List of the Week: Top Five Commercials

Needed some room to explain our list this week, so we'll go ahead and post it over here.

Also...in the comments to the last post (Coupla Things...), I've got a question for you all regarding Personalized License Plates. Your input would be appreciated.

* Aiwa--Another one bites the dust: The best commercial of all time. This kid in a nice suit is in a car and is just JAMMING to Another One Bites The Dust. He's got the windows rolled down, the speakers are BUMPING. As people drive by, they are honking and waving at him, and he's having so much fun. He's waving back, honking back, sticking his head out the window and giving people thumbs up, it's great. Then the camera looks at the passenger in the car, and it's this old man, also in a nice black suit, who is just SCOWLING at the kid. He looks furious. Then the camera pans to the highway...and you see the kid is the lead limo in a funeral procession. Priceless.
* Osh Kosh B'gosh: I love the one where all the little kids are trying to say "Osh Kosh B'gosh", and none of them can do it. It ends with the last kid--BEAMING with pride--confidently saying, "B'gosh B'gosh B'gosh". It's so fricking cute.
* Bud--The Great Lawyer Roundup: This is one of that series where they start with, "If you can combine the great taste of Bud with Bud Lite", where people want to watch two shows on TV, and then someone hits the TV with a Bud Lite and it combines the two shows. Well, one guy wants to watch "Tough, Smart Lawyers". And another wants to watch Calf Roping. It combines into "The Great Lawyer Roundup." The last one releases this huge fat lawyer in his suit carrying his briefcase as the announcer says, "And here's the divorce attorney who took Joe Bob's Bass Boat last year!" And then there's a one second shot of this fat guy running for his life with his glasses on, in his suit, with his briefcase, and his jowls bouncing up and down (cause he's huge), as Joe Bob rides him down. Joe Bob jumps off, ropes him, and gives a YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! that I will remember for the rest of my life. The acting in that commercial was incredibly good. You really did think the lawyer was afraid for his life, and by God, you thought that son of a bitch took Joe Bob's Bass Boat from him in real life, too. :-)
* Miller Lite: The foozball "I stand corrected. That was a stupid question about taste loss." commercial that is running right now. It's mentioned in a Coupla Things... below, if you want a description, look there please.
* 7up--Make 7 Up Yours!: The original commercial with Orlando Bloom. Priceless.

I'll give this an Honorable Mention: M&Ms--"They do exist", Stainmaster Carpets--The baby running around to The Sabre Dance

Coupla things...

* Thoughts on John Chaney (Temple basketball coach who sent a player in to intentionally foul a St. Joe's player because he felt the refs weren't calling moving screens. The player ended up breaking a St. Joe's player's wrist, sidelining him for the rest of the season): Is anyone really surprised by this? John Chaney is a racist asshole! This is a guy who almost got into a fight at a press conference two years ago. He's scum, he hasn't fielded a good team in years, and he did something totally unthinkable. As the coach, your supposed to be the calming influence. Your not supposed to encourage players to hurt each other! Especially over MOVING SCREENS? What an asshole. The only reason Temple didn't fire him is because they're scared he'll claim they are racist. I cannot stand him.

* After that serious topic--The Hamster Dance: Greatness.

* Why do they show coach's wives during NCAA games? Especially since they do it 50 times at the end of dramatic games. We don't care! Gee, you think they want their husband to win? That's the families meal ticket! Of course they want them to win! Other than that, though, they don't really care!

* Let me make this simple for everyone: If I'm in a coma for 15 years, and my cerebrum has dissolved and been replaced by spinal fluid, PULL THE MOTHER FUCKING PLUG ON ME.

* The best commercial on TV right now, without question: The Bud Lite commercial where the two kids are sitting there, and the Announcer is saying, "There's no stupid questions about taste loss." And one of the kids goes, "Can I get taste loss from a foozball table?" And the Announcer goes "I stand corrected. That was a stupid question about taste loss." Man...I'm laughing just writing about it right now.

