Coupla Things...

* I don't know if any of you read thos "Sexploration" articles on MSNBC, but if you don't, you should. It's one of those "email your questions to some doctor/expert" kind of things, and the comedy generated therein is off the charts. It's amazing the things people will A) come up with, and B) ask.

* Mrs. Baird's has an answer to the Twinkie. Their name for it? Cream Filled Partners. I'm hereby nominating that for the "Worst Name For A Product" award.

* So can we admit that the HOV lane is a failure now? I'd say it's been open in Dallas for about 10 years now, and it has not increased car pooling at all. I'm not against the "zipper" lanes--the single lanes that go one way in the morning and another way in the afternoon, depending on where traffic is heaviest. That's not a bad idea. But designated HOV lanes on both sides of the highway? That's stupid. That's just a waste of a lane there. Time to get rid of that and put all the DART cops to real work.

* Two things I've thought in regards to the Northwestern women's soccer team scandal (they were recently busted for hazing). First, congratulations are now in order to women's athletics. You are truly equal with men now: you also participate in dumb activities that involve sex and drinking. Second, why does America always act shocked when it is discovered that underage drinking occurs at college? Really? We're surprised by this? Anyone who is surprised/scandalized by this, I have one thing to say to you: pull your head out of your ass. And this is from a kid who didn't drink til he was almost 23. Look, college kids drink. All of them--not just the ones who can do so legally. At every college in the country. I don't care how smart or holy Timmy and Suzy are, when they are at school they are almost assuredly drinking alcohol. So whenever some college scandal goes down, don't act shocked when underage drinking was a contributing factor. It happens.

* X Men 3 fucking sucked.

* Here's a good conversation starter when you're trying to learn more about a person: how did they feel about the movie Clueless when she falls in love with her stepbrother? I swear this is a good judge of people (another good call: how they feel about Double Stuff Oreos). And for the record...it was gross, weird, and just not right. I know it's not totally wrong...but it still wasn't right.

* More thoughts on women's soccer players: they are possibly the craziest athletes ever. Seriously. Don't get me wrong: some of my best friends are women's soccer players, they are good people and a lot of fun to hang around with. But they are certifiably insane, especially in groups. You roll with female soccer players, you're in for a wild night.

* DMX might be the best rapper turned actor ever. Yes, I know that's not saying much. But at least 2Pac was a decent actor, and I think DMX might be slightly better than he is.

* I've heard that Lebron is planning on signing a 5 year/$75 mil extension with the Cavs. If that's true, then that is the most important thing that has happened to the city of Cleveland since...well, ever. And not the Cavs...the city of Cleveland. Congrats, Cleveland!

* Thoughts on Mavs/Suns: this series is going exactly like I thought it would. I predicted the Mavs would lose one of the first two at home. I predicted they would win one of the games in Phoenix. I think the Mavs lose tonight, and then win the next two, winning in 6...Dirk is playing just amazing right now, he's become the player I've always wanted him to be...Josh Howard is the key to every Mavs game from now to the end of the year. He's not their MVP, or even the second best player, but he is the X factor...God bless you Desagana Diop...Find a way to sign Avery Johnson for an additional 5 years. No matter what it costs.

* Thoughts on the Pistons/Heat: I don't know what the Hell happened to the Pistons. Seriously. Lebron just KILLED them. They have no confidence, they look like they're running on fumes, they can't score to save their lives, and they're now taking shots at each other instead of showing that never say die commaraderie they used to have. It's like a wolf who gets cut and begins feeding on it's own entrails: they are literally killing themselves...I can't believe this shitty Heat team is going to the NBA playoffs. Yes, DWade is incredible. No, Shaq is not completely done. But still: this team sucks, just like the rest of the East...

* If you haven't watched this NBA Playoffs, then shame on you. You are missing out, it has been FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!!!!!

The Torch is Taken

Now that it's over, I'm glad that it ended this way.

Now that it's over, I'm glad that everything that happened, happened the way it did.

Now that it's over, I feel at peace.

But getting here almost killed me.

