The NBA All-Star Weekend, aka The Black Super Bowl

First, props must be given to J.A. Adande of the L.A. Times for coming up with the phrase "The Black Super Bowl" in reference to the NBA All Star game. PERFECT. Nothing could describe this weekend of madness any better.

In a further attempt to take my man crush on Bill Simmons to disturbing new levels, I actually took notes this All Star Weekend--and I caught damn near the whole thing. So, here we go.

* Welcome to All Star Saturday night! Unfortunately, I missed the Rookie-Sophomore game from the night before since I had practice with my 7th graders. However, I saw highlights, and Andre Iguodala was incredible. I said it at the beginning of the season, and I'll say it again: AI2 is going to be incredible someday. Not this season probably--though this weekend could have very easily been his coming out party--but someday soon, his mind will catch up to his body and he's going to start killing people. Anyway, the Sophs won and AI2 was the going away MVP.

* Charles Barkely with the first quote of the night: "Gilbert Arenas has about as good of a chance {at winning the 3point contest} as Dick Cheney does at finding another hunting partner." Did I mention that Charles joined the booth late, and that I'm 99.9% sure he's drunk right now? I mean, he's 2 sips of beer away from slurring right now.

* HO. LY. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew this already, but it never really clicked until this moment:

NBA All Star Weekend will be in Vegas next year.

I almost peed my pants at this relization. You see, I've had two goals in my adult life that I still have not reached:

1) Go to the NBA All Star Weekend.
2) Go to Las Vegas.

Both have been keys to an almost unattainable level of fun for me personally. Both events I knew would be watershed moments in my life.

But now? Now that I can combine them together? Now that I can increase their power exponentially with their joining of forces? The possibilities are incomprehensible! I mean, the Constructicons unitying to form Devastator--the most powerful Transformer--has NOTHING on these two events joining forces.

I just texted like 5 people, and now you all are hearing it here: I WILL be going to All Star Weekend in Vegas next year.

* First up is the 3 on 3, or whatever they call it. This is where the NBA forces the WNBA down our throats and allows Magic Johnson one more time on the court. I swear to God, here's how the planning for this event went down: "Okay look...even though our fans hate it, we've got to involve the WNBA somehow. We have to let them know that like it or not, they WILL watch women's basketball." "We also have to get Magic back on the court Bob, he keeps calling David and begging for another chance to play!" "Good God, no one wants to see that. He weighs like 300 pounds now! He's like an overblown balloon out there! The sight of Magic in a jersey and shorts makes me want to cry...okay look. Let's just get this over with real quick. We'll do some spot shooting drill with a WNBA player and a former player. Obviously Magic will be the former player with Kobe. Done! Killed two birds with one stone."

This actually wasn't terrible, for three reasons: 1) The joy of watching Steve Kerr kick the shit out of everyone. I mean, was there any doubt Steve Kerr wasn't going to win a spot shooting event? Come on. This is what he was made for. I bet he still shoots 1,000 threes a day. 2) Watching the half court shot. I think they shot almost 40% from half court. That was really cool! 3) I think the whole thing lasted 10 minutes. Maybe. Thank you NBA for going with the principle of "if you can't make it good, at least keep it short."

* I swear to God, if they show Eva Longoria one more time, I'm going to be forced to make her disappear. Jesus Christ. They just showed her more than the 3 on 3 competitors. I mean come on...nobody's been tricked into thinking she's a WNBA player. She's not that great looking! And Tony Parker...I can't believe he actually proposed to her. Are you really that dumb? I can't believe her agent has had her hang out with you this long.

* Sorry. So now we're at the Skills Competition. Yawn. Lebron, could you please stop looking bored at EVERYTHING? Yes, we know that everything is beneath your talent. But at least try to look like you're enjoying and excited about something every once in a while.

On the flip side, you have Dwayne Wade, who obviously wants to win at everything. I love this guy. He seems like a really nice guy, but you can tell he has an ultra-competitive streak that makes him want to win at marbles with a 5 year old. However, he knows that that same competitive streak isn't always a good thing, and he tries to keep it in check. But when push comes to shove, he takes it to another level. Even during the Skills Competition. More on this later.

Skills Competition: Not bad, but not good. Everyone looked bored to be out there, except Chris Paul, who looked like he might pee on himself--he's a rookie he was a bit nervous his first time--and Wade, who obviously got mad at himself for missing so many 15 footers from the top of the key. But again, it was quick.

* I'm really enjoying the random players who showed up. First, you have Tyronn Lue hanging out on the sideline with Richard Hamilton--perhaps the ulgiest men with the same hairdo ever to hang around together. Did anyone need to let Tyronn Lue in the building? Damon Jones is wearing some kind of suit so incredibly ugly that Drunk Charles just yelled at the TNT crew to put the cameras back on him for five minutes. I'm not even kidding. They went to a commercial break to try to get him to shut up, and he was still ranting when they came back. Someone bring him some Chasers! Finally, Mike James is here, I guess to show Chris Bosh how to get around Houston. Since he grew up in Dallas, I think he's going to be okay Mike. But thanks for coming. Really.

I feel bad about that one. Mike James was a GREAT pickup for my fantasy league team, and is having a very good season. So I take that back. Sorry for making fun of you Mike. But I still can't believe they let Tyronn Lue in the building.

* A very ho hum 3 point shootout. So where was Dirk and Jason Terry's big "trick" they were going to do? Was the trick Dirk getting credit for his buzzer beater that didn't beat the buzzer? Ah who cares. Good job Dirk for winning!

