The Precise Location of Villainy

Now you know I don't like to rag on any religions here.

...

Ha ha...

HAHAHAHA...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

{wipes tears from eyes} Okay...whew...that was a good one. But seriously: I'm not going to knock anyone's religion today. And I want to make sure I point that out before I start, and I'll touch on why at the end, when I say why Scientology isn't a religion.

So South Park (I'm not going to italicize it over and over) did an episode in November mocking Scientology, who joined a long line of...well...everything that Trey Parker and Matt Stone has mocked on their biting and hilarious show.

As you know, Isaac Hayes is the voice of Chef, perhaps the most beloved character on South Park. As you may or may not know, Hayes is a Scientologist.

In early March, Isaac Hayes released a carefully worded statement, asking out of his contract and saying he could no longer do the voice of Chef, as the show's "religious intolerance" was too much for him to associate with.

Parker & Stone released a statement saying that they found it ironic that Hayes never had a problem when the show mocked (repeatedly) religions other than Scientology, which they have done for years. However, they said if Hayes wanted out, they would let him go.

The Scientology episode was set to be replayed in mid-March on Comedy Central, which is owned by Viacom. However, it was pulled at the last minute--apparently by the nefarious TOM CRUISE (I'm going to start capitalizing his name like the intros to Star Wars always did with THE EMPIRE, THE EMPEROR, and DARTH VADER), who threatened not to promote Mission Impossible 3. MI3 is being released by Paramount, which is also owned by Viacom.

Parker & Stone responded with a scathing release, which I will simply quote here:
"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."

Who is this "Xenu" they refer to, you ask? Why allow me to enlighten you. Xenu is an evil alien who brought humans to earth a billion years ago, forced them to watch 36 hours of TV to brainwash them, and then left them on Earth to live out our current history. The goal of Sceintology is apparently to release our minds from Xenu's brainwashing, which is really fricking hard to do, but only required 36 hours of TV.

I'm not even kidding. I looked it up. Read all about it. This is Scientology. Apparently, the reality we live in as actually just an episode of Stargate: SG-1.

You know what? I'm just going to move on from here.

About the same time the episode gets pulled, details about Isaac Hayes come out. First, he had a stroke on January 17, and has been working to recover from that since then. Friends and family say the last thing that he has been worried about is how South Park is portraying religions: he's busy trying to walk and talk again. Second, Hayes has not only enjoyed working with, but been grateful to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Even though Hayes is famous for his music, he doesn't own the royalties to any of his famous songs. In other words, when Parker & Stone approached him, he was flat broke. They literally saved him financially with Chef, and he has never forgotten that. Third, Hayes in early January, just before his stroke, had this to say about the Scientology episode:

Interviewer: "They did just do an episode that made fun of your religion, Scientology. Did that bother you?"
Hayes: "Well, I talked to Matt [Stone] and Trey [Parker] about that. They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, 'Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that [expletive], you know?' But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses and understand what we do. [Laughs.]"

Oh yeah. He sounds livid.

This culminated in this season's premier of South Park, where the Super Adventure Club brainwashes Chef to molest little boys, and eventually he gets killed. At his funeral, Kyle encourages everyone not to hate Chef, but hate the people who brainwashed him. It was a HILARIOUS episode.

So it's pretty fucking obvious what happened here. Isaac Hayes had a stroke, and the Sceintolgists that are required to be around him at all times--you know, to help rid him of the brainwashing Xenu gave him--took advantage of this sick man and quit the show for him.

First, I must give credit to Trey Parker & Matt Stone, who--not to sound like a hick here--are two great Americans. In this day of Political Correctness, these are two men who poke fun at everything, stand up and say what they think is wrong, and back down from no one. How great is that? How refreshing is that?

Do they cross the line sometimes? Of course. Does anyone in the world agree with them all the time? Of course not. But these are two guys who say what they mean, are consistent with what they believe, and make no apologies for it. Thank God for upright and honest voices in the visual media today.

Next, I must say to Scientology: FUCK YOU. That's right. I cannot stand anyone who takes advantage of the sick and the aged, and that is obviously what Scientology has done here. You want to brainwash dumb, easily influenced Hollywood actors? Fine. More power to you. But when you start taking advantage of the disadvantaged, then the gloves come off.

