win this thing. She's just such a good athlete that most people are going to have trouble physically competing with her. They did a waltz, which was nice, but you could tell they were just scratching the surface. 22.

Drew Lachey & Cheryl Burke. I'll give this show this, they try to make it more even. Drew was in the boy band 98 Degrees, and is Nick's little brother. Obviously, since he's in a boy band, he should be the favorite to win this thing. So they stuck him with the ugliest dancer. She's not a bad dancer, just not very attractive. Anyway, they won the night, with a 24 while doing a Cha Cha. Shocking that a professional dancer would be the celebrity that won. I hope they're both out of here quickly, but they won't be. Still, if I was betting money, I'd probably bet on them.

Master P & Ashly DelGrosso. ROFLMAO. This is the reason I watched this show. Now I remember in high school, when I was listening to P, when he was an in-shape rapper. Covers of his album featured him with his shirt off, where he had a body like 50 Cent. Remember, this is a guy who tried out for the Raptors (back when they were good even), and played in a couple preseason games.

Now, however I would guesstimate that he has gained at least 150 pounds. That's right. He's HUGE! Remember when Shawn Kemp got fat, and you were horrified at his appearance and didn't even want to look at him? That's P now. So when you combine that with the fact that this show is the very antithesis of gangsta rap, well, I had to watch the train wreck.

It was everything I hoped for. P looked TERRIFIED--he hasn't been this scared since he was slingin dope on the streets of New Orleans, and he probably wasn't even that scared then. He wore a baseball cap when he danced, and didn't even have dancing shoes on--just some rubber soled shoes. He did do the moves, but looked totally uninterested and scared feel to the whole thing. It was painful to watch. It was great.

I felt sorry for Ashly, who danced her little heart out. Alas, it was to no avail. They were so bad the judges were actually nice to them, and the 12 they got wasn't deserved. Afterwards, P played the Katrina card--"I'm doing it for all my people back in New Orleans"--and the thugz can love, too card--"I'm doing this to show people that gangstas can do other things". Highest of high comedy.

Giselle Frenandez & Jonathan Roberts. Giselle is a TV anchor who was by far the oldest woman there. She obviously worked very hard at learning to dance; technically, she did a great job. However, there was no passion or fire at all to this dance. Jonathan has no personality and dances like it, and she was so focused on performing all the moves that she had little more fire than he did. As I told my Puerto Rican buddy who was in the weight room with me, "He dances like a white boy." They'll be there at the very end because technically they were so good, but their lack of fire and passion will keep them from winning it all. The did a waltz and got a 23, which I thought was the worst score of the night. I would have gone no higher than 20.

More comedy: afterwards Giselle and The Token Hot Chick Host who interviewed everyone after the dance focused on how hard she worked to prepare. They kept leaving off the, "Yes, I worked this hard because I'm much older than the other women here and thus not as hot, so I have to be technically good and not rely on my body like they do." Way to dance around that in the interview, Giselle.

Jerry Rice & Anna Trebunskaya. Jerry got paired with the unattractive scary Russian chick, who's not as hot or as talented as she thinks she is. She has a very Ivan Dragoish "I will break you" attitude, which was amusing because I'm sure it's been a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time since anyone has ever yelled at Jerry Rice or told him he was doing something wrong. He did a decent job dancing. Good leg movement, but his upper body was very tight--he needs to loosen up and flow more.

I couldn't resist. I made tons of "I think Jerry would do a better job if he was dancing with a man" jokes, especially after they showed not a wife or girlfriend or, Hell, even a hot mistress in the crowd--but his Mom. And the outfits he wore to practice were great. He was by far the best and most fashionably dressed at the practices, including the women. Jerry gets the "queer as a three dollar bill" remark. I love it. How do you like that, football fans? Remember, he's one of the greatest football players ever.

Tia Carrere & Max Chmerkovskiy. I love Tia Carrere. Always have. I felt she never got credit as being a good actress. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

Tia just had a baby 1.5 months ago, and man it shows. Good for her for not being one of those creepy Hollywood Moms who doesn't gain a pound when she's pregnant. Tia is obviously carrying a significant amount of baby weight, but didn't let that bother her. I really like this lady. Also, this led to her bringing her baby to her first practice session with her Foreign Male Dancer. The expression on his face when she brought that baby in was PRICELESS.