* The Candle Room in Dallas sucks. Completely. Like, I have nothing good at all to say about that place; not one good thing.

* The O Bar, on the other hand, was surprisingly cool. I will frequent that establishment again some day, and I encourage you to do so, as well.

* More proof that yes, I am going to Hell: last night, I scored about 16 points in a Baptist Church league game, when I couldn't use my left arm because I'd had a tetanus shot, and my shoelaces broke with 4 minutes left in the game, and I still stayed in. And you know what the best part of the game was for me? Doing the Sign of the Cross before and after the pregame prayer. HEHEHEHHEHE.

* On a related note, it's safer from a "Will some guy injure me in this game" standpoint to play in a league in South Oak Cliff than it is to play in any Church league, anywhere. Man those Christians play dirty! That goes for us Catholics, too.

* Sam, Halley, and Jared, I had a FANTASTIC time last weekend. You guys are so awesome, and please come back soon.

* Street Sweepers should not be on the road at 7:15am. It's rush hour guys! We don't need you shutting down a lane for that. Also, cops should not be allowed to run traffic from 7:30am to 9:00am, and from 4:00pm to 6:00pm on major highways. You do more harm than good, fellas.

* Thou shalt not go where thine family has gone.

* Non-hot girls should not get personalized license plates. I mean seriously, is that not a huge disappointment: you see a personalized plate, especially a snotty one like "I-A Brat", and you think, "damn, she mut be fine". Then you speed up and it's some miserable looking girl! Such a letdown.

* Try staying at home on a Friday or Saturday night every once in a while. You’ll enjoy it.

* I hate it when they ask you to tip when you get stuff to go at places like Chilis. Why should I tip you? What have you done to deserve a tip? Walk the food from the kitchen to me? So do I need to the McDonald's guy, too? I don't even need to get out of my car for him, he provides me with even better service! Isn't that part of the reason I'm getting it to go anyway, is so I can save some money and not tip you?

* Autumn sent me this the other day, thank you very much:
"Robert Blake postponed a golf outing with O.J. Simpson to give Barbara Walters an exclusive interview on Tuesday's Good Morning America. The newly acquitted Baretta actor told Walters that he doesn't know who killed his wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, but noted that she had "a lot of enemies." He also gave Walters partial credit for his not-guilty verdict, saying the 2003 jailhouse interview she conducted with him "saved my life." Yeah, nice work, Babs. For an interview with Walters about her Blake exchange, read today's Biz."
That came from TVguide.com, so it's not a hoax! ROBERT BLAKE WAS GOING TO PLAY GOLF WITH OJ SIMPSON! You can't make this stuff up! How do they even know each other, other than the fact that they both killed their wives and got away with it? OJ never did a show with Baretta! This is too good to be true. How much would you pay to be in that foursome? I wonder who called who. Did Blake call OJ from prison, and say, "Hey I need some advice...I did the same thing you did, help me out?" Or after Blake got off, did OJ call and say, "Hey dude, good job, way to beat the system! We should form a club! The 'I swear to God we're still looking for our wives killers except for the ten hours a day we play golf' Club!"

* Vicente Fox: remember who your daddy is.

* My Maroon 5 concert review: It was very disappointing. The opening band was The Donnas, who sucked. Then Adam Levine (lead singer) came out and informing us that he had fractured his sternum that day, and they were still going to do the concert, but he didn't know how long he would be able to go. They sang for about an hour, and he did a really good job, especially considering what he was going through. Unfortunately, he didn't make it all the way, and didn't sing Sunday Morning, which is my favorite song of theirs.

After an hour, they should have called it quits, but instead the lead drummer came out, and they sang a coupla cover songs. Now, I appreciate what they were trying to do: they wanted to give their fans a little something extra. Unfortunately, it came off very cheap, and gimicky, and everyone in the place felt ripped off because of it. Sam and Kyle were PISSED. I was disappointed, but not angry.

