Happy New Year!

Obviously I'm taking the week off. Have a great new year!

Merry Christmas to all...

and to all, a good night.

:-)

2 Assholes

1) Johnny Damon: Now I'm not one of the Red Sox faithful. Sure, I cheer for the Red Sox because they are the archenemy of the Yankees, who I do believe are truly evil and a bane to society. But I do not live and die by the Red Sox's success; a season in which the Yankees finish 4th and the Red Sox finish third is fine with me. Personally, I find Sox fans to be a bit annoying, as just because they really really WANT a championship doesn't mean they are entitled one. There were lots of other franchises that had long losing seasons, too.

But I digress!

The point of this is, even though I don't have a huge loyalty to the Red Sox, I still anoint Johnny Damon as an asshole. Let me put it to you this way:

You don't leave the Red Sox for the Yankees.

You just don't.

Hell, you could make a case for leaving the Yankees for the Red Sox. But you CANNOT leave the Red Sox for the Yankees.

In pro sports, Red Sox v. Yankees is one of the last true rivalries. Hell, it might be the only true rivalry left. The fans of both squads honestly dislike each other, and to an extent, the teams legitimately dislike each other as well. It really is more than just a game--even more than just a game against a good team--when these teams square off. The rivalry is one of the traits that made America love sports, and it is dying. Make no mistake of that. The rivalry is why people like college sports more than pro sports--almost the only reason why.

Now let's look at Johnny Damon's situation: he's the hero of one of the most notable teams in the history of sports. He's entrenched at a position where no one on the Red Sox will even think of moving him. He's allowed to be an idiot in Boston. He can act/dress/party/look any way he likes, and not only will management let him get away with it, but the public will adore him. I cannot stress him enough: THE PUBLIC WILL ALWAYS ADORE HIM. I honestly believe he could literally commit murder in Boston and get off scott free. He literally had the perfect situation.

Now he's going to a team that will restrict his freedom: he won't be allowed to dress, act, look, or speak the same way; the fan base will be lukewarm to him, as he was the villain who was paramount in destroying them and causing their team to commit the greatest collapse in pro sports history; he'll be under constant scrutiny from a media that will not adore him and from said fan base that will quiest whether or not he is good enough to justify his contract; he is playing with a group of players who--with the exception of Jeter--don't have the love of the game or the competitive fire his former teammates had.

All for $10-12 million dollars. I will promise you something, Johnny: you would have EASILY made that money in endorsements in Boston over the rest of your life. You're not going to get endorsement offers like that in New York; you aren't and won't be a hero there; you're third or fourth banana on the team. Hell, you're probably the fifth or sixth most popular presence on the team, behind the coach and the owner. Penny wise, pound foolish.

So good luck with that Johnny. You're an asshole, and no one will ever really care about you again.


2) Kobe: Ahhh...Kobe. My favorite basketball player. Now let me tell you what I am: a Mavs fan. Make no doubt about that. So you think when it came to Kobe's 62 points through 3 quarters and then sits out the 4th, I would be okay with that, as he was destroying my team.

Nope. Sorry.

Now I'm not here to go too long into reasons why Kobe is an asshole. That would be about the same as informing you that the sky is blue. No, I'm here to give Kobe (start saying it k-obe where the "obe" sounds like Obo, minus the last "o". ch-ob. It's fun. Thanks Mike Rhyner of The Hardline on Sports Radio 1310--The Ticket for coming up with that) some good advice.

Kobe, stop trying to convince us you're a nice guy. You're not. We know you're not. You're an asshole. You're a completely selfish, self-centered asshole. And we know it. We've known it for years. We haven't liked you for years--if ever. So give it up and stop trying to convince us that you're anything other than that. Just admit what you are, and relish in your role of the villain.

Like sitting out the fourth quarter. It was so ridiculously obvious that you were going to do that, in order to try to show the world that you "aren't a shoot-first gunner" and that you didn't want to show an opponent up. It's almost comical Kobe. No matter what you try to do, you almost always seem to choose the wrong option. You always choose the wrong thing to do.

