You're not going to believe this...
But I watched Dancing With The Stars last night.
Why, do you ask? Have I finally tired of women completely and gone over to the "other" side? Am I seeing some woman who I am smitten over and she forced me to watch? Have I become a couch potato?
Nope. I watched it for The Nascar Syndrome. What is that, you might ask? Why thank you for asking, I reply. The Nascar Syndrome is the part in all of us that wants to see a car crash happen--badly. It's why people watch Nascar: they don't watch it to watch guys drive in a circle for hours, they watch it to see someone crash. And I knew someone would crash. In fact, I knew two someone's would crash in this. So here's a somewhat "running" diary of the event. I won't COMPLETELY copy off of Bill Simmons by doing times (and I didn't bother to write anything down, so I don't know when anything happened), but this seems to work best for this show.
Introduction. Welcome to Dancing With The Stars! Blah blah blah blah. The hosts are Token Hot Chick and The Guy Who Hosts Hollywood Squares. You know, I actually The Guy Who Hosts Hollywood Squares--he's good at hosting dumb shows, and he doesn't seem to mind doing it. That's why everyone hates Bob Sagget--when he hosted America's Funniest Home Videos, from day one he has a "I'm getting paid to do this, right?" look on his face, which quickly translated to "I'm going to kill myself because this is the only job I can get" look. You are what you are. Some people are huge stars, like Julia Roberts or Mel Gibson, and some people are good dumb TV game show hosts, so just be happy with what you've got, and this guy is.
We quickly meet the judges, the first of whom is Carrie Ann Inaba. She's the nice black guy on American Idol. I just read her bio on the DWTS home page, and was SHOCKED to find out she was also Fook Yu in Goldmember. WOW! I didn't see that coming. She's also a choreographer. Second is Len Goodman, the crusty old British guy. He doesn't have an AI counterpart; this is their way to try to pretend like their not copying off of AI. Of course, though, they do have Simon, in the form of Bruno Tonioli, some Italian choreographer who apparently once appeared in an Elton John video. It's actually pretty funny because the crowd boos him HEAVILY whenever he starts going negative, which of course just makes him yell insults louder. I'll give him this much credit, though: if you're good, he does compliment you.
George Hamilton & Edyta Sliwinksa. They did a Cha Cha. She was fantastic--incredibly beautiful, and I loved her dress--very revealing but in a classy way. George, though, is old. He did a lot of standing there, and was too stiff to truly get into the dance. He was also RIDICULOUSLY out of breath at the end of the competition--especially when they didn't move around too much. He played the "I'm old, have pity on me" routine a lot. Not bad, but not real good. Judges gave them an 18; I might have gone a point or two higher, but that's not a bad score.
Lisa Rinna & Louis van Amstel. At least I think she was next. This is the lady with the HUGE lips who's married to the lockjaw-looking guy from LA Law. Good God her lips are huge; seriously, they make Julia Roberts lips look small. I'm not even joking, as scary as that statement is. Anyway, she and Louis did a waltz--it wasn't bad, wasn't that good. She needs to be sharper. What was funniest is when one of the judges made a comment that they looked good together, which was a polite way of saying, "Wow, you two look a lot alike, almost like brother and sister--and that's kind of creepy!" 19, which was right on.
Kenny Mayne & Andrea Hale. YAY!!! Our first Nascare Syndrome of the evening! For those of you who don't know, Kenny Mayne is a Sportcenter anchor whose famous line is, "And the finest meats and cheeses for everyone!" Yeah. I know. It's stupid. He's one of the most wooden, uptight, and unfunny SC guys--so of course ABC, let's pick him to be on the show since Disney is Hell bent on combining the two networks into one (Disney now owns both ESPN and ABC)!
I can see the thought process on this one: "Okay, we don't want to embarrass one of our own, so let's at least stick him with the hottest and best dancer we have." Well, they did that. Andrea Hale is UNBELIEVABLY hot, and did a great job dancing too. I felt so sorry for her--she's not dumb, she knew she was screwed as soon as she landed Kenny Mayne. But she didn't go Bob Sagget on us, she just decided to dance her little heart out and look gorgeous at the same time. I'm now rooting for Kenny Mayne just so we can see more of her. Anyway, the clips of them practicing (they show clips of each couple meeting and practicing before they dance) were great. Kenny would screw up, and just start joking around, and Andrea would have to keep telling him, "stop trying to be funny, Kenny" and "you start to lose your dancing when you start joking around". Kenny also kept bringing up his wife, too, either to use the "I have a wife and kids so I can't dance" excuse, or to remind himself of that so he wouldn't try to sleep with Andrea.