So in the end, I'd probably go back if they came back into town. However, I definitely cannot say that it was a good show. I'd give it a C-, and I think I'm being pretty generous with that.

* Have fun, be good.

The Passing of the Don

I cannot stand Don Nelson.

Sorry. I was going to come out all nice, with the "I have nothing against Don Nelson personally," etc. Which is true. I'm sure he's a nice guy. But he's a terrible coach, and a decent general manager, at best.

Don Nelson began his coaching career in Milwaukee in 1976. He quickly became famous for a centerless, uptempo, "small ball" kind of basketball. It was revolutionary at the time, and he quickly earned the nickname "Genius". The style of play led to great regular season success, but little playoff results: he rarely got past the second round of the playoffs despite routinely winning his conference.

In 1988, Don Nelson went to Golden State, and had similar success there. He became famous for the "Run TMC" offense of Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond, and Chris Mullin. He had the same results as in Milwaukee: good regular season success, high scoring games, and little playoff success.

In 1993, Nelson made the worst mistake of his career: trading for Chris Webber. Webber and Nelson never got along, and things got so bad that in 1994 both left the team. Nelson then went on to coach the Knicks in 1995, which was also a fantastic failure, not even finishing his first season. Nelson ended up having a Nervous Breakdown while with the Knicks.

I honestly believe Nelson never fully recovered from his Nervous Breakdown.

I think the man is crazy. He doesn't make sense at all. No, that's not true. Sadly, I've watched Nelson enough over the years that he does make sense to me. Unfortunately, his logic is totally insane.

Nelson is a shrewd judge of talent. He drafted Latrell Sprewell, Tim Hardaway, Dirk Nowitzki, and others when no one else believed in them. However, he's also the man who drafted Manute Bol. That's the thing with Nelson: he WILL NOT think conventionally. He's always looking for the unusual pick. He's always looking for the diamond in the rough. It's like he's always trying to regain the "Genius" title by coming up with other different ways of doing things. Fortunately, he is a good enough judge of talent that it does work, and often to fantastic results. Unfortunately, when you are always looking for a diamond, it's easy to pick up a stinky piece of coal. So when he doesn't find a Dirk, Nelson quite often fails miserably.

Nelson has been given a lot of credit for the turnaround in Dallas. He deserves a lot of the blame, too. Nelson's first 3 seasons in Dallas were all under .500. You wouldn't BELIEVE some of the players he brought in here...the foremost, of course, and the one I'll never forgive him for, is his favorite gimmick, Shawn Bradley. Thank God that drafting Dirk and trading for Nash panned out, because otherwise the Mavs would still be sucking. As good as the Mavs have been, those two moves are the only ones that have truly panned out for Nelson (Finley was already here).

And don't even get me started on his coaching style. The definition of beating one's head against the wall is Don Nelson coaching. A true "Genius" or great coach tinkers with his philosophy to match his players, and to take his team to the next level. Nelson is incapable or unwilling to adjust his coaching style to take the Mavs to the next level. He is Hell bent on winning without defense or rebounding. It's like he doesn't want to win that way, because that will prove all of his detractors correct. For years, people have said that his style of play is nice to win some games, but will never win you a title. Well, after 19 years of trying, guess what: they're right!

Nelson is right about one thing. The Mavs have responded MUCH better to Avery Johnson than him this season. It's partly because Nelson has never been interested in coaching this season; he quit on this team a long time ago. It's also partly because--even with his lack of experience--AJ is a better coach. I'm glad Johnson was an assistant under Nelson. He picked up valuable offensive coaching experience from him. Fortunately, AJ's years on the Spurs taught him that you need good defense and rebounding to win a championship, too. The Mavericks are a REMARKABLY different team with Johnson at the helm. It's great to see. Sure, he's going to have growing pains, and make some mistakes. But I'd take him over Don Nelson any day of the week.