***

I refused to write about the Spurs-Mavs series until it was over, for a variety of reasons. It was too close to home. The teams were so good no one could really say they knew what was going to happen. I didn't want to jinx the Mavs. Basically, it was important enough to me that I couldn't talk about it until I knew how it was going to end. And I don't know if I've ever felt that way about a professional sporting event before.

We just witnessed possibly the greatest NBA playoff series ever. Two all-time elite teams playing at the absolute apex of their games, battling it out for more than a 7 game series. Two teams with little love for each other competing not only to be the best in the West, but to be the best in their own state. One team with a storied recent past, looking to solidify their claim of being one of the NBA's greatest dynasties. One team with a sordid past, looking to finally move into the league's elite which they believed they've belonged in for some time.

When the series began, I thought the Spurs would pass The Torch to the Mavs. The Spurs have had great success, but are getting old and worn down, and it showed this regular season: Tim Duncan had his worst season ever while being plagued by foot problems, Manu faced injury issues all season, and the Spurs bench looked older than ever. I was disappointed that this Mavs team could not prove that they were better than the Spurs in their prime.

I could not have been more mistaken.

Any issues Duncan had this season were gone from the first tip. This was perhaps his finest performance. Manu was on top of his game and showed no signs of any injury woes. In spite of media reports to the contrary, Tony Parker was zipping around on two good legs. Even the Spurs bench showed some punch--Michael Finley played better than he had his last four years in Dallas, and Brent Barry had a solid overall series. From the tip, it was apparently that The Torch would not be passed--if it was to be had, it must be taken.

Another fact in hindsight about this series was that the Spurs, as a team, have changed--and not for the better. What was once the classiest, most respected team in the league no longer exists. Tim Duncan whines and complains like a petulant child any time a foul is not called for him, in spite of the fact that he is protected by the referees on the same level that Jordan and Kobe enjoy(ed). It's literally embarrassing to watch as he cries like a little girl anytime he misses a shot. Manu remains one of the fakest players in the league. He is the guy you want to tell during a pick up game to stop faking for calls and just play the game of basketball. Bruce Bowen remains the dirtiest player in the league to such an extent that well respected stars like Ray Allen won't speak to him.

And then there is Michael Finley, one of my favorite Mavericks of all time. I honestly don't know what to do with him. After his performance in this series, I almost don't want the Mavs to retire his number, which was a "when not if" event before this series. For years we in Dallas begged Finley to attack the basket more, and stop falling in love with his jumper. For years he hurt his team by standing 18 feet and beyond and just launching jump shot after jump shot. Now, after going to San Antonio--which he could only afford to do because the Mavs were still paying him his full salary--he plays brilliantly in this series against the Mavs, exactly as the Mavs had asked him to do for years. Attacking the rim, using his penetration and other players to get himself wide open jump shots, which he hit with outstanding success. It was frustrating to watch the player we always knew was there come back like Roger Clemens or Vince Carter and use a perceived slight from his former team that supported him for years to play like we always new he was capable of playing.

Then came the Terry incident. Shame on you Spurs. Michael Finley dives on top of Terry's head and shoulder, throwing the whole weight of his body on him, and when Terry hits him with two easy taps to tell him to get off before his collarbone is broken, Finley explodes. Nothing bad happened on that play, plays like that happen on hundreds and thousands of basketball courts every day. But the Spurs were content to cheat to win: they sent the tape to the league office, and turned a molehill into a mountain. It was a despicable, shameful, and cowardly act of a team that knew they were outmanned and were desperate to do anything to win.

It almost worked. But in the end, the Mavs persevered. In the end, against all odds, in the Spurs home court, with Dick Bavetta once again flagrantly calling for the home team, with the San Antonio crowd behind them, and with the Spurs playing to an outstanding level, it didn't matter. The Mav's best player cemented his status as a true superstar, and the better team won the series.

The Mavs are now back in the Western Conference Finals, and probably for the first time in franchise history are the favorites. Their story is not yet complete, and they still have two difficult opponents left to face, but The Torch has been taken, and they can now hold their heads high as they have proven they belong among the NBA's elite.

The Greatest Team Ever

In honor of possibly the greatest NBA playoffs ever (going on right now), I decided to come up with the greatest NBA team ever. Here was the question:

If I had to make a 12 man roster, which players would be on it?