They did a Cha Cha, and let me tell you, seeing Kenny Mayne in a frilly black silk shirt was enough to make watching the whole show worthwhile. He was pretty damn bad, she danced her heart out cause she knew she had to carry him, but it was a losing battle. The judges ripped into him a little, but held back because they knew that they weren't going to be there long. They got a 13.
Stacy Keibler & Tony Dovolani. Stacy is a pro wrestler, and is fricking hot. Incredible body, and her abs (which she showed off well in her very revealing dress) were amazing. You literally had to marvel at them they were so well defined. However, I had to laugh--my middle finger is probably bigger than the arms of this "professional wrestler" (she's on the WCW). I refuse to believe that that tiny body can generate much power. But anyway, her wrestling athleticism helped her out well here. She's a good dancer who can pull off a lot of moves that most other dancers physically can't do.
We were also introduced here to one of my favorite aspects of the night, the Foreign Male Dancer. These guys all think that they are the coolest, best looking, and most powerful men in the WORLD. They are literally God's gift to mankind. We are not worthy of their very presence. Any woman they look upon should immediately disrobe for them, and any man they sneer upon is not worthy of their presence. And their practice sessions were awesome--it's a total cheesy movie ripoff of "I'll be super hard on and rude to you in training, break you down to where you are just a pawn in my hands, and by the end I will have turned you both into a great dancer and my love slave." I wanted to walk up to one of those guys and go, "Really? Does that actually work for you? And do you think that's going to work with these CELEBRITY women, who are actually much cooler and much more relevant than you are?" Sadly, I probably don't want to know the answer, because it probably works a lot more than I would like to admit. The lesson, as always: women are idiots.
Anyway, Stacey is my dark horse pick to win this thing. She's just such a good athlete that most people are going to have trouble physically competing with her. They did a waltz, which was nice, but you could tell they were just scratching the surface. 22.
Drew Lachey & Cheryl Burke. I'll give this show this, they try to make it more even. Drew was in the boy band 98 Degrees, and is Nick's little brother. Obviously, since he's in a boy band, he should be the favorite to win this thing. So they stuck him with the ugliest dancer. She's not a bad dancer, just not very attractive. Anyway, they won the night, with a 24 while doing a Cha Cha. Shocking that a professional dancer would be the celebrity that won. I hope they're both out of here quickly, but they won't be. Still, if I was betting money, I'd probably bet on them.
Master P & Ashly DelGrosso. ROFLMAO. This is the reason I watched this show. Now I remember in high school, when I was listening to P, when he was an in-shape rapper. Covers of his album featured him with his shirt off, where he had a body like 50 Cent. Remember, this is a guy who tried out for the Raptors (back when they were good even), and played in a couple preseason games.
Now, however I would guesstimate that he has gained at least 150 pounds. That's right. He's HUGE! Remember when Shawn Kemp got fat, and you were horrified at his appearance and didn't even want to look at him? That's P now. So when you combine that with the fact that this show is the very antithesis of gangsta rap, well, I had to watch the train wreck.
It was everything I hoped for. P looked TERRIFIED--he hasn't been this scared since he was slingin dope on the streets of New Orleans, and he probably wasn't even that scared then. He wore a baseball cap when he danced, and didn't even have dancing shoes on--just some rubber soled shoes. He did do the moves, but looked totally uninterested and scared feel to the whole thing. It was painful to watch. It was great.
I felt sorry for Ashly, who danced her little heart out. Alas, it was to no avail. They were so bad the judges were actually nice to them, and the 12 they got wasn't deserved. Afterwards, P played the Katrina card--"I'm doing it for all my people back in New Orleans"--and the thugz can love, too card--"I'm doing this to show people that gangstas can do other things". Highest of high comedy.
