A Break

No, I'm not taking a break from the blog--it just seems that way, and I apologize.

No, I'm referring to taking A Break while in a serious relationship--the words everyone loves to hear that women like to say to men, "I think we should take A Break."

This is why I hate Friends. This all started when Ross & Rachel took A Break in Season 3 of friends. I didn't care for the show then...and I fucking hated it after that happened, as it inspired women everywhere to go out and take A Break of their own.

Oh yes ladies. You did. You weren't cool from 1997 to about 2002 if you didn't take at least one Break if you were in a serious relationship. Hell, you can make the argument that it's still the cool thing to do to this day. It's so predictable it's infuriating: get worked up over some drama--usually fairly pointless, as if it was a real issue you would just break up with the person--take A Break, go out with your girlfriends and complain about your boyfriend and how much you love him in spite of his flaws, get the required sympathy from your girlfriends (that's the most important part), have a couple of nights to go out and flirt with guys at a bar and feel single again, and then when you're done with your mid-relationship crisis (yes, it is just like a mid-life crisis), your man is waiting to take you back again.

That's A Break: that's what Ross & Rachel taught women to do, when it goes perfectly. But as in Friends, and as in Real Life, how often do things go perfectly? So let's go over some rules for taking A Break (including answering the who was right/who was wrong question in "The One the Morning After"), and then talk about whether or not it really helps a relationship.

Rule Number 1: A Break begins when one person declares A Break--and not before. This is a big one. Some people use A Break as a guilt-free means of cheating. "I met this girl at the club a coupla weeks ago...we hit it off...talked to her on the phone some...she's a club girl, so not a potential girlfriend, but man I want to hit that...I know! I'll have a fight with my girlfriend, take A Break, hit that, and then we'll end the break." Yeah. Nice try asshole. You want to go on A Break, and you have a girl/guy set up and waiting for you, that's just cheating, and shame on you.

Rule Number 2: Once in A Break...both sides are single. That's what A Break is. Look at the word! "Break" is part of "breaking up". If you decide you just want some time alone to think, then say, "Look, I need some time (it's best to specify the amount) to think about things and where I want to go with us". In that case, you're still obviously together. But if you ask for A Break, which dictionary.com defines as "to dissolve or annul", well, guess what? You've just said you're both single. Deal with it.

Rule Number 3: Be careful what you wish for... Here we get to the Ross & Rachel situation. For those of you who don't know what happened--and I looked it up to make sure I got it right--Rachel asked Ross for A Break. A despondent Ross met up with Joey and Chandler who had gone to meet some girl at a club. Well, Ross ended up hooking up with the girl. The next day, Rachel decides she's ready to end The Break. Of course, she finds out Ross hooked up, and is incensed. Ross insists that they were on A Break, and he did nothing wrong.

To Rachel: TOO BAD BITCH!!!! That's right. When you ask for A Break, both sides are single--see Rule Number 2. Just because you have that dream situation we discussed lined up in your head doesn't mean it's going to work that way. If you want to be on A Break, the person you just BROKE UP WITH has every right to go hook up, or even start a relationship--hopefully more stable, satisfying, and fulfilling--with someone else. Again, look at the definition of the fricking word. You wanted time off to be single and alone, you got it. Now live with the repercussions.

Consequently...if the person who called A Break goes out, meets someone new (thus not violating Rule Number 1), and hooks up or starts a new relationship, well, they have not done anything wrong, either. Dude, she broke up with you. If you want to wait around with her in the hopes that she comes back, hey, that's your business. Good luck with that. But make no mistake--you have been broken up with, and he/she is free to move on.

So there you go. Those are the Rules of A Break, which are obviously the simplified rules of Breaking Up With Someone. We've answered that question.

So now to the question of is taking A Break a good thing? Can it help a relationship? Do some couples need time away from each other to sort things out?

The answer, of course, is no. If you're in a serious relationship with someone--and that's the only time you take A Break, the rest of the time you just stop seeing that person--you can't backslide. Look at The Relationship Process! Do you see any backwards arrows after you hit "Girlfriend"? No. You don't. When you're in a serious relationship, you are trying to decide if you want to live the rest of your life with this person. Do you get to take A Break when you are married? No! Of course not. So if you can't work through your problems before you're married, what makes you think you'll be able to work through your problems after you're married? That's right. You can't. So no. No Breaks. If you're with someone and you can't solve problems without stepping away from them, then you shouldn't be with them. It's as simple as that.

Does this mean you can't take some time to compliment the person you are with and your situation? As we discussed earlier, no, of course not. But that doesn't mean you're on A Break--it means you just need some time to think before you commit your life to the person you're with. It does not mean either of you are suddenly single again. And if you have to take time more than once or twice, well, then, that's a sign in and of itself.

So there you go. No Breaks. A Break is the ultimate in having your cake and eating it to, and we all know that that is not right. So just don't do it. It's the inverse of Nike. And thank you, Friends, for bringing that into the world. The world is a much better place because of it.

Coupla Things...