Simple as that. I went to NBA.com and looked over their 50 Greatest Players list. I also looked at another "All time great list" that had about 100 players on it. From this group and my own extensive knowledge of the NBA, I felt I had enough to come up with a pool from which to choose. I came up with the following list:



I also used some subjective measurements. How clutch was the player? If he had a tendancy to pee on himself and kill his team in the playoffs, he was not included (Karl Malone). Did drug problems ruin his career? This is the best of the best; I don't care how good you could have been, I care about how good you are (George Gervin). Were you a liability at one end of the court? If you had great stats but were horrible defensively or offensively, then you were out (John Stockton).

So that led to the above pool that I considered. I came up with a 12 man roster from that, and an "Honorable Mention" of three people in case we had a 15 man roster.

Starting Five
Magic Johnson (PG): The only hole in Magic's game? A high amount of turnovers (almost 4 a game). When you put that next to 11 assists a game, however, doesn't seem like that's too big of a deal. Stats, titles, clutch play, the ability to play multiple positions: Magic had it all.

Michael Jordan (SG): The best player ever.

Larry Bird (SF): You know, you hear about Bird's defensive deficiencies a lot. But is that true, or do people just assume that because he's white? I think it's the latter. He averaged more steals than any other forward or center on the list. He's averaged a decent amount of blocks for his height. He was named to the All-NBA Defensive second team three times. I don't think he's was a great defender...but I think Larry Legend was a Hell of a lot better than anyone gives him credit for.

Tim Duncan (PF): Mr. Fundamental. His free throw shooting isn't great, and quite frankly he's not a great clutch player. However, in spite of those, he is a winner: 3 titles in 7 years with Tim as the team's star. You can't argue with that.

Wilt Chamberlin (C): Somewhat suprisingly, the center position was the hardest to judge. I could honestly accept any name from the list except Kareem here. Was Wilt really as good as his stats suggest...or was he just a man among boys? Ditto Shaq? Does Russell's unparalled ability to win (the man has more rings than fingers) make up for his poor individual statistics? Were does Hakeem--whose 2 year dominance of the NBA was more complete than any player, even Jordan in his prime--rank among the great ones? I went with Wilt and his monster stats. However, this position especially is open to much debate.

Bench (in no particular order)
Oscar Robertson (PG): Mr. Triple Double. That's really all you need to say.
Jerry West (SG): Regarded as having one of the best outside jumpers ever, provides dead eye marksmanship (remember, this is a team, and we have holes to fill). Also gains points for being the logo.
Lebron James (SF/SG): Is this early? Yes. But when all is said and done, when he retires I believe he will be known as the best player ever.
Hakeem Olajuwon (C/PF): Not enough repect is paid to Dream. His dominance from 1993 to 1995 was unparalleled in NBA history. Jordan was the best player ever, yes. Jordan completely dominated the league for years, yes. But Jordan never dominated the league by as wide a margin in a year as Hakeem did those two years. He was literally unbeatable. It was amazing. He completely destroyed Shaq, David Robinson, and Patrick Ewing in winning back to back titles. That's three of the top ten best centers ever--without question. How many players have ever done that? He left no doubt that he was the best in that period. It was beautiful to behold. If this team had a 6th Man, I think he would be it. He's by far the most versatile center; he could easily play PF. Hell, he even shot 20% on threes in his career! Dream was amazing.
Shaq (C): So tough deciding on the third center--Shaq or Russell? I went with Shaq, because in spite of Russell's winning ways, his numbers just weren't that great. Leads to an interesting debate though: Did Russell win as many titles and sacrifice personal stats because his Celtic teams were so good? Could he have won as many titles with less talent but putting up better personal stats? We'll never know. I just heartfully apologize to Russell for leaving him off--this is almost too close to call.
Isiah Thomas (PG): Possibly the most disgusting human being in NBA history? Yeah. He's up there. He and Kobe led me to a huge "should I hold against them the fact that everyone hates them and might refuse to play with them?" debate. I decided that the titles Isiah orchestrated meant that at least some people could play with him, so I'd let him on the team. Talent and career-wise, there's no question he deserves to be here. It's the intangibles that kept him off the Dream Team. I'll put him on this one...begrudgingly.
Kevin Garnett (PF/SF/C/SG): A lot of people will probably have a problem with this one. Well, too bad. What's the problem been with all of the Team USA teams since the Dream Team? Too many stars, not enough Second Bannanas. That's the problem with KG's career: it's misunderstood. He's the Greatest Second Bannana ever. And there's nothing wrong with that--it's a compliment. Here's a guy who can damn near play 5 positions, can pass, can D up almost any position player, and will do anything to win. Oh, and he's also a league MVP and statistically one of the greatest players ever. He's perfect on a team like this--he's the type of player who will come off the bench, do what's needed, and make sure everyone stays focused.