Giselle Frenandez & Jonathan Roberts. Giselle is a TV anchor who was by far the oldest woman there. She obviously worked very hard at learning to dance; technically, she did a great job. However, there was no passion or fire at all to this dance. Jonathan has no personality and dances like it, and she was so focused on performing all the moves that she had little more fire than he did. As I told my Puerto Rican buddy who was in the weight room with me, "He dances like a white boy." They'll be there at the very end because technically they were so good, but their lack of fire and passion will keep them from winning it all. The did a waltz and got a 23, which I thought was the worst score of the night. I would have gone no higher than 20.
More comedy: afterwards Giselle and The Token Hot Chick Host who interviewed everyone after the dance focused on how hard she worked to prepare. They kept leaving off the, "Yes, I worked this hard because I'm much older than the other women here and thus not as hot, so I have to be technically good and not rely on my body like they do." Way to dance around that in the interview, Giselle.
Jerry Rice & Anna Trebunskaya. Jerry got paired with the unattractive scary Russian chick, who's not as hot or as talented as she thinks she is. She has a very Ivan Dragoish "I will break you" attitude, which was amusing because I'm sure it's been a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time since anyone has ever yelled at Jerry Rice or told him he was doing something wrong. He did a decent job dancing. Good leg movement, but his upper body was very tight--he needs to loosen up and flow more.
I couldn't resist. I made tons of "I think Jerry would do a better job if he was dancing with a man" jokes, especially after they showed not a wife or girlfriend or, Hell, even a hot mistress in the crowd--but his Mom. And the outfits he wore to practice were great. He was by far the best and most fashionably dressed at the practices, including the women. Jerry gets the "queer as a three dollar bill" remark. I love it. How do you like that, football fans? Remember, he's one of the greatest football players ever.
Tia Carrere & Max Chmerkovskiy. I love Tia Carrere. Always have. I felt she never got credit as being a good actress. Just wanted to get that out of the way.
Tia just had a baby 1.5 months ago, and man it shows. Good for her for not being one of those creepy Hollywood Moms who doesn't gain a pound when she's pregnant. Tia is obviously carrying a significant amount of baby weight, but didn't let that bother her. I really like this lady. Also, this led to her bringing her baby to her first practice session with her Foreign Male Dancer. The expression on his face when she brought that baby in was PRICELESS.
They did a great job with the dance--a nice waltz which they got a 20 on. Like I said, even though she's still a bit heavy from the Tia we remember as an actress, she looked elegant and beautiful, and did a great job dancing. They'll have trouble later on when they are asked to do more ambitious dances than the waltz, but they'll go far.
Tatum O'Neal & Nick Kosovich. This was reason number 3 why I watched this show. I'd always heard about how crazy Tatum O'Neal is/was, but I was too young to see her stardom and marriage to McEnroe. I was curious to see if she does anything crazy. Well let me tell you something kids: she looks great. Beautiful woman for her age, and dresses up elegantly, but you can see that crazy bubbling underneath the surface, just BEGGING for a chance to get out. She's paired with an Aussie, who claimed he was a stereotypical Foreign Male Dancer, but he did not have the attitude of the other FMDs. He looked like he was kind of afraid of Tatum, and I don't blame him.
High Comedy from O'Neal: seeing all the tattoos on her body in practice that they had to cover up with the dress; watching her be really nice to the judges who were absurdly nice to her, but still making some little crazy comments in the interview; but the best was watching Tatum get "tired" in practice. They'd be dancing, but then Tatum would get a stomachache from "all the spinning". And you know what? Coffee seemed to be the only cure! Huh! Isn't that amazing? The best was at one point when Max snapped at her, "Are you going to dance, or go home and be sick to your stomach?" and Tatum shot him a "I've killed much more important people than you" look as the cameras quickly switched back to the interview. I'm telling you, there will be some crazy moments from that woman during this thing. If anybody will go nuts and attack the judges, it's Tatum O'Neal.
Conclusion. And that's it. P will surely be voted off tomorrow, and next week they're back at it. I doubt I'll watch again but you never know; I might need to see Stacey and Andrea again. In the end, the show gave me what I wanted from it: some hot women wearing next to nothing, come crazy moments, and some train wrecks. Not bad for network TV!
Why, do you ask? Have I finally tired of women completely and gone over to the "other" side? Am I seeing some woman who I am smitten over and she forced me to watch? Have I become a couch potato?