You're not a religion. You're a cult, or an evil, Satanic group. A religion is a group that worships a deity for good, not for evil, and your work is all about evil: advancing your own aims, exerting your own influence, and hurting those who don't think inside you're little box. You're the Totalitarians that everyone is afraid of. Fuck off and die.

So congratulations Sceintology. You got an old man with a stroke off a TV show you didn't like. Fortunately, you did it to the two people in the world today who are willing to call a spade a spade, and have the influence to let the evil you do be known. So go fuck yourselves Sceintology.

And as for you Isaac Hayes...I hope you recover, both from your stroke, and from your brainwashing. Not Xenu's brainwashing (seriously? Xenu? They're not even trying with a name like that), but from L. Ron Hubbard's brainwashing.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Normally I don't like to do two posts in one day, but a Southpark post is coming this afternoon for sure, and I HAD to warn my friends of this. This is unbelievable.

While I am vehemently opposed to drinking and driving, I don't support this, at all.

Okay, I guess we're just going to go ahead and start up Prohibition again. Glad we found a way to avoid the Constitutions this time!

Sex Ed

The state of Kansas just passed a law that says all parents must sign a letter before students can be taught sex ed. After reading that, I thought, "Man...how have we not touched on this subject yet?"

Well it's time to fix that oversight.

As I see it, there are two main groups in this debate:

The Hoez: "Kids need to know something about sex, we need Sex Ed in schools."

The Three Monkeys: You know: Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil. I could also call this group The Ostritches because they stick their heads in the sand when frightened. "Sex is bad, and kids should know nothing about it until they are married, and even then they pretty much have to figure it out by themselves."

Of course, there's a lot of sub groups in there: those who drag abortion into the issue, contraception, abstinence, etc. For simplicity's sake, I'm going to leave all of those issues alone and just focus on teaching the basics of sex ed in schools.

While both of my group names are insulting, I mean that to be humorous, not to really insult either of you. As is always the case in any debate, neither is extreme is right: The Truth--as always--lies somewhere in the middle. I totally understand and agree with the people who believe that the government shouldn't have to teach about sex. That's a parent's job. Any good parents should sit their kids down, let them know exactly what is going on with their bodies, what sex is, and what are the consequences of having sex. In a Perfect World, that's what would happen: all parents would be responsible, fully educate and teach their kids to be knowledgeable and responsible about their bodies, and encourage their children to follow their individual values about when, where, and how to have sex. Well, maybe not how: that's kind of gross. But whatever works for you.

However, I don't think it's shocking news to people that we don't live in a Perfect World. We live in the real world, and in the real world, there are far too many people who aren't responsible. There are far too many people who don't educate their kids, or educate their kids in a way that even all the religions will agree is wrong (ie the Welfare Queen, "Have as many kids as you can, the government will pay for it!").

When I went to college in Oklahoma, I was astounded at the number of women I met whose parents had told them nothing about sex ed. I met a scary number of women who were totally unprepared for their first period! Mom never sat down and explained to them that this was coming! These were intellignent, outgoing women from different social, racial, and economic backgrounds: it wasn't one particular group. It was scary the ignorance that so many of these girls had faced, and in some cases were continuing to face.

I've always believed that it is better to be well informed on a topic than not. I don't buy into the argument that educating kids about sex encourages them to have sex. That's nonsense. Sex is hard wired into every single animal; it's one of our basest instincts--to reproduce. It's what puberty is. So once kids hit puberty, they are going to be biologically driven to reproduce. It's up to us as a society--parents hopefully, or the culture you exist in if your parents are not up to the task--to teach kids what is going on in their bodies, and how to deal with those urges.

Sex ed is a necessary part of any society, and it is needed more than most people think. Most people probably think that the state with the largest percentage of teen pregnancies is a state with a city that has a large urban population--Illinois, New York, California, Texas. You would be wrong. The teen preganacy capital of the US is Oklahoma. Enid won the teen pregnancy city title several times in the 90s. Why did this happen here? Ignorance is probably the largest reason. It's the Bible belt, and too many parents didn't talk to their kids about sex. So little Sue and Johnny went off and had sex because that's what they're driven biologically to do. Great job guys. Ignorance worked there. Maybe if they'd at least known what a condom was and how to use it, things would have turned out differently.