Honorable Mention
Julius Erving: If Dr. J was a better jump shooter, I would have put him on the team over Jerry West. As it he is, he's our first runner up.
Charles Barkely: A victim of the one end of the court rule. Barkely was such a bad defender that he just couldn't quite make the cut. Still one of my favorite players of all time.
Dwayne Wade: Again, maybe too much too soon. But I've got faith in him. I love his desire to win; DWade is one of those players who will NOT be beaten, even during the All Star game. If he improves his jumper a little bit and ends up with the career it appears he's heading towards, he'll proably move onto the 12 man roster.

Advice For The Newly Graduated

To celebrate my baby brother graduating from college, I'm giving some sage advice to the newly graduated, since you are finally becoming real adults.

That's not meant to be insulting; it's simply the truth. And this applies to:
* Undergraduate degrees
* Graduate degrees
* Med School
* Law School

Here's how it works kids: if you haven't worked for 40 hours a week while not being dependent on your parents, you are not a real adult. You see, age does not necessarily mean you are an adult. If you went to college, then straight to your grad degree full time, it doesn't matter that you're 25. You're still just a college student. If you're in med school for 4 years, but are living off of student loans and Mom & Dad's assistance, you're still not there yet. Sorry. No offense: you just can't claim to be an adult if you haven't lived an adults life yet. You're still a college student.

BUT I DIGRESS! This is here to help you. Here's advice for you as you enter the adult world:

* If you're receiving a bonus upon starting your new job, cut it in half. Taxes will take at least 50% of that money.

* When starting your new job, have your 401k contributions set to no less than 10% your first day of work, and 15% by the first week of your fourth month on the job--absolutely no later. Don't get used to living on a certain income and then try to change it--that's almost impossible. And not contributing to 401k is NOT AN OPTION.

* New rule: no drinking on school nights. You have a new focus in life, and partying is not part of that focus.

* Have good insurance--car, renters/homeowners, and medical. Don't skimp on any of those costs, you will need them.

* Get your favorite recipes from your parents, family, or friends. You can't eat out all the time, and if you don't like to cook it will be easier to motivate yourself to do so if you know you like what you're making. Plus you need to be able to cook something to impress members of the opposite sex.

* Most of the posters you hung on your wall in college are no longer acceptable. Neither is the 20 gigs of porn you shared on your dorm/frat network.

* Get into an exercise routine, and stick with it. It doesn't have to be a lot--I'm not saying you have to lift weights for an hour and jog for an hour every single night--but make sure you do something at least every other day.

* Remember: you're not in college anymore. Most of the drama/gossip/high school crap that used to fascinate you in college do not apply anymore, and you should not partake or be a part of.

* That being said, you will quickly realize that most people don't ever grow up past high school, so be prepared to rise above all that crap.

* Call your parents. At least once a week.

* I know you're going to do it anyway, and I did/would do the same thing in your position, but the good advice is still this: don't do long distance.

* Find time to read.

* For the love of God, don't ruin your credit. Our generation handles this HORRIBLY. If you have credit cards you applied for in college, CLOSE them. Not cancel; call and request the companies close them out. If you apply for any cards from, say, an electronics company for free interest on a big screen TV, as soon as you have paid off the item call and close the card. Do not ever pay a credit card bill late--give them at least something, and you should pay off your credit card bill fully at the end of every month. Never apply for a credit card with a variable rate: fixed APR at 10% or less or f it. Do not get into credit card debt.

* Women, have pepper spray (not mace) easily accessible in your house. Also keep some in your purse, and no matter how uncomfortable it is, take it jogging after dark always. It can happen to you.