So goodbye and good riddance, Don Nelson. I don't hate you; the Mavs did turn around while you were here, and you do deserve some credit for that. However, you don't deserve near the credit you've received, and you should have left a long time ago. I won't miss you.

F LSU!

My bracket is screwed now! Oh well, back to the one true professional league: the NBA! Go Mavs!

The Peterson Trial

So Scott Peterson has been sentenced to death. I really don't understand this trial, on several different levels. First, why was this trial such a big deal? Yes, it was terrible that a pregnant mother got killed. But unfortunately, that is not horribly uncommon in this day and age. It happens on Law & Order all the time. Why was this such a national story? I seriously think it was just a slow news day when this happened, so the media jumped on it and turned it into a national story. I'm not trying to be callous here, I'm just really confused as to why a double homicide of non-famous people became a national story.

Second, why did this trial take so long? Peterson was arrested April 18, 2003. It should have taken about 15 minutes to convict him. The guy is an idiot. He had motive and opportunity; he told the police about 4 different stories for his alibi; his mistress got him on tape all but admitting to the crime; he acts so creepy at the trial it's like he wants to get committed; there was a mountain of evidence against him. So why, two years later, is he finally getting the death penalty? I understand a little bit of a delay to try to find the murder weapon, but still this trial took ENTIRELY too long.

Back to the Scott Peterson is an idiot thing...wow. To begin with, if you're going to kill your wife, have an alibi. Even if it's a bad one, have it and stick with it. It's not a good thing to lie to the nice policemen. Next, trading the wife's SUV in...brilliant. I understand that you need to get rid of it, since, you know, you killed your wife, but do something subtle with it. Say it got stolen, drive it off a cliff, something. Don't publicly trade it in. Third, you need to lie to people. When the father calls and says, "Just tell me where my daughter's body is", don't sit there and say over and over again, "I'm sorry" in a totally unfeeling voice. Say, "I understand that you're distraught, but are you fucking kidding me? I loved your daughter more than you do! She was my wife! I would never harm her! When we find out who did this, there is nowhere on earth that person will be safe from me!" Also, when your pissed off mistress calls you irate and convinced that you killed your wife, have a similar sort of reaction to her. Don't respond with stony silence of "You need to calm down comments" when she says, "You fucking killed your wife, didn't you?" Especially when you have no idea if you are getting her on tape or not! And finally, the "I'm a stone faced, coldblooded killer look", which the only reason I'm assuming you did that in court was to impress the other guys on death row, doesn't usually go over with jurors. You know what I mean? Having no emotional attachment to the fact that YOUR WIFE AND ONLY CHILD were brutally murdered is not what us normal people would call "common".

And as for Amber Fey (the mistress)...good for you, honey! I don't know how you can be in a long term sexual relationship with a man and not know he's married, but when she found out, she went to town on him! I LOVE the recorded phone call! Way to try to do the right thing in the end.

So goodbye to Scott Peterson. Of course, it's going to be at least 10-15 years before he is sent packing since he's out in CALI-fornia, but at least he's moving in the right direction, at least justice has been served, and at least we don't have to hear about this case anymore.

Tournament Time

March: the month that the least amount of work gets done in America. That's right, this probably even beats December. Does anyone actually do anything in March? It amazes me how that works out. Anyway, while yes, it's true, I am an NBA expert, I'm not quite as good with the NCAA. I just don't keep up with it as much as I used to, as the talent level is incredibly diluted and the game is not as fun to watch as the NBA is.

To Marc, Julie, Ben...actually, to everyone except Sherry, Tim, Carly, maybe BVo, Bill Simmons, and that's probably about it: THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID THE NBA IS BETTER THAN COLLEGE BASKETBALL! NOW SUCK IT! THAT'S RIGHT, SUCK IT! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sorry, got a little carried away there. However, that being said, there is not a sporting event more exciting than the NCAA tournament: anything can, will, and does happen, and the edge of your seat thrill is second to none. It is greatness.

