A Healthy Dose of Chuck Norris

I could write an intro...or I could just tell you to enjoy.

Enjoy.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "There's no glitch."

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma: that word is "lucky".

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can hear silence.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles Tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

Chuck Norris can draw a square circle.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25, but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day. Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth, and that's why we celebrate Christmas December 25.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris created Scientology as an April Fool's joke one year. To his dismay, no one has gotten it.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.

The movie Brokeback Mountian took nine years to film because they could only shoot while Chuck Norris was out of the country.

Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris' mother called him "Charles" once. Once.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

Florida has been referred to as America's wang. Chuck Norris teases America about its small stature.

The NBA All-Star Weekend, aka The Black Super Bowl

First, props must be given to J.A. Adande of the L.A. Times for coming up with the phrase "The Black Super Bowl" in reference to the NBA All Star game. PERFECT. Nothing could describe this weekend of madness any better.

In a further attempt to take my man crush on Bill Simmons to disturbing new levels, I actually took notes this All Star Weekend--and I caught damn near the whole thing. So, here we go.

* Welcome to All Star Saturday night! Unfortunately, I missed the Rookie-Sophomore game from the night before since I had practice with my 7th graders. However, I saw highlights, and Andre Iguodala was incredible. I said it at the beginning of the season, and I'll say it again: AI2 is going to be incredible someday. Not this season probably--though this weekend could have very easily been his coming out party--but someday soon, his mind will catch up to his body and he's going to start killing people. Anyway, the Sophs won and AI2 was the going away MVP.

* Charles Barkely with the first quote of the night: "Gilbert Arenas has about as good of a chance {at winning the 3point contest} as Dick Cheney does at finding another hunting partner." Did I mention that Charles joined the booth late, and that I'm 99.9% sure he's drunk right now? I mean, he's 2 sips of beer away from slurring right now.

* HO. LY. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew this already, but it never really clicked until this moment:

NBA All Star Weekend will be in Vegas next year.

I almost peed my pants at this relization. You see, I've had two goals in my adult life that I still have not reached:

1) Go to the NBA All Star Weekend.
2) Go to Las Vegas.

Both have been keys to an almost unattainable level of fun for me personally. Both events I knew would be watershed moments in my life.

But now? Now that I can combine them together? Now that I can increase their power exponentially with their joining of forces? The possibilities are incomprehensible! I mean, the Constructicons unitying to form Devastator--the most powerful Transformer--has NOTHING on these two events joining forces.

I just texted like 5 people, and now you all are hearing it here: I WILL be going to All Star Weekend in Vegas next year.

* First up is the 3 on 3, or whatever they call it. This is where the NBA forces the WNBA down our throats and allows Magic Johnson one more time on the court. I swear to God, here's how the planning for this event went down: "Okay look...even though our fans hate it, we've got to involve the WNBA somehow. We have to let them know that like it or not, they WILL watch women's basketball." "We also have to get Magic back on the court Bob, he keeps calling David and begging for another chance to play!" "Good God, no one wants to see that. He weighs like 300 pounds now! He's like an overblown balloon out there! The sight of Magic in a jersey and shorts makes me want to cry...okay look. Let's just get this over with real quick. We'll do some spot shooting drill with a WNBA player and a former player. Obviously Magic will be the former player with Kobe. Done! Killed two birds with one stone."

This actually wasn't terrible, for three reasons: 1) The joy of watching Steve Kerr kick the shit out of everyone. I mean, was there any doubt Steve Kerr wasn't going to win a spot shooting event? Come on. This is what he was made for. I bet he still shoots 1,000 threes a day. 2) Watching the half court shot. I think they shot almost 40% from half court. That was really cool! 3) I think the whole thing lasted 10 minutes. Maybe. Thank you NBA for going with the principle of "if you can't make it good, at least keep it short."

* I swear to God, if they show Eva Longoria one more time, I'm going to be forced to make her disappear. Jesus Christ. They just showed her more than the 3 on 3 competitors. I mean come on...nobody's been tricked into thinking she's a WNBA player. She's not that great looking! And Tony Parker...I can't believe he actually proposed to her. Are you really that dumb? I can't believe her agent has had her hang out with you this long.

* Sorry. So now we're at the Skills Competition. Yawn. Lebron, could you please stop looking bored at EVERYTHING? Yes, we know that everything is beneath your talent. But at least try to look like you're enjoying and excited about something every once in a while.