* Stay at your first job at least one year.

* The first floor sucks. It's loud to live under your neighbors, and no it's not as safe. Knuckle up and live on the top floor.

* Learn at least a little something about wine.

* Look over your bills. If they're wrong, call them and tell them they're wrong, and tell them you're not going to pay it. Remember: once you start making money, everyone wants to take you money. An easy way to take money is to make errors on your bills and hope you just pay it instead of calling the errors in. You are the customer. You are right. Don't settle for them stealing your money.

* Be honest: do you really need a new car right away? Waiting 6 months to get one can make a significant difference.

* Two words: Roth IRA. Go find out what it is...and go start one immediately.

* And finally, most importantly: get your parents a thank you card at graduation. And not one you got for your graduation invitations, a real one, and tell them how great they are, how thankful they are, what a good job they did, and how much you love them.

* Congratulations...and good luck!

Coupla Things...

* How is it possible that Double Stuff Oreos cost the same as regular Oreos? Don't get me wrong: this is the greatest thing in the world. I'm just curious as to how we're getting away with this. God bless whoever brought us the pure, unadulterated greatness of the Double Stuff Oreo for the same price as the regular Oreo.

* Haven't got enough Chuck Norris yet? Want to show the world in a bold yet entertaining way that Chuck Norris is your hero? Well my friends, then this is for you.

* I'm very curious about what is going to happen with the Duke rape case. I honestly have no feel for which way this thing is going to go, and surprisingly neither does the media. I feel like they are vultures circling the prey: they haven't decided for themselves which side is guilty yet, but eventually they will, and when they do, they will quickly move in and demonize whoever they need to.

The problem is both sides are telling a very believable story: An angry stripper is trying to get even for some slight by accusing these kids of rape. Sure, I'll buy that. Some rich, racist, preppie white kids who feel like the world is their oyster took what they wanted from a black girl who they felt like they could do anything with and get away with it. Also a plausible story.

We'll just have to see what happens, but whatever does happen, there is a lesson to be learned here: don't invite a stripper into your home. EVER. Come on man. Going to a strip club is not the social embarrassment it used to be. Just go to the club. You do not want that kind of environment in your home, there's too much of a chance for bad things to happen. Plus it's just gross.

So remember: no sex in the champagne room, and no strippers in your house.

* Here might be the funniest headline I've ever seen, courtesy of msnbc.com:

Survey finds many Brits dial N--for naked
We have no idea why this research was done, but it makes us laugh too

Now that's the news.

* So I got one of those funny radio bits on email the other day: wacky morning radio show prank calls some lady, tells her her husband got fired at work for banging his secretary, and the lady starts talking about how she fucked his brother when they stopped her.

So here's my question: are radio shows legally liable to this kind of thing? How can just calling someone up and lying to them for entertainment be okay? Isn't this the same as yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theatre, which is illegal? Let's say a wife hears that, immediately hangs up the phone, get in her car, drives to work and shoots her husband. Oooh and the secretary! Aren't the DJ's responsible too? Can't you see a Law & Order where Sam gets mad at the asshole DJ and goes after him, too?

David, Mike, or anyone else (congratulations David for graduating from UT Law this Saturday!) with a legal background please feel free to chime in.

* June 23: Dallas, TX: Schmirnoff: Huey Lewis & The News.

* So now Heather Locklear is being passed around like the spit bucket at a wine tasting party--they've even got her dating David Spade now! David fricking Spade. He was D-U-N done 5 years ago. And he's one of the most physically unappealing guys in Hollywood. I mean, if David Spade can get a piece of one of the hottest women ever...well hey Heather...how you doin? Isn't it my turn? I write a blog! I've been on TV!

* So the online porn industry wanted to have all porn sites labeled ".xxx" instead of .com. I would have to say that this is one of the best ideas in the history of the world. I mean seriously. I mean, besides the fact that this is inevitable--come on man, the . call sign is followed by three letters! Three! It just happened to be three????--think about how easy it would be to for people who want to block porn. The parents who want to keep their kids from looking at it, cybercafes, libraries--you just make the .xxx not available. So what did the Internet's key oversight agency do? Nix it.