Now, as I said, I don't keep up with college basketball as much as I used to, so I can't tell you "Dude, I've seen both Oakland and Oklahoma A&M play three times each, and I can GUARANTEE you that Oakland will pull out the upset!" However, I do keep an eye out on the major teams, and I do have some tips you can use for making your own bracket.

1) Remember: It's not what you've done...it's what you've done for me lately. This is the most important thing to remember. Trust me on this: basketball is a game of runs. An individual goes on runs during a game...a team goes on runs during a game...teams go on runs during a season. I cannot stress this enough. Pay attention to how the team has played lately; who has is hurt, who is coming off the IL (remember: a player coming back from a long injury is not always a good thing!), how the team has been shooting lately, and who they have won or lost against lately. You don't want a team that is too hot, and you don't want won that is cold. You want one that is just starting to heat up.
2) It doesn't matter how good you are; it matters how good you match up. This is where the upsets come from. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to use my alma matter as an example here. OSU is a great team. However, they have no big guys AT ALL. They haven't stopped a decent--not good, decent--big man in months, if all season. So when they play LSU in the Sweet 16, I'm VERY concerned, because LSU has some great forwards. Yes, OSU has a better team: they're deeper, they're guards are better, they've played a tougher schedule. However, a team with one or more dominant big men can give them a ton of trouble. You have to watch out for things like that; if a team can't stop a penetrating point guard, and they're playing Wake Forest, they're going to have problems. It doesn't matter how good the teams are overall, it matters how they match up on that particular day.
3) Pay attention to the school's/coach's history. This shouldn't matter...but it does. The basketball gods favor some and don't favor others. It's a simple fact. Some schools simply always underachieve (Arizona, Kansas). Some coaches always underachieve (Roy Williams). Some schools/coaches seem to always overachieve (Syracuse). Remember that when picking them in a tight game.
4) Guard play isn't as important as it used to be. The college game has become a lot more physical, and the guards less talented. At the same time, forwards have become a lot more versatile, following in the Kevin Garnett mold. So the old adage of "ride the guards all the way" isn't completely dead, but isn't quite as lively as it used to be. Now don't get me wrong: a bad backcourt will get you nowhere. But an above average backcourt with dominant forwards (UCONN with Okafur and Vilanoiva [no way I spelled that right, and I don't want to look it up], Syracuse with Carmelo and Warrick) will get you a lot further than it used to.
5) Go ahead and ride that dominant player. This isn't as true this year, as there is no clearcut player of the year, or two. However, there are still dominant players who can and will be the differencemakers in tight games (Hakim Warrick, Chris Paul, Dee Brown). If you're having trouble picking between two teams, ties go to the best player.
6) Beware the best team. I'm struggling with this one right now. I like Illinois. I think they lost at the perfect time; remember rule #1, basketball is a game of runs. So they lost that one game early enough that they could get started on another run: they are a team that is definitely heating up at the perfect time. HOWEVER, being the best team in the country is hard. To actually pull off the final victory, you usually have to be head AND shoulders better than everyone else. I think the Fighting Illini (I love that name) are head above everyone else, but not necessarily shoulders. So that makes me very hesitant to pick them.
7) Headfake! My favorite names in college basketball: Salukis, Fighting Illini, Tar Heels, Orangemen, Blazers (the name is okay, but they have a Dragon as their mascot!), Demon Deacons, and the Ragin' Cajuns (don't forget the apostrophe!).
8) Beware of popular opinion on upsets. And we're back! If everyone is guaranteeing an upset is going to happen for a certain game, well, then it's probably not going to happen. It's as simple as that.
9) Go with your gut. No, your gut probably isn't that accurate, unless you really pay attention to college basketball, at which point you don't need to go with your gut, because you actually know what you're doing. It's just more fun to go with your gut, and that's what it's supposed to be all about.
10) Insert glib basketball phrase here (And Ones, Loose Balls, Turnovers, etc.). It pisses me off that Washington is a Number 1 seed; Wake Forest, OSU, and maybe even Kentucky deserved it over them. Beware the team that is just happy to be there. Go with the team that is really pissed off about something tangible and has something to prove. I think Hakim Warrick will have an amazing tournament. I really want to pick Utah State over Arizona, but I just don't think I can do it. Nothing would be funnier than seeing which team choked first if UNC and Kansas did play each other; would they both actually try to throw the game? Why does Gonzaga get ranked so high every year? God I hate the "Chicago/Albuquerque/Syracuse/Austin" thing. Call them by the regions!