* First of all, a program note. Kyle "Superman" Holmes (as his link is listed on the right) has written an extensive blog on the Immigration debate. Click on his link if you're interested in that subject and want to check that out.

* So the popular debate in sports right now is, "Is Tiger Woods the greatest athlete going right now?" after winning his 12th major or whatever.

The answer is no. And the reason is because golf is not a sport.

A sport is "an activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively". Have you ever seen a golfer exerted before? No. You haven't. They don't even carry their own equipment. Look at Phil Mickelson--arguably the second best golfer in the world--and his man tits. Golf is a game (a competitive activity in which players contend with each other according to a set of rules), and while the game does have a physical aspect to it, it is not a sport. Let's just say that a general rule is if you wear khakis and polos and wouldn't break a sweat if you weren't outside in the heat, then you're not a sport.

Congratulations, Tiger, on being one of the greatest golfers ever. But you're not the greatest athlete going. Not even close.

* Count me in the group that thinks John Mark Karr--the dude arrested in Thailand for killing JonBenet Ramsey--didn't actually do this. I think he's one of those crazies who becomes obsessed with the case and now honestly believes he killed her. His ex-wife has said the same thing, and his family says they have pictures of him with them on Christmas of 96 (when she was killed). I also read that while he did know some details that the general public did not know, he got some things wrong--he said he drugged her, for instance, while toxicology reports showed that she was not drugged. For someone who is obsessed with the case, it would make sense that he knows details that the general public doesn't know--but it wouldn't make sense that he'd miss a detail as obvious as that.

One interesting theory that I heard on the radio this morning was that he is/was in contact with the man who actually did it. This kind of makes sense--he becomes obsessed with the case, immerses himself in the pedophilia world (and yes, unfortunately, there is an underground world of pedophilia), finally makes contact with the guy, who either realizes he's crazy enough to confess if he's given the details, or is so desperate to tell someone (either to brag or from guilt) that he tells this guy.

Whatever the case, I think he's nuts and needs to be locked in a padded cell for a quite a while, but I don't think he's guilty of murder.

* Is there anything more unAmerican than Homeowner's Associations? Seriously. What happened to a man's home is his castle? What happened to discrimination? I do not understand how Homeowner's Associations can stand up in court. "In order to live here, you have to join us or we won't sell you the house. By joining us, you agree to live by our rules, and keep your house in a condition that we say is appropriate." What?!? Are you fucking kidding me? How is this not discriminatory? I have a friend whose garage door is painted this ugly lavender color. It was like that when he bought the house, about 5 years ago. He hasn't changed it yet because to do so he has to go through so much red tape with the HA that it's not worth his time. COME ON! How is this okay?

I say fuck Homeowner's Associations. Our great country was literally built on the concept of right to property--it was almost included with "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". In America, a man's home IS his castle. So fuck a man telling me what I can and can't do to my home.

* I can't believe Snakes On A Plane was number 1 at the box office. Wow. However, their web site is AWESOME--you can get Samuel L. Mother Fucking Jackson to call you by filling out a form there. Good times!

* Even though I haven't seen them play yet because they play between 1am and 6am, I love the current Team USA basketball team. Here's the final roster:

Chris Paul (PG, Oklahoma City Hornets)
Kirk Hinrich (PG, Chicago Bulls)
Joe Johnson (PG/SG, Atlanta Hawks)
Dwayne Wade (SG, Miami Heat)
Carmelo Anthony (SG/SF, Denver Nuggets)
Shane Battier (SF/SG, Houston Rockets)
Lebron James (SF, Cleveland Cavaliers)
Antoine Jamison (SF, Washington Wizards)
Elton Brand (PF, LA Clippers)
Chris Bosh (PF/C, Toronto Raptors)
Brad Miller (C, Sacramento Kings)
Dwight Howard (C, Orlando Magic)

Now that is a badass, well balanced team right there. Good shooting, good defense, obviously outstanding athletes. Not only that, but this is a team that is truly committed to winning--Lebron, DWade, and Melo all were there and embarrassed at the last Olympics, and are all driven to atone for that. This isn't a team of young guys with talent who consider themselves too good to play here; this is a team of young guys with amazing talent who want to establish their lifelong reputations as the new saviors of American basketball, and that's exactly how they should look at the situation.

I would make a couple of tweaks to this team for the Olympics--give me Shawn Marion over Jamison, for example--but that's about it. I'm thrilled Kobe is not on this team, I don't think Gilbert Arenas (who I like as a player, but is Kobe Lite) is a good fit for this style of play, I don't think we need anyone as raw as Greg Oden, and I think Bruce Bowen is WAYYYYYYYYY overrated and I'm glad he got booted from the team. We've got a great group here, and we just need to stick with it.

And fuck Chris Sheridian of espn.com. He's openly rooting against Team USA.

* I now have a reason to go to New York: I want to be served by a 90 year old bartender.

* And finally, let me just say Happy Birthday to the myriad of August birthdays out there. As December is the month that conception happens most, August has the most birthdays. So happy birthday to everyone born in the great month of August, as all of you are truly the pinnacle of the human race!