So I don't have a problem with schools teaching sex ed. I think it should be the basics, and not delve into the controversial topics that don't really apply--abortion, etc. I think they should preach abstinence but let kids know what a condom is and how to use it. And most of all, I think the kids should be bored to tears in the class, BECAUSE MOM AND DAD SHOULD HAVE COVERED THIS ALREADY.

My parents taught my brothers and I about sex. They preached abstinence, but taught us about condoms as well. And you know what? I didn't have sex in high school. I don't have any kids. And I'm disease free. I went through sex ed in school. It didn't traumatize me, and it didn't encourage me to have sex.

Knowledge is power people. In our media driven culture that is obsessed with sex, there's no way to hide your kids from the topic. So for God's sake, please let them be well informed. And please let the schools teach about, both in case you missed something, and for those who don't have parents who are as responsible as you.

Good luck kids.

I couldn't resist...so here are my thoughts on the NCAA Tournament

* First things first: here's a link to last year's post about how to pick an NCAA tournament. I'm giving you this for two reasons: 1) It's still a very accurate and good guide to picking a bracket, and 2) it's the only Post that comes up when you drop my name in google. I don't know why; it only got 4 comments.

* HOW IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY IS ORAL ROBERTS IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT. How? My world has literally been turned upside down. This Crazy Christian--and oh do I mean CRAZY--school is one of the 64 best basketball teams in D1? I didn't even know they were D1! How? How does this happen? For God's sake, Seth Davis of cnnsi.com says they have the best chance of any 16 seed ever to actually win a game! And you know what's scary? I AGREE WITH HIM. They're not going to win it...but if any 16 seed ever does, they have the best chance.

If that happens, I just might have to throw myself into oncoming traffic.

* On top of that, I'm also having trouble coming to grips with A&M being in the tourney. A&M is one of my most vivid memories in college: I'll never forget my freshman year (97-98), when A&M strolled into town. I watched them play and thought, "Wow...my high school team would beat these guys by 20. Guaranteed." Not "be able to play with them"...not "could beat them"...I mean, we would have run their sorry asses off the court. So A&M in the NCAA tournament blows my mind.

I'm not saying they don't belong. They absolutely do. In fact, they're one of my upsets: I have no doubt in my mind that they will beat Syracuse. The Orangemen used up all their magic in the Big East Tournament, and have a history of falling short since Melo left. So good for A&M...I'm just shocked to see them here.

* When picking your teams, don't let the fact that a team is "young" worry you. With the talent pool so diluted in college basketball, it's so much easier for a young team to go further than they used to. Look at Carolina.

* And if you doubt that the talent pool is incredibly diluted in the NCAA, I point this out to you: 4 of the top ten players in college basketball this year (Morrison, Redick, Pittsnoogle, Mcnamara) are white.

That's not a good thing.

* Is it just me, or are there more random teams (your Murray State's and George Mason's) than ever this year? Further proof of the dilution: any team has a shot.

* Let's calm down about the Big East people. Yes, it was the toughest conference in basketball this year. But if they are all that good, then how in the Hell did a team that lost 9 of it's last 13 regular season games win the conference tournament? How? Yeah. That's what I thought.

* Early upsets: The aforementioned Syracuse; I don't know how Indiana is in the tournament, let alone a six seed: there's no way they make it out of Round 1; UAB will beat Kentucky; I wouldn't guarantee it, but I'm waiting for Georgetown to lose to Northern Iowa; and maybe it's just the good 'ole Poke in me, but I'm not picking OU in the first round, either. That team has just never impressed me.

* My Final Four: Duke comes out of Atlanta; I like UCLA out of Oakland--they're a really good team that has flown under the radar a little bit; I REALLY want to pick Michigan State out of D.C....but I just can't do it. It's going to be UCONN; and I think Boston College's big men bring them out Minneapolis.