Nope. I watched it for The Nascar Syndrome. What is that, you might ask? Why thank you for asking, I reply. The Nascar Syndrome is the part in all of us that wants to see a car crash happen--badly. It's why people watch Nascar: they don't watch it to watch guys drive in a circle for hours, they watch it to see someone crash. And I knew someone would crash. In fact, I knew two someone's would crash in this. So here's a somewhat "running" diary of the event. I won't COMPLETELY copy off of Bill Simmons by doing times (and I didn't bother to write anything down, so I don't know when anything happened), but this seems to work best for this show.
Introduction. Welcome to Dancing With The Stars! Blah blah blah blah. The hosts are Token Hot Chick and The Guy Who Hosts Hollywood Squares. You know, I actually The Guy Who Hosts Hollywood Squares--he's good at hosting dumb shows, and he doesn't seem to mind doing it. That's why everyone hates Bob Sagget--when he hosted America's Funniest Home Videos, from day one he has a "I'm getting paid to do this, right?" look on his face, which quickly translated to "I'm going to kill myself because this is the only job I can get" look. You are what you are. Some people are huge stars, like Julia Roberts or Mel Gibson, and some people are good dumb TV game show hosts, so just be happy with what you've got, and this guy is.
We quickly meet the judges, the first of whom is Carrie Ann Inaba. She's the nice black guy on American Idol. I just read her bio on the DWTS home page, and was SHOCKED to find out she was also Fook Yu in Goldmember. WOW! I didn't see that coming. She's also a choreographer. Second is Len Goodman, the crusty old British guy. He doesn't have an AI counterpart; this is their way to try to pretend like their not copying off of AI. Of course, though, they do have Simon, in the form of Bruno Tonioli, some Italian choreographer who apparently once appeared in an Elton John video. It's actually pretty funny because the crowd boos him HEAVILY whenever he starts going negative, which of course just makes him yell insults louder. I'll give him this much credit, though: if you're good, he does compliment you.
George Hamilton & Edyta Sliwinksa. They did a Cha Cha. She was fantastic--incredibly beautiful, and I loved her dress--very revealing but in a classy way. George, though, is old. He did a lot of standing there, and was too stiff to truly get into the dance. He was also RIDICULOUSLY out of breath at the end of the competition--especially when they didn't move around too much. He played the "I'm old, have pity on me" routine a lot. Not bad, but not real good. Judges gave them an 18; I might have gone a point or two higher, but that's not a bad score.
Lisa Rinna & Louis van Amstel. At least I think she was next. This is the lady with the HUGE lips who's married to the lockjaw-looking guy from LA Law. Good God her lips are huge; seriously, they make Julia Roberts lips look small. I'm not even joking, as scary as that statement is. Anyway, she and Louis did a waltz--it wasn't bad, wasn't that good. She needs to be sharper. What was funniest is when one of the judges made a comment that they looked good together, which was a polite way of saying, "Wow, you two look a lot alike, almost like brother and sister--and that's kind of creepy!" 19, which was right on.
Kenny Mayne & Andrea Hale. YAY!!! Our first Nascare Syndrome of the evening! For those of you who don't know, Kenny Mayne is a Sportcenter anchor whose famous line is, "And the finest meats and cheeses for everyone!" Yeah. I know. It's stupid. He's one of the most wooden, uptight, and unfunny SC guys--so of course ABC, let's pick him to be on the show since Disney is Hell bent on combining the two networks into one (Disney now owns both ESPN and ABC)!
I can see the thought process on this one: "Okay, we don't want to embarrass one of our own, so let's at least stick him with the hottest and best dancer we have." Well, they did that. Andrea Hale is UNBELIEVABLY hot, and did a great job dancing too. I felt so sorry for her--she's not dumb, she knew she was screwed as soon as she landed Kenny Mayne. But she didn't go Bob Sagget on us, she just decided to dance her little heart out and look gorgeous at the same time. I'm now rooting for Kenny Mayne just so we can see more of her. Anyway, the clips of them practicing (they show clips of each couple meeting and practicing before they dance) were great. Kenny would screw up, and just start joking around, and Andrea would have to keep telling him, "stop trying to be funny, Kenny" and "you start to lose your dancing when you start joking around". Kenny also kept bringing up his wife, too, either to use the "I have a wife and kids so I can't dance" excuse, or to remind himself of that so he wouldn't try to sleep with Andrea.
