The Rosetta Stone of Dating

So you met a girl. Woo-hoo. Good for you. But how far along are you? Are you serious? Exclusive? Just dating? Friends? Fuck buddies (yeah, I said it)? No one has ever set down clearly defined rules for where you are in a relationship, and what each word means. Well, it's time someone did. And who, you may ask, is mad enough to do so? Oh I think you know who.

I've made a simple--yet elegant--flowchart to illistrate The Relationship Process. Coupla things to remember as you look at this:

* Colors are important. Yellow is friendship, orange will stand for feelings of affection, purple for deep affection, and white for the pure love of marriage. Red and black stand for degrees of danger/evil.
* Arrows are important. You must follow the arrows!
* The callout symbols used are important, as you'll see in the explanations.

Also, my writing style will be from a male respective: "he" met "her", for example. However, this is just for continuity, and not because The Process was designed that way. The Process is unisex.

Without further ado, here is The Relationship Process, with detailed explanations following. Enjoy!



Met: Comes from, "Hey, I met a girl last night". You can meet someone anywhere: bar, church, work, school, some kind of game, online, grocery store, whatever. The phrase "Got her number!" is worked in somewhere.

Talking To: This is where you start speaking to the person you Met. Typically phone calls, but may include emails, IMing, and text messaging. Some would include "meeting for a drink" here, but no it's not. That's a date, and there are no dates of any kind in here. Also, this is where two longtime friends who start exploring feelings for each other begin (since there was no romance when they Met).

Dating (Non Exclusive): Congratulations! You just went on a date. Here are the rules for this area:

* Falls within the first three dates (unless both parties specifically discuss & agree that they are still non exclusive and any date thereafter will still be NE, until they speak again and move to another level)
* Sex cannot be involved, not including fooling around (oral, petting, etc).
* Sleeping together (for the purposes of this discussion, "sleeping" means just that--engaging in sleep in the same bed with the other person. Having sex with them will be specifically referred to as "sex".) is allowed, but no more than twice.

This is when you're still trying to get to know the girl. Maybe you want to be with her, maybe you don't. What you do want is to find out one way or another. Basically you're feeling each other out. Pitfalls to be aware of: saying you're NE after 3 dates almost never works--one party is typically lying and even though they're saying that because the other party wants them to, they don't really mean it; sleeping together is VERY dangerous, in that is typically a sign of exclusivity. It can be done in the NE realm, but it must be done VERY carefully; sex cannot be involved in any way, else you are Exclusive or you have a...

Fuck Buddy I: An FB level 1! You went on a date, both had a lot to drink and had a good time, and got lucky. You both agree that you're not attached: it's either a one time thing because of alcohol, or you both just wanted a good time and aren't interested in a serious relationship right now.

So why is this colored a "dangerous area" in red with an X? Most guys would love a girl who just wants to have some fun. Here's why buddy: it's possible that a girl who wants to have sex with you after one or two dates hasn't been around a lot, and is really "just in a phase" and "really likes you" and "doesn't usually do this kind of thing". It is possible. But the odds are NOT IN YOUR FAVOR. You've probably got one of two things: a ho, or a clinger who's trying to use sex to lock you in from the get go. You've been warned.

This isn't to say this never works. You can get a FB I and it move onto Dating Exclusively. It's just a dangerous game you've started on.

Dating Exclusively: The first step in the "serious relationship" plateu. You're with her, and you're not seeing anybody else. This is the first area where contact with another woman would be considered "cheating". You're allowed to have sex in this area, but only after dates, and not on a regular basis (ie a date isn't a guarentee of sex). You're beginning to think of her in the long term--I can put up with this little habit, but she drives me crazy with the way she does dishes, for example. Nothing too serious, just little habits/day-to-day traits. The reason this symbol is an up and down arrow is you can move up or move back; you can decide to move down to Dating NE or move up to Girlfriend.