They did a great job with the dance--a nice waltz which they got a 20 on. Like I said, even though she's still a bit heavy from the Tia we remember as an actress, she looked elegant and beautiful, and did a great job dancing. They'll have trouble later on when they are asked to do more ambitious dances than the waltz, but they'll go far.

Tatum O'Neal & Nick Kosovich. This was reason number 3 why I watched this show. I'd always heard about how crazy Tatum O'Neal is/was, but I was too young to see her stardom and marriage to McEnroe. I was curious to see if she does anything crazy. Well let me tell you something kids: she looks great. Beautiful woman for her age, and dresses up elegantly, but you can see that crazy bubbling underneath the surface, just BEGGING for a chance to get out. She's paired with an Aussie, who claimed he was a stereotypical Foreign Male Dancer, but he did not have the attitude of the other FMDs. He looked like he was kind of afraid of Tatum, and I don't blame him.

High Comedy from O'Neal: seeing all the tattoos on her body in practice that they had to cover up with the dress; watching her be really nice to the judges who were absurdly nice to her, but still making some little crazy comments in the interview; but the best was watching Tatum get "tired" in practice. They'd be dancing, but then Tatum would get a stomachache from "all the spinning". And you know what? Coffee seemed to be the only cure! Huh! Isn't that amazing? The best was at one point when Max snapped at her, "Are you going to dance, or go home and be sick to your stomach?" and Tatum shot him a "I've killed much more important people than you" look as the cameras quickly switched back to the interview. I'm telling you, there will be some crazy moments from that woman during this thing. If anybody will go nuts and attack the judges, it's Tatum O'Neal.

Conclusion. And that's it. P will surely be voted off tomorrow, and next week they're back at it. I doubt I'll watch again but you never know; I might need to see Stacey and Andrea again. In the end, the show gave me what I wanted from it: some hot women wearing next to nothing, come crazy moments, and some train wrecks. Not bad for network TV!

Coupla things...

* Okay, we all know I don't really give a shit about football. But what a great game last night. Vince Young is incredible. There's really no other way to describe it. The guy is like Lebron: neither of them look like they're running that hard or moving that fast, and then all of the sudden you realize that they're moving past EVERYBODY. Just an incredible athlete, and a great player. Fantastic game.

* 4 words for Pete Caroll and Matt Leiner: shame on you both. Both of them announced after the game that "they felt that they were the better team" and listed things they did well against the Longhorns. Well, let me count the ways you are wrong:
1) The Longhorns kicked the SHIT out of their opponents all season, whereas you had several close calls.
2) The Longhorns' defense is far and away better than yours.
3) Oh they did something else...oh I can't remember...oh wait yeah...THEY BEAT YOU IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!
Let me put it to you this way. Yes, it's true, when a champion is decided in tournament style, or based on one game, then yes, the best team doesn't necessarily win. That's why the NCAA tournament is so popular--everybody has a chance, because most good teams can win any one game on any given day. In the NBA, they do series, so out of 7 games, the better team wins. You KNOW that the best team won, because somebody didn't just get hot to win one or even two games.

HOWEVER, when the system has been set up in the tourney or one game style, that's it. That's how you judge the better team. So no fucking whining about how you are the better team--you knew you had one game to win, that's how the system is set up, and you didn't win it. It's not like the system has changed recently; it's been this way for about a hundred years. Shame on you; you are too good of a team and have had too proud of a tradition the last few years to go out like that. And this wasn't exactly Villanouva over Georgetown, either--this was number 1 v number 2 in one of the closest, most dramatic games ever.

In short, the Texas Longhorns ARE the better team. They proved it. And you two shut the fuck up about it and accept it.

* Why does it always smell funny in Movie Trading Companies? ALWAYS. No matter how new they are or how new the building is, it always smells funny in there. It's like a comic book shop. The company is owned by Blockbuster now; you'd think they could clean the carpets or do something!

* So Marion Berry--the former DC mayor who was caught smoking crack while in office, and then STILL got reelected--was robbed at gunpoint the other day. Here's my question: Marion, if they were crackheads and were robbing you for drug money, are you really going to press charges? Let he without sin cast the first stone, Marion.