You should have stayed in the game Kobe. You were on your way to something special. It's like watching a no hitter where the opposing team has also scored 10 runs--even if it's against your team, eventually you get to the, "Hell, I'm watching something special here, maybe history in the making--let's see where this ends up." We already know you're a black hole (Basketball Dictionary: Black Hole--A player who once you give them the ball, is going to shoot no mater what. The reference is in regards to the gravitational pull of a black hole: once an object is sucked into a black hole, it can't come out), and you were having one of those rare nights where that was okay. We WANTED to see you be yourself, and shoot to your hearts content. Let it fly! There was magic in the air that night, and all you had to do was do what you do best, do what is the only thing your little black heart desires to do.

I mean, Kobe, you had taken 31 shots through 3 quarters--with 0 assists! 0! Now, in scoring 62 points in 3 quarters, don't you think you were probably double teamed a few times? Tripled? Hell, I bet once or twice you had 4 guys on you. Surely SOMEONE was open.

Now I'm not saying you were wrong--you scored 62 points in 3 quarters, and you shot 58%. That's about as close to perfection as you can get as a basketball player. But the fact is, IT PROVES YOU ARE A GUNNER. SO STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU AREN'T!

Look at Jordan's 50+ games. I promise you that he had at least 4 assists in each of them. I'm not even going to bother looking it up.

We're not stupid Kobe. You are who you are. Quit trying to impress us, or get us to love you, because you're an asshole, and it's never going to work. Just be who you are, and you'll get a small nitch of people to appreciate and maybe even love you. But you're never going to be Magic...or Larry...or Michael...or Lebron. NEVER. The general public will never love you Kobe. You're an asshole, and we know it.

Just be what you are.

Christmas Today

So it seems that this year more and more people are up in arms about the "meaning" of Christmas. Merry Christmas v. happy holidays, Jesus is the reason for the season, the commercialization of Christmas, etc., etc. A lot of people are concerned with Christmas turning into a secular holiday. I have two thoughts on that:

1) Christmas has become a secular holiday.
2) What's wrong with that?

To me, there is a secular Christmas, and a religious Christmas. Christmas has become a secular holiday that represents love, peace, hope, and joy. It's a time when families get together and spend time together. It's a time when the world collectively calms down, takes a deep breath, and relaxes. And, of course, it's a time when people go buy gifts for one another to bring joy to each other's lives.

Does that sound like anything Jesus would want to be a part of? Does that sound like something He would be proud of inspiring? Of course it does. Jesus has inspired everyone in the world to come together and celebrate the values he loves most--isn't that what he has always tried to do?

I have Jewish friends. I have Hindu friends. They get Christmas cards and gifts from me, too. I even encourage them to put up a tree and lights. It's a holiday that stands for values that people of all religions can agree on. It represents the best in humanity, not the best in Christianity--and it's fun.

Does that mean that you can't celebrate the birth of Christ, as well? Of course not. Christians can take it to that next level, and should do so. It is, in point of fact, the reason for the season, and those who believe in Jesus Christ are correct in celebrating it as such. But that doesn't mean that the celebration itself should be secluded from nonbelievers, and that they can't enjoy the values that the season cherishes. Is not one of the most important tenets of any Christian faith to spread the word of God? Is there a much better way to do this then encourage and inspire the world to join in a celebration of peace, faith, hope, and love, that was inspired by your Savior's birth?

So non-Christians, I'm inviting you now. Please join us in celebrating Christmas. Celebrate the values that I know are more important to Jesus than just celebrating his birth is. Join in the joy of the season that all mankind can share, and can use to help make the world a better place. Christians, keep the religious themes to Christmas alive in your hearts and homes--celebrate them proudly, and with the love that we have for Jesus.

Jesus and I wish everyone in the world peace, love, joy, and happiness. In other words, we wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

One of the greatest quotes ever

So here's a quick story I read about:

NBA Center Dikemebe Mutombo--a 7'1" African with some of the longest arms and weirdest voice I've ever heard--supposedly walked into a party once while at Georgetown, those mamoth arms of his raised high over his head, and bellowed this question:

"Who wants to sex Mutombo?"