Morons.

* Finally, I went and saw The Fray at Taste of Addison on Friday. You have to love this. The Fray is quickly becoming one of the most popular bands in America right now, but literally one month ago no one knew who they were. Because of that, they were stuck playing at a concert that is not in a venue--it's just out in a field with a stage set up--that cost $5-8 to get in. Oh, and they were opening for Hootie & the Blowfish. You read that right. The group that is currently number 9 on Billboard's Hot 100 opened for Hootie & The Blowfish. You have to love the music bidness sometimes.

Anyway, the concert was fantastic. What a great band. One of the primary ways I judge a band is by how much they sound like their CD's in person. Well, they sounded EXACTLY like their CD--it was fantastic (and no, they weren't dubbing). Plus it was a cool concert: great weather, no big effects, just two hours of great music. A solid performance from a great band. Isaac Slade (lead singer) gets points for using the piano as a lead instrument, for going with the fohawk, and looking exactly like my friend Ben. I in fact encouraged Ben to go with a fohawk this weekend so the two could look even more alike.

Go buy their album, How To Save A Life. It's the first album I've bought (ahem) in probably 6 months, and it did not disappoint.

* Go Mavs!

New Bob racing pics!

Bob's got some new racing pics out from his last track date, and they are awesome. Check out a couple below, and if you'd like to see more or order some just click here to go to Hart Photography. Thanks to Hart for the great pics, and Bob you are awesome.

For Catholics, in particular

Something that has always bothered me about the Church: it's interference in the sex lives of married couples.

I support the Church's stance on premarital sex (PM, for short). Abstinence is the best answer, and should be strived for. I do wholeheartedly support the use of condoms when one engages in PM--if you're going to do the wrong thing, at least be smart about it and try not to spread diseases or your DNA everywhere. I also support the Church's stance on monogamy in Marriage--no couples swapping for me, thank you very much. I just don't see how that can lead to anything good in a marriage.

But outside of that, I believe that anything a married couple wants to do to each other goes. You two into S&M? Have at it. Like doing it in public? Just don't get caught. Have an oral or anal fetish? More power to you. Want to use condoms because you don't want to start a family yet? That's totally up to you. You're married in the eyes of God, and the decisions you make about how kinky you are and when you start your family are up to you.

The problem is that the Church seems to think there is an 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not have an orgasm unless there is a chance thoust wife can get pregnant. That is seriously the attitude the Catholic Church takes. Any kind of sex that does not directly lead to a baby is forbidden. That means:

* No oral
* No anal
* No handjobs/fingering/whatever you want to call it
* No pulling out
* No masturbation--and this applies to single people, as well
* No use of condoms or any kind of contraception except the Church's Natural Family Planning (NFP)--even if one person has an STD they don't want to give their husband/wife

Pope Benedict is currently considering letting married couples where one has a sexually communicable disease use condoms--but it's being fiercely debated. This is long overdue.

I have a huge problem with this. I've read the Bible twice, and I seem to have missed that 11th Commandment. I seem to have missed the line where Jesus states that ever married sexual encounter should produce a child. I'm sure the Church bases this on something, and if you know what that something is, please feel free to let me know. However, I'm betting it's some fairly ambiguous, poorly worded, and relatively unimportant verse that the Church took and ran with. I think this comes from the earliest days of the Church where we wanted members to have as many babies as possible in order to get our population up. Well, there's a BILLION of us--we don't have that problem anymore. I also think this is a way to continue the Church's dominance over a person's life after they get married.

Well to the Catholic Church--and any other church who thinks it belongs in a married bedroom--GET OUT! We're busy in here. We've pledged--like you told us to do--to love each other for the rest of our lives. How we express that love physically is not your, or anyone else's, business.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you're supposed to have a child anytime you have sex. And if that was truly the case, then how can you support NFP? Just because you only use your knowledge of the bodies reproductive cycle and not any outside devices, that makes it okay to have sex for pleasure only? It's the intent that matters, and using mankind's scientific knowledge of the body to escape pregnancy is no different from using the pill or condoms. Also...since when is the pill or condoms foolproof? I've yet to see one that is 100% effective, so the miracle of birth if God so decrees can--and does--happen to many couples who use contraception.

