My Trip To New Orleans or I Have Now Confirmed Everything I Thought About Louisiana

I've always believed that Louisiana was evil. Like, pure evil. The example I give is this: if the Devil ever comes back to our world to start the Apocalypse like in The End Of Days, it won't be in New York or L.A. like Hollywood always shows it. It will be in Louisiana--either in some deep, dark Voodoo filled swamp, or in New Orleans.

Seeing New Orleans this weekend confirmed those beliefs in my mind.

I'm just going to give you random thoughts and observations from the Murder Capital of the World. No, I'm not kidding. Both good and bad. Mostly bad. And even some of the ones that I consider "good" some people would probably consider bad. So here it is.

If you're from New Orleans and/or love that part of the world, you'd best just stop reading now.

* New Orlineans (not sure if that is spelled right, and don't care) are probably the laziest people in America. I was embarrassed that I had to call these people Americans. Any Welfare opponent has the perfect case with which to base his argument against, in Post-Katrina New Orleans.

First of all, the unemployment rate in NO should be 0. 0. Not a single person. Every single business down there is DESPERATE to hire anyone with a pulse. Every store has a "Now Hiring" sign in front. They literally cannot keep businesses open because they don't have enough staff. Wal Mart closes at 9:00pm. Read that again. WAL MART CLOSES AT 9:00PM. Can you fin believe that? Yeah, I can't either. The Wendy's down there--every single one--have huge banners that offer a $250 signing bonus and a $125 weekly bonus to anyone willing to work. And none of those places can stay open past 9:00pm, either.

Those people are so God damn lazy that they would rather sit in their little trailers that FEMA has provided them and collect their FEMA checks than go get a job and start working. It's unbelievable. It's a perfect example of everything that is wrong with a Welfare State.

* Make no mistake: Katrina--or the levees that the city of New Orleans and state of Louisiana did not keep in good enough repair--kicked that city's ass. There's still a ton of damage across the city, and there is debris EVERYWHERE still. And the whole time I was there, I saw only two cleaning crews. Now granted: I was there over a weekend. But they still have a ton of work to do.

* The good people of New Orleans honk more than any group of people I've ever heard in my entire life. It's amazing. They honk at everything. They honk so much you honestly stop paying attention. And remember: I come from a family that isn't shy about using their horns, and we can't hold a candle to these people.

* There is alcohol EVERYWHERE. Let me emphasize that again: EVERYWHERE. You can buy liquor in the grocery stores. Seriously. Bought a bottle of Captain Morgan at Winn Dixie (speaking of, that Captain Morgan commercial where the two guys walk into a pizza store, order a pizza delivery, and then ride home with the pizza dude is GREATNESS). And I can't buy a bottle of the good Captain anywhere within the city limits of Irving. God that pisses me off.

Also, there are to go daiquiri shops everywhere. With drive through's. Now I know what you are thinking: how can you have a drive through at a place that sells alcohol? Easy: you're basically allowed to drink & drive there. Yeah. You read that right. The way that the law is written, you can have a daiquiri in your hand in the front seat--as long as it doesn't have a straw in it. If it has a straw, then it's an open container. But as long as it doesn't have a straw, and as long as a popo doesn't see you actually take a drink, you're cool.

* So on Saturday, Sam and I go play basketball at the health club he works out at--decently posh place. The court was right by the pool. Well, there was some lady running around there in HIGH HEELS. That's right. She was doing the bathing suit and high heels, constantly walking--I'm sorry, I mean strutting--from the pool to the bar (that's right, there's even a bar at the health club. I couldn't make this up), waiting for guys to hit on her. It was HILARIOUS. I'm sorry, no matter how hot you are, wearing heels to the pool is just going to get you laughed at.

* While Tulsa still retains the title of "Worst Roads in America", as having overall the worst roads, New Orleans does have worse spots than they do in Tulsa. There was seriously a couple of spots where I didn't think our car was going to make it out of it if we went in--but there was no way around it, as it was too big. This could have been caused by Katrina, or it could have just been really cheap, shitty roads.