* I have a question for The Worldwide Leader In Sports: is there anything that's not Insider on espn.com anymore? It's ridiculous out there. Insider is their monthly subscription service. I believe it's like $20 a month and you get access to more articles and analysis. It used to be just a few things were insider, but now it's almost to the point where you can't even get the score to the UT-USC game without being an insider.

* So Lindsey Lohan admitted to Vanity Fair that she was bulimic and used cocaine. After her publiscist found out, they immediately called VF and demanded that the story be retracted.

How stupid do they think people really are? I mean, I know a lot of people are really stupid, but come on! Look at the girl! There's a difference between "we don't know" and "we don't care".

* Jim Haslett was recently fired as the New Orleans Saints coach. Now, I'm sad to see him go. Sure, in the last five years he's been one of the worst coaches in the NFL, consistantely DRASTICALLY underacheieving with his teams that usually had good talent. But the guy was fun because he had no control at all over his teams. Players would get in fights after cheating with each other's wives, Ricky Williams had his whole fiasco, teammates would argue in the media--you never knew what exactly was going to come out of New Orleans. It was always entertaining, and let's be honest: a guy who runs a ship like that is PERFECT for the city of New Orleans.

* Finally, I've recently become a huge fan of That 70's Show, adding it to my expansive list of "popular shows that I didn't watch when they were on network TV, but started watching once they were on TNT or TBS and fell in love with them" (I smell a top five list coming!!). And I must say, I think that Kitty and Red Foreman are the greatest TV couple EVER. Hilarious doesn't quite cover those two: they are so incredibly funny in such a realistic way that I always find myself getting nostalgic and appreciating the fine job they are doing as I'm watching. Debra Jo Rupp and Kurtwood Smith are perfectly cast in those roles, too. I can't picture anyone else playing them. And yes, the Foremans do remind me of my parents--especially Red.

The one thing I can't stand about that show: Kelso. Has Ashton Kutcher ever been good in anything? I think we all know the answer to that.

X-Men 3

Just watched the trailer for X-Men 3. From watching it in slow-mo and checking out the credits, here's what I see:

* Storm has a much more prominent role in this movie.
* Lots of Wolverine & Jean scenes. They seem to be REALLY playing up the Wolverine & Jean love angle. On the same token, very little of Cyclops is shown. Are they going to write off Cyclops? As much as I've always dreamed of that in a way...I don't know if I'm on board with that drastic of a shift in the storyline from the comics.
* Also, big battle in the forest between grief stricken Cyclops and Wolverine. I think we all know who wins that.
* Juggernaut is WAYYYYYYYY too small. Not that anyone could be as big as Juggernaut, but still. CGI him up or something.
* Beast, Shadowcat, Angel, and Moira MacTaggart are new, and all play fairly prominent roles.
* Rogue, Colossus, Shadowcat, and Iceman all join the team officially, and are given the uniforms.
* Colossus is in the movie, though I don't know if he armors up, and will not play a prominent role, which PISSES ME OFF!
* Characters in the movie that don't play prominent roles: Multiple Man, Trask (I saw lasers in the preview...but I didn't see any Sentinals), Siryn, Calisto, Jubilee, and Omega Red. How Omega Red can not play a prominent role in anything is beyond me; this is a villain that takes a backseat to none, even Magneto.
* Jean apparently joins the Brotherhood. Obviously this is their take on the "Dark Phoenix" Saga, leaving out all the crap about the Shiar and the M'kron Crystal. Good riddince, I say. That's one of the worst X-Men storylines ever.
* May 26 is the release date.

Even though they will never read this, I'd like to give a thanks to the actors here. Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen...these are some premier actors and actresses out there right now. And NONE of them have gotten to high and mighty to come back and make a third movie about a comic book. Thank you all for coming in, doing a great job, and helping this series be outstanding. Thank you all very much.

Don't worry...

I'm alive. I've been off the last week for Christmas. My place of employment gives us the week of Christmas off. That's right. Paid week of vacation at Christmas. And it was 75-80 every day of that vacation. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate cold weather? So do you realize how excited I was to have that week off with that weather? Yeah. That was probably one of the best weeks of my LIFE.

Anyway, I'm back, and since I didn't want to start off the year on a negative foot, I'm not going to share my Racism in America post with you yet. However, as I haven't really been paying any attention to the outside world lately, I'm not really ready to share anything else with you, either. So sit tight and I'll work on a Coupla Things for you tomorrow or Thursday. Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year. Til then!