And no, I'm not biased at all ;-P

In the Pantheon of Bad Ideas...

...having Ron Artest ever speak to children is in a class by itself.

Shockingly, Ron Artest defended his actions to a group of children. While serving his community service for his part of The Brawl, Ron Ron gave kids the fantastic Quote of the Day, and told kids to be ready to "protect themselves".

Now, did I defend Ron Artest when The Brawl happened? Yes, I obviously did. Have I changed my mind? No, I haven't--I still believe everything I said in that blog. However, I don't think that Ron Ron did anything noble that night, and he certainly didn't do anything he needs to be bragging to children about.

But do I blame Ron Ron for this? No. He's certifiably insane. We all know this by now. If you told me that Ron Ron was going to speak to little kids about The Brawl, I promise you I would have said, "Watch, he's going to brag about it to the kids." No, the problem here is the moron judge who sent him to talk to kids! Have him pick up trash on the highway. Or serve meals to inmates. Or clean out his future cell in a mental institution. But for God's sake don't give him any more exposure to kids than he already has! Think, stupid!

So enjoy the continuing saga of the craziest celebrity around.

Coupla Things...

* So I've come to realize that Abraham Lincoln--good old Honest Abe--was a true master of the sarcastic, backhanded cutdown. He was so good at it that I had to leave out of the top five list his famous quote to Harriet Beacher Stowe, "So you're the little lady who started this little war," which he did such a good job of hiding his sarcasm (or she was so dumb) that Stowe actually replied, "Why thank you, Mr. President". Just more of a reason to admire Abraham Lincoln, our second best president ever.

* New editions to my Greatest Heroes list: Spawn and Mario (I believe I already mentioned them once), Brock Sampson and Doctor Orpheus from the greatest show on TV right now, The Venture Brothers, Shaft, and Beorn from The Hobbit. My apologies to all of you.

* Speaking of The Venture Brothers, if you haven't seen that show, you need to. First of all, it's an outstanding spoof of Johnny Quest and several other old Hannah-Barbara cartoons. Second of all, Puddy (Patrick Warburton, but we all know him as Puddy) does the voice of Brock Sampson, and Puddy has reached the point where he's so good that if he's involved, I'm interested. And finally, there's no reason for you not to watch it, because adultswim.com has a now thing called The Fix where they show all of their episodes online. That's right. Just come here to see the latest episode, which I must say is one of the best ever. Go Team Venture!

* So Lebron resigned with Cleveland for three years. Congratulations Cleveland. I hope that you realize that the next 4 years (one year remaining on his current deal) is all you get. That's right. He is gone after that fourth year, I promise. And I don't want to hear any crap from you, either, when he leaves: You'll have had him for 7 years in his prime, while your team was close to contending for a championship. Win it in that period or forever hold your peace.

* I also enjoyed that while Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade felt confident enough about their futures to also sign shorter deals, Carmelo Anthony said, "You know what--let's be real. There's a good chance I get shot, get caught doing drugs and get kicked out of the league, or people realize that I'm really overrated and can't carry a team on my own soon, so I'm going to sign for as much money as long as I possibly can." Surprisingly, I have to admit it was a very smart, honest move on Melo's part.


* So yeah...Amelie Mauresmo, who is one of the best women's tennis players in the world, is fricking scary looking. There's really just no other way to put it. Good God man...look at her! There's not a doubt in my mind she could kick my ass, and I'm a big guy! She and Barry Bonds must have the same trainer.

* I don't know whether to be happy about this or sad about this: Congress is going to spend $150 mil a year to promote better marriages and better fathers. Of course I don't think it's a bad idea. I just worry about it being in the hands of Congress. But in the end, it's sadly something that needs to be done these days, and good for them for doing it.

* So M. Night Shyamalan's new movie Lady In The Water only grossed $38.6 million through last weekend. Can you say...retribution from the fricking horrible The Village? Yes. You can. Because really, LITW is not that bad--definitely worth seeing on video, maybe even at the theatre.

* I'll say it: I really don't see what's so bad about revenge.

* On behalf of Catholics everywhere, I would like to apologize for Mel Gibson. But seriously, don't use him as an example for the rest of us. It's like how Ben Stiller isn't the face of the Red Sox--Mel Gibson is not the face of Catholicism.

* So the latest out of Iraq is twofold: 1) That shepherds are being killed if they don't put diapers on goats, because not doing so is too sexually suggestive. 2) A vegetable shopkeeper and his 3 sons were shot to death and his store firebombed the other day, because he didn't arrange his vegetables in a manner required by some cleric, again in order to make sure that nothing sexual was being portrayed.

You fucking read that right. They are killing people now over sexually suggestive vegetable sales. And goats.

I couldn't make this up.

You can draw your on conclusions on how best to react to that information. Personally, I'd have to say I side with this guy.

* And finally, rejoice all! For we are in August, the second greatest month of the year! Why, you ask? Because December is the month conception happens most. And August is the happy result of that. :-)