* The skyline of New Orleans is pretty and impressive. Xavier University is very cool looking, and the Hotel de Cirque is beautiful with the lights that go across it. They've also lit the bridge up to where it looks real nice. The Superdome, while not being aesthetically pleasing, is impressive to behold because of it's size.

* The bars down there were really cool. Good atmosphere, not a lot of pretentious crowds. Decent prices on drinks--about the same as what you pay in Dallas. Sam complained about a lack of Microbrews down there, but as he's a weirdo for drinking beer anyway, he's alone on that one ;-) Somehow I got out of there without having a daiquiri or a hurricane, though I have fallen in love with Sangria thanks to NO.

* Bourbon street was impressive to behold--both good and bad. It's cool to have that many places to go hang out and easily bounce around from. That was nice. Combine that with the sense of history that Bourbon has, and it makes for a good time. However, it's just filthy, and sleazy, and you have to be prepared for anything while walking around--people throwing up in the middle of the street, fighting in the street, that kind of thing. It's a coked up version of 6th Street in Austin. I'll take 6th Street over that any day--there's only so much debauchery a normal person can stand. And FUCK Mardis Gras. I say this when it was not crowded at all down there. I cannot even imagine being down there when that street is so packed that you can't even move. The very thought makes my skin crawl.

* We ate at Emeril's, Emeril Lagasse's place in downtown. The food was good, but not great. Also, the portions were smaller than they should have been. I had some Red Snapper, and Sam had a New York Strip. I would have to say I wouldn't go back: it was premium prices for underwhelming food. Too bad, because I love Elzar, and was really looking forward to going there. We needed another shot from the Spice Weasel. BAM!

* All in all, I would say I would go back if I had a reason to (meet a friend, family vacation, some kind of trip with buddies), but would not just go back myself to see the city. And even then I would go for 2, 3 days max. It's a cool place to go out and drink at, but that's it, and that definitely does not make up for the myriad of bad things going on in the city. I'll take 6th Street over Bourbon Street anyday.

Athletes as Actors

Before we begin, I have my first complaint about blogger.com. For some reason it's not publishing my changes to the blog. Hence the Description of "Testing" for about a week. Very frustrating. I'm trying to talk to them and work through it to figure out what is going on here. So I'm trying, my faithful readers.

While visiting friends in Wichita two weeks ago, the Mayor's nephew asked me which athletes gave the best performance on the silver screen. He also warned me that Shaq better not appear on said list. "Actually, he wasn't bad in Blue Chips..." was my response.

But I did my research, and thought long and hard about it, and have come up with this list of the GREATEST ATHLETES AS ACTORS.

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator 2: Judgement Day: Really, any list that doesn't begin with this should not be considered. The youngest ever Mr. Universe launched his illustrious career with The Terminator, and that took it to another level in one of the greatest films ever (year, I said it) in Terminator 2. There's a reason he's an icon.

2. Andre the Giant, The Princess Bride: Perhaps the most loveable and heartwarming performance by any athlete ever. Hell, perhaps the most loveable and heartwarming performance by any actor ever. Of all the great characters to cheer for from that movie (and BTW, does anyone find it ironic that Robin Penn--probably the least appealing character in that movie--ended up having arguably the most successful career of anyone from that movie? Okay, I'm just babbling now), Fezzik is probably the one that everyone loves the most. What can I say? We love our gentle giants.

3. Ray Allen, He Got Game: Maybe the best dramatic acting an athlete has ever done. True, he was asked to play himself and his life growing up (Ray wasn't that popular in high school, but it wasn't that much of a stretch), but it was still an outstanding performance. To be honest, I am surprised we haven't seen Ray Allen in more roles.

4. The Rock, Saturday Night Live: This was the performance that started The Rock's Hollywood career. If you haven't seen this and ever get the chance to, jump on it. His performance as Superman makes me, to this day, believe he should have been the next Superman; if you don't think "Please--call me Dwayne" will be one of the quotes this week, you're crazy (well, if we get to see any quotes this week); and the Nicotrel commercial was one of the best commercials ever.