They did a Cha Cha, and let me tell you, seeing Kenny Mayne in a frilly black silk shirt was enough to make watching the whole show worthwhile. He was pretty damn bad, she danced her heart out cause she knew she had to carry him, but it was a losing battle. The judges ripped into him a little, but held back because they knew that they weren't going to be there long. They got a 13.
Stacy Keibler & Tony Dovolani. Stacy is a pro wrestler, and is fricking hot. Incredible body, and her abs (which she showed off well in her very revealing dress) were amazing. You literally had to marvel at them they were so well defined. However, I had to laugh--my middle finger is probably bigger than the arms of this "professional wrestler" (she's on the WCW). I refuse to believe that that tiny body can generate much power. But anyway, her wrestling athleticism helped her out well here. She's a good dancer who can pull off a lot of moves that most other dancers physically can't do.
We were also introduced here to one of my favorite aspects of the night, the Foreign Male Dancer. These guys all think that they are the coolest, best looking, and most powerful men in the WORLD. They are literally God's gift to mankind. We are not worthy of their very presence. Any woman they look upon should immediately disrobe for them, and any man they sneer upon is not worthy of their presence. And their practice sessions were awesome--it's a total cheesy movie ripoff of "I'll be super hard on and rude to you in training, break you down to where you are just a pawn in my hands, and by the end I will have turned you both into a great dancer and my love slave." I wanted to walk up to one of those guys and go, "Really? Does that actually work for you? And do you think that's going to work with these CELEBRITY women, who are actually much cooler and much more relevant than you are?" Sadly, I probably don't want to know the answer, because it probably works a lot more than I would like to admit. The lesson, as always: women are idiots.
Anyway, Stacey is my dark horse pick to win this thing. She's just such a good athlete that most people are going to have trouble physically competing with her. They did a waltz, which was nice, but you could tell they were just scratching the surface. 22.
Drew Lachey & Cheryl Burke. I'll give this show this, they try to make it more even. Drew was in the boy band 98 Degrees, and is Nick's little brother. Obviously, since he's in a boy band, he should be the favorite to win this thing. So they stuck him with the ugliest dancer. She's not a bad dancer, just not very attractive. Anyway, they won the night, with a 24 while doing a Cha Cha. Shocking that a professional dancer would be the celebrity that won. I hope they're both out of here quickly, but they won't be. Still, if I was betting money, I'd probably bet on them.
Master P & Ashly DelGrosso. ROFLMAO. This is the reason I watched this show. Now I remember in high school, when I was listening to P, when he was an in-shape rapper. Covers of his album featured him with his shirt off, where he had a body like 50 Cent. Remember, this is a guy who tried out for the Raptors (back when they were good even), and played in a couple preseason games.
Now, however I would guesstimate that he has gained at least 150 pounds. That's right. He's HUGE! Remember when Shawn Kemp got fat, and you were horrified at his appearance and didn't even want to look at him? That's P now. So when you combine that with the fact that this show is the very antithesis of gangsta rap, well, I had to watch the train wreck.
It was everything I hoped for. P looked TERRIFIED--he hasn't been this scared since he was slingin dope on the streets of New Orleans, and he probably wasn't even that scared then. He wore a baseball cap when he danced, and didn't even have dancing shoes on--just some rubber soled shoes. He did do the moves, but looked totally uninterested and scared feel to the whole thing. It was painful to watch. It was great.
I felt sorry for Ashly, who danced her little heart out. Alas, it was to no avail. They were so bad the judges were actually nice to them, and the 12 they got wasn't deserved. Afterwards, P played the Katrina card--"I'm doing it for all my people back in New Orleans"--and the thugz can love, too card--"I'm doing this to show people that gangstas can do other things". Highest of high comedy.
Giselle Frenandez & Jonathan Roberts. Giselle is a TV anchor who was by far the oldest woman there. She obviously worked very hard at learning to dance; technically, she did a great job. However, there was no passion or fire at all to this dance. Jonathan has no personality and dances like it, and she was so focused on performing all the moves that she had little more fire than he did. As I told my Puerto Rican buddy who was in the weight room with me, "He dances like a white boy." They'll be there at the very end because technically they were so good, but their lack of fire and passion will keep them from winning it all. The did a waltz and got a 23, which I thought was the worst score of the night. I would have gone no higher than 20.