I'm sorry Holy Mother Church. But because I only want to have 2 kids instead of 20, and because I want to wait 5 years instead of knocking my wife up on my honeymoon does not make me a sinner. And for the love of God, because I don't want to give my spouse a potentially deadly disease I have definitely does not make me an evil person.

Enough is enough. We've been good, we've done what we're supposed to do, and we're honoring the vows we made to God. So please, when the door is rockin', don't come aknockin'.

The Rosetta Stone of Dating

So you met a girl. Woo-hoo. Good for you. But how far along are you? Are you serious? Exclusive? Just dating? Friends? Fuck buddies (yeah, I said it)? No one has ever set down clearly defined rules for where you are in a relationship, and what each word means. Well, it's time someone did. And who, you may ask, is mad enough to do so? Oh I think you know who.

I've made a simple--yet elegant--flowchart to illistrate The Relationship Process. Coupla things to remember as you look at this:

* Colors are important. Yellow is friendship, orange will stand for feelings of affection, purple for deep affection, and white for the pure love of marriage. Red and black stand for degrees of danger/evil.
* Arrows are important. You must follow the arrows!
* The callout symbols used are important, as you'll see in the explanations.

Also, my writing style will be from a male respective: "he" met "her", for example. However, this is just for continuity, and not because The Process was designed that way. The Process is unisex.

Without further ado, here is The Relationship Process, with detailed explanations following. Enjoy!



Met: Comes from, "Hey, I met a girl last night". You can meet someone anywhere: bar, church, work, school, some kind of game, online, grocery store, whatever. The phrase "Got her number!" is worked in somewhere.

Talking To: This is where you start speaking to the person you Met. Typically phone calls, but may include emails, IMing, and text messaging. Some would include "meeting for a drink" here, but no it's not. That's a date, and there are no dates of any kind in here. Also, this is where two longtime friends who start exploring feelings for each other begin (since there was no romance when they Met).

Dating (Non Exclusive): Congratulations! You just went on a date. Here are the rules for this area:

* Falls within the first three dates (unless both parties specifically discuss & agree that they are still non exclusive and any date thereafter will still be NE, until they speak again and move to another level)
* Sex cannot be involved, not including fooling around (oral, petting, etc).
* Sleeping together (for the purposes of this discussion, "sleeping" means just that--engaging in sleep in the same bed with the other person. Having sex with them will be specifically referred to as "sex".) is allowed, but no more than twice.

This is when you're still trying to get to know the girl. Maybe you want to be with her, maybe you don't. What you do want is to find out one way or another. Basically you're feeling each other out. Pitfalls to be aware of: saying you're NE after 3 dates almost never works--one party is typically lying and even though they're saying that because the other party wants them to, they don't really mean it; sleeping together is VERY dangerous, in that is typically a sign of exclusivity. It can be done in the NE realm, but it must be done VERY carefully; sex cannot be involved in any way, else you are Exclusive or you have a...

Fuck Buddy I: An FB level 1! You went on a date, both had a lot to drink and had a good time, and got lucky. You both agree that you're not attached: it's either a one time thing because of alcohol, or you both just wanted a good time and aren't interested in a serious relationship right now.

So why is this colored a "dangerous area" in red with an X? Most guys would love a girl who just wants to have some fun. Here's why buddy: it's possible that a girl who wants to have sex with you after one or two dates hasn't been around a lot, and is really "just in a phase" and "really likes you" and "doesn't usually do this kind of thing". It is possible. But the odds are NOT IN YOUR FAVOR. You've probably got one of two things: a ho, or a clinger who's trying to use sex to lock you in from the get go. You've been warned.

This isn't to say this never works. You can get a FB I and it move onto Dating Exclusively. It's just a dangerous game you've started on.

Dating Exclusively: The first step in the "serious relationship" plateu. You're with her, and you're not seeing anybody else. This is the first area where contact with another woman would be considered "cheating". You're allowed to have sex in this area, but only after dates, and not on a regular basis (ie a date isn't a guarentee of sex). You're beginning to think of her in the long term--I can put up with this little habit, but she drives me crazy with the way she does dishes, for example. Nothing too serious, just little habits/day-to-day traits. The reason this symbol is an up and down arrow is you can move up or move back; you can decide to move down to Dating NE or move up to Girlfriend.