5. Carl Weathers, Anything: Where to begin? As Apollo Creed in Rocky? As Hampton Forbes in In The Heat of the Night? As Dillon in Predator? As Chubbs in Happy Gilmore? This former Oakland Raider is truly a master. As you can see, we could do a top five list of Carl Weathers' performances.


6. Vinnie Jones, Anything: You know, I'd put Vinnie Jones on the list just to show the picture on the left. Jones--obviously a Premier League player in England--did that in a game against a Newcastle United player. He also holds a record for being the fastest player ever to get a yellow card in a game (3 seconds). Seriously. I couldn't make this up. I wonder if Adam Sandler has to pay him royalties for Happy Gilmore. I don't think there is any amount of money you could pay me to play soccer with Vinnie Jones.

What a fantastic actor though. Big Chris in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Sphinx in Gone in 60 Seconds (we now know where he gets one of his fight moves when he's fighting Master P's goons), Bullet Tooth Tony in Snatch, Mad Maynard in Eurotrip, Juggernaut in X-Men: The Last Stand. The man is a bad ass.

7. Steve Carlson, Jeff Carlson, Dave Hanson, Slapshot: The Hanson Brothers. I didn't know these three guys were really hockey players; I was excited when I found that out, as I could now include them in this list. The Hanson Brothers might be the funniest brother combination in the history of movies. Ever. If you haven't seen Slapshot, go see it, and just for them. The rest of the movie sucks. THEY are the movie.

8. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Airplane: Also earns points for being an impressive part of Game of Death. I actually think Airplane is a little overrated--it's funny, but it's not one of the greatest comedies ever, which many people think it is. However, it is a really funny movie, and Kareem did have one of the best parts in the flick.

9. O.J. Simpson, The Naked Gun Series: Is it creepy to say anything positive about O.J. now? Yes. But the fact remains that he was hilarious as Nordberg. There. I said it. Now let's move on.

10. Alex Karras, Blazing Saddles: I have a confession to make here: I've never seen this movie. I know, I know. I need to. I want to. Just have never gotten around to it. Most lists I saw had Karras ranked much higher; since I haven't seen the movie, I have to put him at ten. Once I see the movie, I'm guessing he might go higher. I will say this: any man who punches out a horse gets a thumbs up in my book.

Sorry!!!

I'm sorry guys. I just disappeared on everyone the last couple of weeks, and I apologize. A lot has been going on, I've made some trips, and things have been hectic.

Got something in email today that I wanted to drop you--this is too fantastic to pass up. It's a look at Zidrane's head butt in the World Cup from several different points of view. Make sure you go to the second page. It's just too good to pass up.

Speaking of that...how crazy is that? The best player in the tournament totally losing it at the most important junction of the game? And yes, it worked out that even if they'd had him, it wouldn't have mattered, but he didn't know that when he lost it. How do you give a guy the MVP when he removes himself from the game when his team needs him most? Sorry soccer fans, it doesn't work that way. Entertaining as Hell, sure. MVP worthy, no.

So enjoy, and I'll be back with a full post soon.

Thoughts on the NBA Offseason so far...

I'm not going to discuss any of the draft dealings here, as I did that in my draft review. Anything else is fair game.

* Bulls sign Ben Wallace: I find myself flip flopping on this every day. Yes, Ben Wallace is an All Star. Yes, he is a great player. But a one-dimensional player is the big free agent that Chicago has been waiting on for years? I just think I would have waited til next year and made a run at someone with a more complete game. That being said, let's look at Chicago's lineup:

Starters: Hinrich, Gordon, Nocioni, Brown, Wallace
Bench: Deng, Thomas, Duhon, Harrington/Sweetney, Smith

If Thomas comes along and is a starter by the end of the season, that's definitely a top 3 team in the East.