More comedy: afterwards Giselle and The Token Hot Chick Host who interviewed everyone after the dance focused on how hard she worked to prepare. They kept leaving off the, "Yes, I worked this hard because I'm much older than the other women here and thus not as hot, so I have to be technically good and not rely on my body like they do." Way to dance around that in the interview, Giselle.
Jerry Rice & Anna Trebunskaya. Jerry got paired with the unattractive scary Russian chick, who's not as hot or as talented as she thinks she is. She has a very Ivan Dragoish "I will break you" attitude, which was amusing because I'm sure it's been a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time since anyone has ever yelled at Jerry Rice or told him he was doing something wrong. He did a decent job dancing. Good leg movement, but his upper body was very tight--he needs to loosen up and flow more.
I couldn't resist. I made tons of "I think Jerry would do a better job if he was dancing with a man" jokes, especially after they showed not a wife or girlfriend or, Hell, even a hot mistress in the crowd--but his Mom. And the outfits he wore to practice were great. He was by far the best and most fashionably dressed at the practices, including the women. Jerry gets the "queer as a three dollar bill" remark. I love it. How do you like that, football fans? Remember, he's one of the greatest football players ever.
Tia Carrere & Max Chmerkovskiy. I love Tia Carrere. Always have. I felt she never got credit as being a good actress. Just wanted to get that out of the way.
Tia just had a baby 1.5 months ago, and man it shows. Good for her for not being one of those creepy Hollywood Moms who doesn't gain a pound when she's pregnant. Tia is obviously carrying a significant amount of baby weight, but didn't let that bother her. I really like this lady. Also, this led to her bringing her baby to her first practice session with her Foreign Male Dancer. The expression on his face when she brought that baby in was PRICELESS.
They did a great job with the dance--a nice waltz which they got a 20 on. Like I said, even though she's still a bit heavy from the Tia we remember as an actress, she looked elegant and beautiful, and did a great job dancing. They'll have trouble later on when they are asked to do more ambitious dances than the waltz, but they'll go far.
Tatum O'Neal & Nick Kosovich. This was reason number 3 why I watched this show. I'd always heard about how crazy Tatum O'Neal is/was, but I was too young to see her stardom and marriage to McEnroe. I was curious to see if she does anything crazy. Well let me tell you something kids: she looks great. Beautiful woman for her age, and dresses up elegantly, but you can see that crazy bubbling underneath the surface, just BEGGING for a chance to get out. She's paired with an Aussie, who claimed he was a stereotypical Foreign Male Dancer, but he did not have the attitude of the other FMDs. He looked like he was kind of afraid of Tatum, and I don't blame him.
High Comedy from O'Neal: seeing all the tattoos on her body in practice that they had to cover up with the dress; watching her be really nice to the judges who were absurdly nice to her, but still making some little crazy comments in the interview; but the best was watching Tatum get "tired" in practice. They'd be dancing, but then Tatum would get a stomachache from "all the spinning". And you know what? Coffee seemed to be the only cure! Huh! Isn't that amazing? The best was at one point when Max snapped at her, "Are you going to dance, or go home and be sick to your stomach?" and Tatum shot him a "I've killed much more important people than you" look as the cameras quickly switched back to the interview. I'm telling you, there will be some crazy moments from that woman during this thing. If anybody will go nuts and attack the judges, it's Tatum O'Neal.
Conclusion. And that's it. P will surely be voted off tomorrow, and next week they're back at it. I doubt I'll watch again but you never know; I might need to see Stacey and Andrea again. In the end, the show gave me what I wanted from it: some hot women wearing next to nothing, come crazy moments, and some train wrecks. Not bad for network TV!
posted by Michael Pondrom at 7:58 PM
1 Comments:
My wife wanted to watch this show, so we watched it last night. Strangely enough, this show has everything needed to be a hit. Ballroom dancing to appeal to women. Beautiful women in skimpy clothes to appeal to men. How could it not be a hit.
Awkward, but still a little funny moment: When George Hamilton was imitating Master P. I kinda laughed at first and then realized Master P could kill him at anytime.
I would like to see Master P and Tatum O'Neal dance. Someone wouldn't live through it.
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