My Final Four: Illinois, Wake Forest, UNC, Syracuse. Wake Forest beats Syracuse for the title, and all because Wake Forest is pissed about Chris Paul getting suspended for as long as he did, and for putting them as a two seed.

And I don't blame them.

If Wake doesn't win it, the Fighting Illini will.

Have fun everyone!

Women's televised basketball

So my good friend Michael M calls me the other day, and says, "I have an idea for a column for you."

"What is it?" I respond.

"I think you should write about the WNBA and women's college basketball. I just turned on my TV and it's on Primetime TV! How is this possible? No one watches it! This is so stupid!"

I then tried to explain to him that I was trying to up the patronage of the fairer sex on the blog, and so it might not be a good idea. When that argument was less than successful, I pointed out that I am very good friends with many outstanding female athletes--including a professional female athlete, congrats Brande--and that such an article could result in physical violence to my person, up to and including my death.

"Stop being a pussy" was his reply. I'm glad that my good friend has such concern for my well being.

So, why is the WNBA and female college basketball on TV? I decided to do some research. Maybe Mike is mistaken in his beliefs; maybe there is a nice little market out there watching female basketball on TV.

Well, there's not. I could quote you specifics, but just take my word for it: the WNBA is losing a lot of money (an estimated $12 mil in 03), and the ratings for both college and the WNBA are really, really bad.

So why keep them around? Why show them on TV, especially during prime time spots? Here's my theory.

We live in a politically correct era. This isn't news to anyone. The NBA keeps the WNBA around because it's good PR. It's as simple as that. Do you think David Stern wants to be the man who pulls the plug on women's basketball? There will be outrage. The headlines about the WNBA leaving the world would far exceed any headlines they receive while they are in existence, now. The NBA would have to admit that it doesn't have the marketing power to keep such a league afloat, in spite of the massive (and annoying) advertising that they beat us (us being the last 20 true NBA fans) over the head with. Basically, I think that David Stern sat down, thought about it, ran a few numbers, and said, "You know what? I'd rather lose ten mil a year than have to put up with the headache of calling it quits."

But what about the TV stations themselves? Why do they permit these games that no one attends or watches (now I haven't watched a WNBA game...well, ever really, but last night I stopped by Fox Sports and checked out the women's college bball game that was on there--Stanford versus Arizona State, #7 versus #15--and there was NO ONE in the stands) to be on TV, in prime spots? You'd think they'd say no way.

The answer is they have to. It's something that you're required to do when you go after the NBA. If you get to show college basketball games on your network, isn't it worth the cost to show a women's game every once in awhile? Same with the NBA? Sure you will. It's part of the cost of doing business; it's all part of the deal. And even if you did have a financial objection, are you going to bring it up? Do you want David Stern to announce at a press conference, "Well, we wanted to sign a TV deal with ABC, but they refused to carry any WNBA games?" Do you want to be that bad guy? Of course not. So the networks bite the bullet every once in a while, and toss the Politically Correct dogs a bone.

I'm not saying women can't play basketball. This is not an indictment on female basketball skills in any way, shape, or form. TV is entertainment. It's as simple as that. And female basketball is not as entertaining as men's basketball. I'm sorry. It's just not. An underhanded layup is not as exciting as a dunk. I'm not being sexist here; the ratings prove that America agrees with me. But, because of the politically correct world we live in, we've still got women's basketball on TV, even though it has proven not to support itself.