* Bulls trade Tyson Chandler to the Hornets for P.J. Brown and J.R. Smith: Not a bad trade for either team. Brown is a good, savvy veteran, but he is not the kind of guy who was going to get the Hornets over the hump and into the playoffs in the West. The J.R. Smith experiment was done in OKC; maybe a change of scenery will help him, but there is now a 95% chance that he will be a bust. Chandler is not a bad player, and with the Hornets other offseason moves, he fits in nicely with this team. If the change of scenery will help him improve just a little--if he'll average 10 pts a game, up his blocks to 2 a game, and up his steals to 1 a game, and none of that is asking too much--then this is a good deal for Charlotte.

The only negative is Chandler's contract, but hey, you've got to spend money for even a decent big man in the NBA.

* Hornets sign Peja Stojakovic and Bobby Jackson: I'm cautiously optimistic about these signing. The Jackson signing I'm fine with; he replaces Speedy Claxton, and I'd rather have Jackson than Claxton. He can also slide over to the 2, which was a huge hole for the Hornets last season. So nice deal. Peja for 5 years at $64 mil though? You know how I feel about Peja. Let's just say I think he has the testicular fortitude of the Cowardly Lion. He's had some decent seasons, but he's 32 and has had injury problems the last couple of years. I guarantee you he won't play 5 years for the Hornets; If they get 3 good years out of him, this will be a success. I like their lineup on paper:

Starters: Paul, Mason, Peja, West, Chandler
Bench: Bobby Jackson, Mark Jackson, Simmons, Armstrong, Snyder

There are just a lot of questions amongst those names. It also doesn't help that they are playing in by far the toughest division in basketball.

* Bucks trade T.J. Ford to Raptors for Charlie Villanueva: Now this trade isn't as bad as some people make it out to be. Once Vil signs his rookie extension at the end of next season, he is DONE. Finished. He'll just quit. The only reason he played as well as he did last season is because everybody was so incensed that the Raptors picked him at 7, and it offended him. So he's going to put up 2 years worth of effort to "prove everyone wrong", but once he gets that big long term deal, then he'll be back to old Charlie. So he's not a guy you want on your team long term.

That being said, he still has one year of good production left in him. And he is coming off of a year where he was runner up in ROY voting. So T.J. Ford is the best you can get? I'm sorry, but I'm sure you could have fleeced someone out of something more than T.J. Ford. Hell, at least get a draft pick or two along with it.

* Mavs trade Marquis Daniels to Pacers for Austin Croshere: Pretty much the same as the TJ Ford/Charlie V trade. Yes, we knew you were going to trade Daniels. Yes, losing him wasn't going to kill the team in the long run. But all you could get was Croshere? Come on. What is the Mavs obsession with having a white guy who can shoot 3's coming off the bench? We didn't need Van Horn, and we don't need Croshere. I can't believe we couldn't have gotten something better for Daniels, who I still think will be a decent player in this league.

Yes, Croshere's contract is much better than Daniel's. But the Mavs are looking to win a title NOW. You don't trade for contracts down the road when you want to win a title next year. You trade for that player who will put you over the hump next year.

Oh well. Croshere is a step up from Van Horn...

* Nuggets resign Nene for 6 year, $60 mil: His best season he averaged 11.8 points, 6.5 rebounds, and not even a block a game. He tore his ACL last year. And you sign him for 6 years? Hey, this could be a great move. And it could be a franchise killing move.

* Clippers resign Sam Cassell, sign Tim Thomas: That scream and thud you heard was me screaming in pain and banging my head against the wall. The Clips got Sam Cassell for only $6.5 million per year? Really? REALLY? FUCK!!!

God I wanted him to come to the Mavs. I know we could only offer him the midlevel exception, but if that is the case, pay him under the table. Give him a briefcase full of $2 mil. Please. Do something. FUCK!

Great job by the Clippers. They kept their team leader, and at a fantastic price. And while I am not a Tim Thomas fan at all, and even taking into consideration that now that he is not in a contract year and will go back to playing half ass ball, I'd still rather have him for $24 million than Vlad Rodmanovic for $31. So a great offseason for the Clippers. They are a true title contender.