On the flip side, you have Dwayne Wade, who obviously wants to win at everything. I love this guy. He seems like a really nice guy, but you can tell he has an ultra-competitive streak that makes him want to win at marbles with a 5 year old. However, he knows that that same competitive streak isn't always a good thing, and he tries to keep it in check. But when push comes to shove, he takes it to another level. Even during the Skills Competition. More on this later.

Skills Competition: Not bad, but not good. Everyone looked bored to be out there, except Chris Paul, who looked like he might pee on himself--he's a rookie he was a bit nervous his first time--and Wade, who obviously got mad at himself for missing so many 15 footers from the top of the key. But again, it was quick.

* I'm really enjoying the random players who showed up. First, you have Tyronn Lue hanging out on the sideline with Richard Hamilton--perhaps the ulgiest men with the same hairdo ever to hang around together. Did anyone need to let Tyronn Lue in the building? Damon Jones is wearing some kind of suit so incredibly ugly that Drunk Charles just yelled at the TNT crew to put the cameras back on him for five minutes. I'm not even kidding. They went to a commercial break to try to get him to shut up, and he was still ranting when they came back. Someone bring him some Chasers! Finally, Mike James is here, I guess to show Chris Bosh how to get around Houston. Since he grew up in Dallas, I think he's going to be okay Mike. But thanks for coming. Really.

I feel bad about that one. Mike James was a GREAT pickup for my fantasy league team, and is having a very good season. So I take that back. Sorry for making fun of you Mike. But I still can't believe they let Tyronn Lue in the building.

* A very ho hum 3 point shootout. So where was Dirk and Jason Terry's big "trick" they were going to do? Was the trick Dirk getting credit for his buzzer beater that didn't beat the buzzer? Ah who cares. Good job Dirk for winning!

* Finally, we're at the dunk contest. This started as a great contest...and then Nate Robinson single handedly killed it. If he tried that between his legs pass one more time, I was going to fly up to New York and kill him. Seriously. Who came up with this ridiculous rule that you can't penalize a player for missing 10,000 dunk attempts? You get three attempts (an attempt being you touch the rim) or 5 passes, whichever comes first. That's the new rule for the dunk contest. I have spoken.

Anyway, congrats to AI2 for REALLY winning the dunk contest. His behind the backboard dunk was a top 5 dunk contest dunk of all time, and he had some good other dunks too. On that note...is there anything funnier than a contest where someone gets cheated, but no one tells the cameraman, so he keeps filming the guy who should have won instead of the guy who did win? He's just happily filming away at the obvious winner, while the crowd is booing because the wrong guy won. Good call guys.

* You know you're a true NBA fan when you're dissapointed that they're not showing the celebrity game on TV. And yes--I want to become a celebrity just so I can play in the celebrity game. You can keep the fame, money, hoez, etc.--I just want to be in the NBA All Star celebrity game.

You think I'm kidding.

* Now it's Sunday night, and time for the Game itself! First up, I almost have a heart attack when I see that Rasheed Wallace has shaved! He's got a nice little gottee going! I can't even remember the last time I saw him shaved, it's been at least 3 years. He must really want to be an All Star.

* Destiny's Child rocks. Walter McCarty...not so much.

* They just showed Jermaine O'Neal in his suit during introductions (he can't play cause he's hurt), and he looked like he was about to cry. Is it just or me, or does he always look that way? No matter how old he gets, he always looks like the scared, sad little boy who lost his mommy and can't find her and is about to start balling in the middle of the mall. Even when he's punching out unruelly Piston's fans.

* Chris Rock is funny. Eddie Murphy in his prime was hilarious. But watching Yao Ming try to do the robot during intros? That's comedy to a whole new level folks.

* I swear to God and everything that is Holy, I wrote this down before anyone else had a chance to say it: I would bet everything I own that Dwayne Wade doesn't play with the 4 Pistons tonight. If Larry Brown was still coaching the Pistons, I would bet everything I had that he would call timeout after the tip, pull all the starters, and put in the 4 Pistons with Wade, but Flip Saunders? No way that's going to happen.

The lesson, as always: I fucking hate Larry Brown.

* You know what's scary about Shaq? Even when he's out there screwing around, he's better than everyone else.