Fuck Buddy II: So you've Dated Exclusively for a little while, but you broke up. You're now looking to meet other people. However...you give each other booty calls, and you both hook up from time to time--and time to time can be every weekend.

Here's the problem with FB II: it invariably leads to one side developing strong feelings for the other. When the other side doesn't reciprocate, then it gets real ugly real fast.

Let's face it people. Sex is not a casual thing to most people, even in our overtly sexual society. While it can happen, it is very rare that two people can have sex on a consistent basis over a sustained period of time and neither develop any deep feelings for each other. So one person is eventual going to consider them Exclusive again, while the other thinks they are still FB II, and then all Hell brakes loose.

It can work. Some people can part ways amicably, no harm no foul. And sometimes it can help a relationship--a break was needed, but this area kept the two together, and they decide to move back to Dating Exclusively. Just be careful--you're playing with a nuclear bomb.

Girlfriend: Wow! You made it to Girlfriend. Impressive. You now spend the majority of your free time together. Dates are now mandatory, and you don't "ask" her out anymore--the two of you decide on times, or inform the other of times (surprises). You are having sex on a regular basis (btw of course if you're waiting on sex until marriage, the sex descriptions can be thrown out), and are sleeping together at least on weekends. This is the first stage you can claim to be in "love". You are seen as a couple by both of your friends and family. You are now thinking of her in the long term with regards to serious subjects: "Will she change religions for me?" "Can I agree to move to her hometown?" "Can I stand her family?" You're not only not allowed to Date other women, you are not allowed to Talk To (in the categorical sense) other women.

Fuck Buddy III: The last and deadliest of the FB's. Just don't do it guys. You're broken up with your girlfriend--doesn't matter who did it. You're hurt, angry, scared, and lonely, among other things. Alcohol is almost always involved in this, to large excesses. You're either looking to punish her, "steal" from her ("well she's owes me for the relationship, I'll just fuck her and move on and see how she likes it!"), looking to get rid of guilt ("if we have sex that makes the bad things I did while we're together okay!"), are hoping for something that can't work, or are using some leftover emotions to fulfill your physical needs. 99% of the time this ends in absolute disaster, with it spilling over to your friends and hurting your relationship with them as well. You can't move back from here to being a Girlfriend; you broke up for a reason, and that reason is still going to be there when you get back together. Just say no.

Fiance: OH MY GOD! You got engaged. Congratulations you old sly dog you! You're now bethroed, and are coming to grips with the fact that you will be spending the rest of your life with this woman. You are deeply in love with her (or you should be), and excited about your future life together. You're doing all the wedding planning, and the life planning of joining your two lives completely together.

Mistress I: Ahhh...the level 1 Mistress. You Met this girl while Engaged, and are now having sex with her. You are:
* A horrible human being, who should be hated and despised by everyone.
* Risking the health of your fiance with your philandering ways.
* Bringing about serious embarrassment to you, your fiance, and your family with your actions.
* A fucking moron, because she knows. Yes asshole...no matter how smart you are, deep down inside, she knows.
The black lightning bolt is to symbolize how utterly horrible both you are, and how dangerous this situation is. It will end with you being publicly humiliated, your reputation hurt, and have financial consequences as well.

On another note...what's the male equivalent of Mistress? Does anyone know?

Wife: You have reached the deepest levels of love, and have found true love. You are married and are now a couple not only in the eyes of family and friends, but in the eyes of God and the state. You have promised to spend the rest of your lives together, loving and honoring each other fully. The Process should be over for you now.

Mistress II: Same as Mistress I, except an even deeper and more horrible betrayal. You both (cheater and the Mistress) deserve to burn in Hell for what you're doing. This will end as horribly as M I, unless you are British Royalty, at which point you can move to Wife.


There you have it. The Relationship Process. Now when you tell your friends you're just Dating, they can ask "NE or Exclusively?", and you can quickly respond, and everyone knows exactly what you mean. Finally when we all discuss the states of relationships, we all have a common language with which to communicate.