Jazz acquire Derek Fisher from Warriors for nothing: The Jazz are having a fantastic offseason. Now I know I say every year that I think the Jazz will do great this year, but I really think this might be the first year the Jazz live up to their potential. Here's why:

! Derek Fisher is EXACTLY what the Jazz need: a veteran championship point guard who can teach Deron Williams how to play in the league, while at the same time still has enough left in his tank to give them some valuable minutes.
! Resigning Matt Harpring was also excellent. As good of a shooter as he is, he's well worth $6 mil.
! As I said before, I loved the Jazz's draft. They needed more athleticism in the backcourt, and they got it.

If they do trade Boozer--which is good because I think it is his bad karma that has caused the Jazz so many problems the last two years (don't discount karma people; it exists)--for a more athletic, scoring 4, then that would be perfect. The Jazz are on the cusp of being a major player in the West.

Blazers resign Joel Przybilla for $32 mil over 5 years: Be honest. It gets funnier every time you say it, doesn't it? Yeah it does. I'll say this: at least this will keep the Blazers from trying to play LaMarcus Aldridge at center, which has to be one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.

Hawks sign Speedy Claxton: On most teams, if Speedy Claxton is your starting point guard, then I would say you have a serious problem. However, on the Hawks, he's such a dramatic improvement over anyone they've had in years, you've got to feel good about this signing. Are things still bad? Of course. But at least they have one legit point on the team, so they are moving in the right direction--slowly.

And, finally, the Pistons signed Nazr Mohammed to replace Ben Wallace: And after that, Joe Dumars and all Pistons fans then went to bed and cried themselves to sleep.

Coupla things

* I'm driving down the street the other, and I see this written in the back of a filthy windshield: "I wish my wife was this dirty."

Priceless.

* Here's a Man Law question for you (those commercials are greatness, btw): Can you hook up with a friend's ex-girlfriend after he gets married? If so, is there a waiting period after the wedding? Just curious.

* Speaking of alcohol commercials, I like those new Tanqueray commercials with Tony Sinclair. You know, the crazy looking black guy with the British accent. He cracks me up. Good ads!

*

"I'm so in love it's ridiculous," Spade told a "friend," according to Life & Style weekly. "Never in my life did I think I'd be with someone so gorgeous and successful. She knows I'm going to ask. It's all about timing."

Am I the only one creeped out by the thought of David Spade in love? To me, isn't he the grungy looking, depressed comic who will never be as popular as he used to be, and is now just like the fading ex-stars he makes fun of? So how is this guy extatically happy and in love and about to marry one of the most beautiful women ever? And this is dark, but true: has anyone seen David Spade logenuinelynly happy since Chris Farley died? Even when he smiles, it's a depressing smile. This whole thing creeps me out. Good for him if it's true, but it bothers me for some reason.

* First, check this out.

Sam's response: "Let me guess: overweight, likes anime, can't hold a conversation, wears Lord of the Rings or Star Wars t shirts a lot? I bet that covers 19 out of the 20."

My response: "You left out Cheetos. Their fingers are permanently stained with Cheetos."

* Here's something I've never understood: men who embarrassedased to buy tampons for their girlfriends. Why? What's the big deal here? How is this embarrassing? Obviously they're not for me, so I'm not going to be embarrassed because I use them. If I'm buying them, there's a 95% chance they're for my girlfriend, which last time I checked was a good thing. So why? What's the big deal?

* Unfortunately, ladies, it appears that corporate America wants to keep you as uncomfortable as possible. My favorite part of the article? How doctors say flip flops are bad for your body. Oh yeah. Right. Like high heels are GREAT for you.

Sorry my female coworkers. I'm cool with you wearing flip flops.

* Here's an idea for video game manufacturers everywhere: video games for babies.

Listen to me. You know all the stuff for little little kids that teaches them colors, and blocks, and eventually the alphabet? Why can't you make video games for that? Some of them can come with a special controller! Not only are you hooking the kids while they're young, but it gives the adults an excuse to go spend a ridiculous amount of money on the 360 or PS3. "Honey, it's not just for me! It's an educational toy! Baby Joe needs it! You want him to be smart when he grows up, don't you? Well we need to start educating him now!"

* And, finally, it's Peanut Butter Jelly time.