* So remember last year how I told Lebron last year that he needed to be more aggressive and take over the All Star game? Well apparently Lebron frequents PJ's Place. He'd shoot over a triple team right now. On the other hand, however, Kobe is trying to prove he's not selfish by passing to anyone he can. The East's defense shouldn't even cover Kobe tonight. It's like he and Lebron changed skins tonight.

* The announcers point out to us every 2 minutes that the West wants TMac to get the MVP award, and are thus feeding him the ball. Apparently there's some drama in T's life that he wants us to know he's going through, but not know what it's about. Ooooookayyyyy...anyway guys, I know it's the All Star Game and you're hard pressed to come up with commentary, but stop talking about TMac being given the MVP.

* Halftime, West up by 17. Can't we do a thing where everyone just screws around the first half and throws oops and shit, but in the second half we come back and make it 0-0 and everyone plays for real?

* Question: Who the fuck is Carrie Underwood? Is she a country singer? Why does the NBA keep bringing country singers out here? Do they not understand Target Market? David, you can make mountains move, but you will not bring country music fans to The Black Super Bowl. I know she's The Prize and all, but still.

* Another question: Who the fuck is John Legend? Who are these people? This is the best we can do?

* The East has come roaring back in the second half, behind--once again--the play of Dwayne Wade. Apparently he didn't get the memo that A) you're not supposed to give a fuck and B) you're not supposed to be just gunning for the MVP like Lebron is. That and Chauncey Billups saying "my gag is I'm going to play like a real point guard instead of just play like ass like the rest of these guys" is really entertaining to watch. And every time he scores or drops a dime, he gets a smile on his face that quite obviously says, "Call me a bust will you, you motherfuckers." Did I mention I love Chauncey Billups? Yeah, I have.

The West, consequently, is playing like they TOTALLY don't give a shit. It's like they decided they only want TMac to score so he can be MVP, but they got talked into it and don't really want to do that, so they're mostly just going through the motions out there. And good God...Ray Allen couldn't play worse if he tried. He's not helping himself with all the people who are pissed he's in the All Star Game and Chris Paul isn't. You know...people like me.

* About the finish you would expect. Kobe finally can't take it anymore, and after the East takes a 2 point lead he ties it up with an incredible circus shot. Lebron the takes a shitty runner that misses horribly--again making everyone question if he has the cojones to truly be the best--but fortunately the Man Who Will Not Be Beaten, Dwayne Wade, comes flying out of nowhere, grabs the rebound, and scores it in midair. Incredible play. Lebron then rapes McGrady on the worst shot I've seen on an evening of bad shots, which gets no call from the refs. That's okay though--Vince Carter blows a dunk so badly that the ball goes to halfcourt with a couple sedonds left, and the west players just look at each other like, "Oh fuck that--no way I'm palying another quarter." And thus ends the game. Lebron is of course the MVP.

* Did I mention I can't wait for the game to be in Vegas next year?

Remember folks.......THE NBA....IT'S FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!

Happy Valentine's Day

In honor of this day of days, here's a link to my most...infamous post. Please enjoy, and I hope you have a great day.

Coupla things...Links Edition!

* If you're not watching The Boondocks on Cartoon Networks's Adult Swim, well, you should be. Not only is it a stark and gritty social commentary about America, but it's frickin hillarious. And the Martial Arts in it are excellent, as well. :-)

* So apparently Eminem got married to that crazy ex-wife of his that the is always rapping about in his music. You know, the one he talks about how much he can't stand her, how crazy she is, and how she has tried to ruin his and their daughter's lives. And they got remmaried. WITHOUT A PRENUP.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have another winner of the "Itoldyouthatbitchcrazy" Awards. No, not Eminem's ex ex-wife...Eminem.

* So a recent medical study has shown that many of the NFL's "heavier" players are dying at an alarmingly high young rate. Now I find this shocking. You mean human beings don't naturally weigh 400 pounds when running around doing 2 a days in the summer?

Remind me to thanks Captain Obvious for letting us know about this one.

* This is a story of everything that is right and wrong with our economic system--specifically, the stock market.

So Google's stock price plummeted after it's 2005 earnings were released. Did they have a bad year, you might ask? Absolutely not, is the answer. They doubled their net income from 2004. Had a great year. But because idiot analysts set entirely unrealistic "goals" for the company--not the owners of Google, but analysts--the stock price dropped dramatically.

Let's not listen to the guys who run this popular and profitable business. Obviously they have no idea what they're doing. Let's listen to some whacked out analysts. Oh yeah. Good plan.