And before anyone even does it...don't send me the "screw you, my daughter loves it" and the "it's an important step for women in the world today" comments. That's fine that your daughter loves it, but unfortunately, there are not enough daughters that do. It's a numbers game people; I'm not being judgmental. And the "it's an important step for women" argument...whatever. The World Cup in 1996 was an important step for women. Rebecca Lobo's Connecticut teams were important steps for women. These helped not only advance the cause of women's athletics, but of female equality in general. I consider Mia Hamm (one of my favorite athletes of all time) to be as important to women in history as Susan B Anthony. But women's professional basketball today (and that includes college sports, sorry people, but there is NOTHING amateur about that) is not making any significant social progress, nor making any women's athletics progress. The only interest that is generated is when another WNBA star poses for Playboy, and I don't think that's what we would call progress.

So that's it. That's why we've got the women's basketball on TV. I'm not saying it's never going to happen that there will be women's professional basketball league that can make it; but now is not the time. Someday perhaps. But for now, enjoy it while it lasts.

The First Annual "Itoldyouthatbitchwascrazy" Awards!

Thank you, thank you! Welcome to our latest segment: The First Annual "Itoldyouthatbitchwascrazy" Awards! That's right ladies and gentlemen, boyz and girlz, today we honor a woman who is so certifiably insane that whenever you hear a story about her, you immediately want to say to whoever is telling the story, "Itoldyouthatbitchwascrazy!" There's actually nothing annual about these awards; I just think that any time you can work in a Blank Annual Awards title, you should.

And the winner goes to...Tamara (who is at least smart enough not to give us her last name). At this point I will ask you to check out Tamara's web site, and come on back here.


http://www.datetosave.com/


Your back? Good! Can you believe that nutjob? Itoldyouthatbitchwascrazy! See, isn't it fun to say?

A coupla thoughts after going through this site:

1) I like how you're encouraged to date "cute" or "hot" guys. Apparently, if you're ugly and in need of the good Lord's saving grace, well, you can take your damned ass somewhere else. Have fun in the burning fires of Hell, ugly people!
2) The 10 tips are perhaps some of the funniest things I've ever seen. Bill Simmon's Unintentional Comedy Scale is off the charts here.
* "If he wants to hold your hand...give him a Bible." Huh? You can't even hold hands? Damn...I missed that part of the Bible, "Thou shalt not hold hands if thou isn't married and Christian." Does that include shaking people's hands? Holy Shit! It's a good think I'm Catholic and not Christian, otherwise I'd be going to Hell for shaking people's hands! Woe to us all!
* "If he asks to pay for dinner...remind him that Jesus also paid a debt he did not owe!" So does this mean you're paying for your dinner? ROFLMAO...I'm calling Shenanigans on that stuck up egomaniacal bitch paying for her own meal. Get out your brooms!
* "After you dump him...tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forget him." Unlike me. I love the wording too. Way to be honest. At least she doesn't say, "After you move on to save another soul". What a nut!
3) Your selling shirts? Are you kidding me! So exactly how much money have you made on this?
4) In her questions, she hautighly says that she "doesn't date anyone that she meets online". Why not, you crazy bitch? What's wrong with dating people you meet online? Is it somehow better to meet only hot guys, whore yourselves out to them to get them to come to church, and then dump them? And if your goal is truly to date as many guys as you can in order to bring them to the Lord, shouldn't you use any resources available in order to find guys to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior? I guess I'm just not following her logic here...see, Itoldyouthatbitchwascrazy!

So Tamara, we thank you. Congratulations on being our first award winner. Hopefully, some of us will be able to meet you someday, and get to make fun of your crackah ass. And OSU grads...let's take this moment to think about our dear friend who also did this while we're at school. That's right, we know someone who did the same thing. I won't say her name here...but cloudkicker, we're thinking about you now. Holler at Tamara sometime, you can trade evil stories.