* Duke v. UConn, with Duke pulling it off. Man I hate Duke, but I've just got a feeling that this is their year. Doesn't Redick even look a little bit like Bobby Hurley? Hopefully Redick will buckle his seat belt.

There you have it. Good luck everyone, and remember: have fun!

Coupla Things...

* You know what look I'm going to pull when I turn 40?

The Panama Jack hat.

That's right. Everywhere I go, I'm pimpin the Panama Jack hat. That's one of the great things about growing old: you can go with whatever crazy look you want, and get away with it cause you've old, and you don't give a fuck anymore. So I'm going with the Panama Jack hat, and the sunglasses whenever possibly. When I turn 50, I might even go all the way and add the monocle.

Either that or a cape.

* If you ask me what the worst thing my generation does, it's handle our credit. We fin suck at that. So here's a somewhat radical public service announcement that the younger generations of America need to hear.

* I think most people have seen They Live, one of John Carpenter's first films about aliens trying to take over the world. Rowdy Roddy Piper fines a pair of sunglasses that allows him to see the aliens, and proceeds to go on a dramatic killing spree. Anyway, he fights Keith David in that movie, and that has to be the most violent fight in the history of Hollywood. I've heard that Keith David wanted to see if he could beat Rowdy (and Keith David was HUGE back then), and the two of them just went at it. It hurts just to watch them fight.

Good flick, it's worth watching if you haven't seen it.

* Perhaps I'm overestimating how quickly you'd like to know when blog updates happen, but my dear friend Carly shared this download with me the other day. It generates an email whenever I update the blog to let you know something new has posted, and I'm betting you can use it for all sorts of sites--Penny Arcade maybe? Just something if you're interested, she likes it.

* If you're going to smoke a pipe...smoke a corncob pipe. Nothing else is worth your time.

* You know what is the response I hate hearing most in my office? "It wouldn't hurt." Such a chicken shit comment. It drives me absolutely crazy. You ask someone in your office if you should do something, and they respond with "It wouldn't hurt." Well, actually, it would hurt. You see, my time is valuable, and I'm a busy man with many things to do. So I need to prioritize, and I'm asking you if I need to do this task, because if I must do it, I can't do others. And obviously the fact that I'm asking you if I need to do this means that I think it doesn't really need to be done; otherwise I'd do it. So giving me a mediocre, half-assed answer doesn't help me. I realize that with enough resources and time, nothing "would hurt" to do. But I need a definitive answer--a yes or no--on whether or not to do this. I don't need a ride the fencepost, bullshit, condescending answer that doesn't help me get my job done.

* Some people have been asking me what I think about Vince Young, who has been getting lambasted in the media recently. Here's what I think: Vince Young isn't as bad as the media has been making him out to be lately (I think they're just trying to drum up some controversy before the draft), but I don't think he's the saint that UT fans think he is, either.

* This is the greatest idea in the history of ideas. I'm not even joking. And if you don't think I'm going to try to attend this next year, well, you don't know me.

And for those of you in Dallas, Ben and I are going to put together a beer (or other liquor) tournament together. Let me know if you're interested.

* So Nick Lachey is filling for alimony from Jessica Simpson. Wow. Now I'm torn on this. You see, Nick Lachey has nothing. Nothing. He's done professionally, and will never be able to make a lot of money again. So on that hand, I applaud his willingness to look in the mirror, realize who he is and what his future holds, and get in while the getting is good. On the other hand, as a man, I want to drive to Hollywood, find him, and follow him around for a day just to make fun of him. I mean, a man does not file for alimony on his fucking wife. You just don't. Grow some balls.

So I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I do know what I'll do now, though: laugh, shake my head, and walk away appreciating my simple life.

* Finally, I have a somewhat sad note:

I'm retiring from the NCAA tournament.

Oh sure I'd like to fill out brackets in your online tournaments for all my friends who are doing that. I still enjoy the camaraderie and trying to guess the picks.