Fuck Buddy II: So you've Dated Exclusively for a little while, but you broke up. You're now looking to meet other people. However...you give each other booty calls, and you both hook up from time to time--and time to time can be every weekend.

Here's the problem with FB II: it invariably leads to one side developing strong feelings for the other. When the other side doesn't reciprocate, then it gets real ugly real fast.

Let's face it people. Sex is not a casual thing to most people, even in our overtly sexual society. While it can happen, it is very rare that two people can have sex on a consistent basis over a sustained period of time and neither develop any deep feelings for each other. So one person is eventual going to consider them Exclusive again, while the other thinks they are still FB II, and then all Hell brakes loose.

It can work. Some people can part ways amicably, no harm no foul. And sometimes it can help a relationship--a break was needed, but this area kept the two together, and they decide to move back to Dating Exclusively. Just be careful--you're playing with a nuclear bomb.

Girlfriend: Wow! You made it to Girlfriend. Impressive. You now spend the majority of your free time together. Dates are now mandatory, and you don't "ask" her out anymore--the two of you decide on times, or inform the other of times (surprises). You are having sex on a regular basis (btw of course if you're waiting on sex until marriage, the sex descriptions can be thrown out), and are sleeping together at least on weekends. This is the first stage you can claim to be in "love". You are seen as a couple by both of your friends and family. You are now thinking of her in the long term with regards to serious subjects: "Will she change religions for me?" "Can I agree to move to her hometown?" "Can I stand her family?" You're not only not allowed to Date other women, you are not allowed to Talk To (in the categorical sense) other women.

Fuck Buddy III: The last and deadliest of the FB's. Just don't do it guys. You're broken up with your girlfriend--doesn't matter who did it. You're hurt, angry, scared, and lonely, among other things. Alcohol is almost always involved in this, to large excesses. You're either looking to punish her, "steal" from her ("well she's owes me for the relationship, I'll just fuck her and move on and see how she likes it!"), looking to get rid of guilt ("if we have sex that makes the bad things I did while we're together okay!"), are hoping for something that can't work, or are using some leftover emotions to fulfill your physical needs. 99% of the time this ends in absolute disaster, with it spilling over to your friends and hurting your relationship with them as well. You can't move back from here to being a Girlfriend; you broke up for a reason, and that reason is still going to be there when you get back together. Just say no.

Fiance: OH MY GOD! You got engaged. Congratulations you old sly dog you! You're now bethroed, and are coming to grips with the fact that you will be spending the rest of your life with this woman. You are deeply in love with her (or you should be), and excited about your future life together. You're doing all the wedding planning, and the life planning of joining your two lives completely together.

Mistress I: Ahhh...the level 1 Mistress. You Met this girl while Engaged, and are now having sex with her. You are:
* A horrible human being, who should be hated and despised by everyone.
* Risking the health of your fiance with your philandering ways.
* Bringing about serious embarrassment to you, your fiance, and your family with your actions.
* A fucking moron, because she knows. Yes asshole...no matter how smart you are, deep down inside, she knows.
The black lightning bolt is to symbolize how utterly horrible both you are, and how dangerous this situation is. It will end with you being publicly humiliated, your reputation hurt, and have financial consequences as well.

On another note...what's the male equivalent of Mistress? Does anyone know?

Wife: You have reached the deepest levels of love, and have found true love. You are married and are now a couple not only in the eyes of family and friends, but in the eyes of God and the state. You have promised to spend the rest of your lives together, loving and honoring each other fully. The Process should be over for you now.

Mistress II: Same as Mistress I, except an even deeper and more horrible betrayal. You both (cheater and the Mistress) deserve to burn in Hell for what you're doing. This will end as horribly as M I, unless you are British Royalty, at which point you can move to Wife.


There you have it. The Relationship Process. Now when you tell your friends you're just Dating, they can ask "NE or Exclusively?", and you can quickly respond, and everyone knows exactly what you mean. Finally when we all discuss the states of relationships, we all have a common language with which to communicate.