* Finally, we're at the dunk contest. This started as a great contest...and then Nate Robinson single handedly killed it. If he tried that between his legs pass one more time, I was going to fly up to New York and kill him. Seriously. Who came up with this ridiculous rule that you can't penalize a player for missing 10,000 dunk attempts? You get three attempts (an attempt being you touch the rim) or 5 passes, whichever comes first. That's the new rule for the dunk contest. I have spoken.

Anyway, congrats to AI2 for REALLY winning the dunk contest. His behind the backboard dunk was a top 5 dunk contest dunk of all time, and he had some good other dunks too. On that note...is there anything funnier than a contest where someone gets cheated, but no one tells the cameraman, so he keeps filming the guy who should have won instead of the guy who did win? He's just happily filming away at the obvious winner, while the crowd is booing because the wrong guy won. Good call guys.

* You know you're a true NBA fan when you're dissapointed that they're not showing the celebrity game on TV. And yes--I want to become a celebrity just so I can play in the celebrity game. You can keep the fame, money, hoez, etc.--I just want to be in the NBA All Star celebrity game.

You think I'm kidding.

* Now it's Sunday night, and time for the Game itself! First up, I almost have a heart attack when I see that Rasheed Wallace has shaved! He's got a nice little gottee going! I can't even remember the last time I saw him shaved, it's been at least 3 years. He must really want to be an All Star.

* Destiny's Child rocks. Walter McCarty...not so much.

* They just showed Jermaine O'Neal in his suit during introductions (he can't play cause he's hurt), and he looked like he was about to cry. Is it just or me, or does he always look that way? No matter how old he gets, he always looks like the scared, sad little boy who lost his mommy and can't find her and is about to start balling in the middle of the mall. Even when he's punching out unruelly Piston's fans.

* Chris Rock is funny. Eddie Murphy in his prime was hilarious. But watching Yao Ming try to do the robot during intros? That's comedy to a whole new level folks.

* I swear to God and everything that is Holy, I wrote this down before anyone else had a chance to say it: I would bet everything I own that Dwayne Wade doesn't play with the 4 Pistons tonight. If Larry Brown was still coaching the Pistons, I would bet everything I had that he would call timeout after the tip, pull all the starters, and put in the 4 Pistons with Wade, but Flip Saunders? No way that's going to happen.

The lesson, as always: I fucking hate Larry Brown.

* You know what's scary about Shaq? Even when he's out there screwing around, he's better than everyone else.

* So remember last year how I told Lebron last year that he needed to be more aggressive and take over the All Star game? Well apparently Lebron frequents PJ's Place. He'd shoot over a triple team right now. On the other hand, however, Kobe is trying to prove he's not selfish by passing to anyone he can. The East's defense shouldn't even cover Kobe tonight. It's like he and Lebron changed skins tonight.

* The announcers point out to us every 2 minutes that the West wants TMac to get the MVP award, and are thus feeding him the ball. Apparently there's some drama in T's life that he wants us to know he's going through, but not know what it's about. Ooooookayyyyy...anyway guys, I know it's the All Star Game and you're hard pressed to come up with commentary, but stop talking about TMac being given the MVP.

* Halftime, West up by 17. Can't we do a thing where everyone just screws around the first half and throws oops and shit, but in the second half we come back and make it 0-0 and everyone plays for real?

* Question: Who the fuck is Carrie Underwood? Is she a country singer? Why does the NBA keep bringing country singers out here? Do they not understand Target Market? David, you can make mountains move, but you will not bring country music fans to The Black Super Bowl. I know she's The Prize and all, but still.

* Another question: Who the fuck is John Legend? Who are these people? This is the best we can do?

* The East has come roaring back in the second half, behind--once again--the play of Dwayne Wade. Apparently he didn't get the memo that A) you're not supposed to give a fuck and B) you're not supposed to be just gunning for the MVP like Lebron is. That and Chauncey Billups saying "my gag is I'm going to play like a real point guard instead of just play like ass like the rest of these guys" is really entertaining to watch. And every time he scores or drops a dime, he gets a smile on his face that quite obviously says, "Call me a bust will you, you motherfuckers." Did I mention I love Chauncey Billups? Yeah, I have.

The West, consequently, is playing like they TOTALLY don't give a shit. It's like they decided they only want TMac to score so he can be MVP, but they got talked into it and don't really want to do that, so they're mostly just going through the motions out there. And good God...Ray Allen couldn't play worse if he tried. He's not helping himself with all the people who are pissed he's in the All Star Game and Chris Paul isn't. You know...people like me.

* About the finish you would expect. Kobe finally can't take it anymore, and after the East takes a 2 point lead he ties it up with an incredible circus shot. Lebron the takes a shitty runner that misses horribly--again making everyone question if he has the cojones to truly be the best--but fortunately the Man Who Will Not Be Beaten, Dwayne Wade, comes flying out of nowhere, grabs the rebound, and scores it in midair. Incredible play. Lebron then rapes McGrady on the worst shot I've seen on an evening of bad shots, which gets no call from the refs. That's okay though--Vince Carter blows a dunk so badly that the ball goes to halfcourt with a couple sedonds left, and the west players just look at each other like, "Oh fuck that--no way I'm palying another quarter." And thus ends the game. Lebron is of course the MVP.

* Did I mention I can't wait for the game to be in Vegas next year?

Remember folks.......THE NBA....IT'S FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!