But now I'm just guessing. In the past I've considered myself at the very least "knowledgeable" if not an "expert" on college basketball. But no longer. With as good as the NBA has been and as bad as the talent in college basketball has been, I haven't watched this season at all. My watching of college hoops has been declining the last three years, and I think it would be a disservice both of PJ's Place and to my friends personally if I pretended to know what I was talking about.

My advice on how to pick your brackets is still good. I still know the game of basketball, and the yearly ebb and flow of the NCAA tourney does not change that much. But I can't tell you why Duke is a better 1 seed that UCONN (or vice versa), because I don't know the teams anymore.

Sorry. I feel a little sad, but not a lot sad. You know why?

Because the NBA...it's FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel Good Stories From The Wide World of Sports

So those of you that know me--or read this blog regularly--know that I'm not really the sentimental type. I rarely get mushy, never get moved to tears, and don't enjoy "feel good" stories on the news. I'm not sure why: I'm a happy person, I enjoy life, I'm one of the good guys, and I believe we need to encourage good behavior by focusing on good things. Maybe because I'm happy and enjoy my life I don't feel like I need to see it.

But two incredibly good feel good stories have happened, in what has sadly become the last place you would expect it--the sports world.

First was the story of Jason McElwain. Jason is an autistic high school senior who has been the manager of his high school's basketball team for four years. Loves the game. Loves being a part of it anyway he can. Well, on the last home game of the season, his coach put him in the fourth quarter. Very nice, you think. Good feel good moment. So how did it turn out?

The kid just dropped six three pointers--and one two with his toe on the line.

I'm sure most you have seen the video. If not, you can catch it here.

How unbelievable is that? There's no way you can watch that sitting down. That kid was fricking AMAZING. Not only did he go out and have a great game from a basketball standpoint--Hell, the other team was guarding him! They were trying to stop him!--but the charisma he had, the joy that you could see, and the joy you could feel in the entire gym...wow. Simply incredible. At the end of the video, when the fans stormed the court, for the first time in my entire life I wanted to storm the court. I didn't even care which one--I thought about running over to Ranchview or the rec and storming the court there (that would have gone over well at the rec). You could feel the energy, the camaraderie, the moment--it was breathtaking.

And then last week the Southern Illinois Salukis (those of you who read here this time last year will remember that the Salukis are one of my favorite names in college basketball) were playing Butler, when one of their cheerleaders fell off the top of the pyramid. It was a horrible fall--the first time I saw it happen, I would not have been surprised at all if the next thing the announcer told me was that she was dead from a broken neck. So the paramedics came out, put her on an immobilizer, put a neck brace on her, and got her on a stretcher. The gym is deathly quiet. No one knows how seriously this girl is hurt.

So as they start to wheel her away, she gives the crowd the thumbs up. Well, people start cheering, but all sports fans know that just because the athlete gives the thumbs up doesn't mean that they're okay. We've all seen plenty of athletes do that and then leave to never walk again. So everyone is still nervous, and as Kristi said, "distracted".

So as the band starts playing the school's fight song, Kristi starts fucking cheering. That's right. She's doing the whole arm movement thing (it's the only part of her body she can move) as she leaves the stadium. Of course, the crowd explodes, and of course, the Saluki's win the game.

Now we've all made fun of cheerleaders. We've all laughed at cheerleaders. And as an athlete, I will question the affect cheerleaders have on a game, especially in this day and age. I just think we're so used to seeing cute young girls and the pyramid that they don't really make much of a difference to the outcome of a game anymore.

Well, this girl influenced the outcome of the game. She could very easily be the springboard to a fantastic postseason for the Saluki's. I mean, that's fricking commitment right there people: that's truly caring about your team. What a little bad ass.

It's kind of sad in a way: we're not used to stories like these anymore. We're much more used to Barry Bond's being caught using steroids, or TO being a waste of air, or any NBA player being caught smoking weed, or whatever. Even when good things do happen on sports, quite often they seem--and sometimes are--contrived, dreamed up by some PR guy to get you to feel good about the team, or be distracted from bad things going on.

But these two stories? This is it man. This is the shit. These are stories you can tell your kids about someday about why you should play sports, and why it's good to be a human being.

So enjoy. It's not often I get sentimental, but these two stories are well worth it.