* I couldn't agree more. :-)

* I'm sorry, but if I worked in the post office, there is no way I would not take my gun to work. And I don't mean "I'd take it and leave it in my car", or even "I'd lock it in a drawer in my desk", I mean I'd have it on my person, locked, cocked, and ready to rock at all times. Hell, I might not ever go into the Post Office as a customer ever again unarmed.

* Here's my lineups to the NBA All Star Game.
West: Steve Nash^, Kobe Bryant^, Chris Paul, Tony Parker, Dirk Nowitzki^, Tim Duncan^, Shawn Marion, Elton Brand, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Garnett, Marcus Camby^, Pau Gasol.

East: Allen Iverson^, Dwayne Wade^, Chauncey Billups, Richard Hamilton, Gilbert Arenas, Lebron James^, Paul Pierce^, Vince Carter, Michael Redd, Rasheed Wallace, Shaq^, Chris Bosh.

^ denotes he would be my starter. Sorry TMac, you were injured too much this year. Yao is having a decent season, but decent + horrible team does not get you on the All Star team. Same with Ray Allen. And TD...thank me for starting you, I think Brand deserves the start over you this year, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The Greatest Burn Ever

So the Mavs play the Lakers Tuesday, beating them. In the game, Kobe "only" got to shoot 15 free throws, instead of his usually 20,000. According to Phil Jackson, that meant the refs cheated, and as he said to the media, were "intimidated" by Mark Cuban.

Cuban responded with this beauty.

You know, there are plenty of times Cuban goes overboard, and gets annoying. But then there are times that he's that perfect amount of crazy. This is one of those times.

Enjoy Mark's comments...I know I did.

Cartoons

The irony of this is not lost on me. In fact, there's so much irony here I almost can't write it all down.

So a Danish newspaper does a variety of racist Muslim jokes (they are many things, and racist is one of them, like it or not), including depicting Muhammad with a bomb on his head (personally, I thought the one where the angel is screaming to all the souls waiting to get into heaven, "Stop! Stop! We're all out of Virgins!" was HILARIOUS). Guess what happens next? Come on...take a shot in the dark. What do you think happens next? Yep. You're right.

This reminds me of World War I. A relatively minor skirmish from two countries that were not world powers ended up plunging the world into a war that lasted 50 years. Now, we have an offensive cartoon in a pissant newspaper that is in a country that has had almost nothing to do with the current Muslim crises going on in the world lead to a worldwide mess that who knows where it will end?

You see, this is a story of too many people making stands on extreme principals, while not thinking of the consequences of these actions. Which seems to happen every time Islam is involved.

Now for the disclaimer part: I don't hate Islam, don't hate Arabs, etc., etc. As always, I will merely call things like I see them. Insert the token "I have friends that are Muslim" line here, except whereas when most people say that it means they shook hands with a guy once, it's a truth here. I even know how to pronounce Muslim correctly.

Back to the post. So who's the bad guy in this? The answer is simple: the media.

That's right media. This is all your fault. You're the bad guy. You're in the wrong. You're the asshole.

Don't get me wrong: Muslim extremists are the REALLY bad guys. They always are. Anyone who would kill another human being--or burn a building down, potentially killing the people inside--because of a stupid political cartoon is an evil person. You're crazy buddy.

But are we surprised by this reaction? Anyone? I mean seriously. It never entered your pea fucking brain as you were drawing Muhammad with a bomb on his head that these fanatically maniacs might get a little pissed about it? And have you not realized that when these nutballs get pissed about something, their response is to KILL ANYONE THEY CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON? What a shocker there!

But no. Not only did some asshole draw that cartoon, not only did some dickfuck decide to print it, but editors around the world decided that now, when the world is just coming off a war with Muslim Terrorists ("coming off" being a relative term--I'd probably describe it better as "enjoying a lull"), now would be a good time to take a "journalistic stand" and "fight for free speech" and print that cartoon all over the world.

WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORONS ARE YOU?

I've said it before in this very blog: freedom of speech does not mean the right thing to do is say whatever is on your mind. Sure, you have the freedom to express to a drunken Ron Artest in a club that his rap album sucks and he's a shitty NBA player--you cannot be arrested for doing that. But is that a good idea? If someone asked you when you wake up in your hospital bed a week later if, in hindsight, you'd say that again, what do you think your answer would be? Yeah. That's what I thought.

So everyone in the world, here's a lesson that my parents taught me that seems to be lacking in the world today: "Think before you speak." Just because you have the right to say/write/draw something does not mean that you should. Think about the consequences of what you say. Muslim Extremists are crazy. Crazy people--surprisingly--act crazy. If A = B, and B = C, then Muslim Extremists are going to start acting crazy when you say something to piss them off!

So to whoever drew that cartoon because you thought taking an edgy shot at crazy, unpopular people would make you a few bucks, and for those editors who wanted to sell more papers by riding a wave of controversy, I have this to say to you: I wish you personally will receive an eye for an eye. You see, every person that died, every building that was burned, those blood and those ashes belong on your hands. IT IS YOUR FAULT, just as much as it is the evil men who went out and committed those crimes.

So since too many people had bad parents who weren't smart enough to teach them to think before they speak, learn that lesson today. And shut the fuck up next time.

An Extra Small Super Bowl

Author's Note: First, I'd like to apologize for my absence. I have a staff infection in my leg for about a week now, and it's still not totally gone. Long story short: it sucks.
And yes, I got it from your mom.
Seriously, no, it's not an STD, and it's nothing to be too concerned about. Just painful is all.

Worst. Super. Bowl. Ever. Wow. Where to begin? Was anyone except Steeler fans excited about this Super Bowl? I know Detroit is incredibly close to Pittsburgh, but if Seahawk fans are so great that they, too, should be allowed to use the "12th Man" then you'd think they'd find a way over there. That was a home game for Pittsburgh. It was embarrassing for Seattle.

Second, I think this was the worst choke ever in the history of the Super Bowl. Now I know what you are thinking: What about the Broncos or the Bills, back when they lost by about 40? Yes, that was bad, and there was some choking involved there, but that was more "teams who got their asses beat" than it was "teams that choked". Seattle had so many chances to take over this game it became painful to watch. The first half really looked to me like two teams who wanted to lose. Jeremy Stevens couldn't catch a ball to save his life, Shaun Alexander looked like he was just punching the clock and trying not to get hurt out there, and the kicker did less than stellar. That game was theirs, and they simply refused to take it.

Third, a question to the NFL: are you paying royalties to the NBA for the "use the officials to decide the outcome of the game" routine? Cause David Stern patented that trick when Shaq signed with the Lakers. I mean, COME ON. Any time Seattle started to make a run, the officials killed it with highly questionable flags. EVERY TIME. The only close call that Seattle got was in the second half when Hasselback almost fumbled, and by then the game was already decided.

Finally, the real reason America watched this game: the commercials. Except they sucked! Was there any really good ones? I mean, that Fed Ex dinosaur one was okay, but the rest were either A) the same commercials they show normally during the week, or B) sucked outright! Trust me NFL: America did not tune in to watch the Seahawks play. They tuned in (I believe it was the highest rated Super Bowl ever, which "shocked" would be a tremendous understatement as to how I felt about this--I almost drove my car through my garage door) to watch the new commercials.

So there you have football in the modern era, America. A watered down league run by a wannabe-David Stern allows two very mediocre teams to play in possibly the worst Super Bowl ever that corporate America cares so little about they don't even bother to make very many new commercials for. If it weren't for the Steelers trick plays--always fun to watch--this would have been a total loss. I mean, I've never liked the NFL, but at least when you watched the Cowboy's Super Bowls, you knew you were watching greatness. Now each your the quality of play gets worse. Frustrating.

I'm so glad football season is over.

So remember kids...as always...THE NBA..............IT'S FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!!!!!!! OUR TIME HAS COME!!!

Congratulations F*x**!!!!

Well, after going into labor around midnight Friday night, Emery Kathleen F*x* was brought into the world at 5:15am on Monday, January 30, 2006. Mom and Baby Emery are doing just fine. Here's her stat line:

Height: 20.5"
Weight: 7lbs 6ozs
Hair Color: Brown

As Barry put it, "She looks like a combination of me and Robin right now." In case you're wondring what that looks like...I have pictures!


Proud Papa with his widdwe baby gowl. Enjoy that pose Barry, you're going to be doing that a lot the next coupla years.


Great pic of Baby Em in the Nursery. Barry really wanted his finger in the picture, it took three takes.


The true love of Emery Kathleen's life right now: her pacifier.


That's Mom thinking, "I love you more than anything Emery, but I'm never going to let you forget I was in labor for 53 hours! You owe me big time!"