Yeah. Imagine that. In his voice.

Now I ask you: IS THAT NOT THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD?

Now try looking at Mutombo for the rest of your life. I dare you. No matter what the situation--in a game, in a tux at an awards show, dressed casually in an NBA Cares commercial--whenever you see Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo, you will hear his immortal mating cry:

"WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?"

Coupla things...

* Sorry I've been such a bum lately everyone. With Christmas, the new job, and coaching again (7th grade B team this year), I've been SWAMPED. Things will calm down after Christmas. Until then, please accept my humblest and most abject apologies.

* I don't know how many of you are watching The Boondocks, the newest Adult Swim cartoon on Cartoon Network. It comes on Sundays at 10:00pm. If you're not, you should. I have this to say about whoever created this though: if they're black, then it is one of the most daring and stark social commentaries I have ever seen. If they're white, then it is potentially the most racist show ever shown on television.

* The smartest thing women ever did: somehow convince men that they don't like sex.

* People who put those fake bullet hole decals on their car should not be allowed to breed or vote.

* Histories greatest police officers:
! Wyatt Earp
! Lone Wolf Gonzaullas
! Eliot Ness
! Joe Pondrom
! Shaquille O'Neal
That's right Miami. Watch the fuck out. Shaq is on the case.

God I love Shaq. I don't know if I've ever pulled a 180 on how I feel about a person as much as I have Shaq since he won his first title.

* Speaking of the NBA, so Ron Artest wants to be traded, and Pacers President Donnie Walsh has said that he will try to do so. My question to Donnie--who is without question the best GM in the NBA--is this: what took you so fucking long? After Danny Granger fell into the Pacers' laps at the draft, here's what my press conference afterwards would have looked like:

"Hi, I'm Michael Pondrom, GM of the Pacers. Welcome to our post-draft press conference. Is everyone in the media here? Okay good. Now that we have Danny Granger, I'm here to auction off Ron Artest. Not trade. We're going to have an auction. I've got the other 29 teams on conference call, and away we go...do I have a Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper anyone? There's Gary St. Jean proving he is the most overrated GM in basketball by taking that offer. Can I get a six pack of beer? Six pack of beer? Oooh there's Billy King chiming in for the Hawks! Like they don't have enough small forwards already, now they need a completely insane one. What about a handle of Crown? Handle of Crown anyone? There you are! Ron Babcock! It was only a matter of time before you chimed in on this deal! God you might be the worst GM in basketball. Oh well, at least it's Canadian Whiskey, you should have plenty of that. How about $1,000? Can I get anyone to actually give me some cash for this nutjob? I know you're not interested in that, Donald Sterling...YES! The moment I've been waiting for! Isiah Thomas just offered me the island of Manhattan for Ron Ron! I knew I could count on you to make the worst move Isiah! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Or something like that. You get the idea. But seriously, if I'm the Pacers, I'm calling the Nets and seeing if I can get Vince Carter or Richard Jefferson IMMEDIATELY, and hoping Thorn is just too bored with this mediocre and unexciting team to remember that Ron Ron is certifiably insane and roided out of his mind.

* Is it just me, or is everyone way to excited about King Kong? How is this movie going to be great? Over the top computer effects don't excite us how they used to, so being able to see a "cool" King Kong isn't going to impress me. I'm VERY iffy on the casting--Jack Black in this role? Really? And what about Adrien Brody selling his soul by doing the big box office flick? The Life Is Beautiful guy is the guy we want to see running around with Kong? And doesn't this seem like a story that was great once, but there is no way it could be good again? I'm just not very on board with this one.

* Let's say you're getting a massage from an attractive woman about the same age as you. You find out through conversation that she is single. When is it okay to ask for her number? Is it okay to ask for her number? Do you do it before or after you put your clothes back on? What is she doesn't want to give it to you? What if she REALLY doesn't want to give it to you...can you be arrested for that? The reason I ask is I know a guy who pulled this off. Let me just say sir, I salute you! All men salute you!

* Yes, the Colts should go for an undefeated season, and everyone should stop worrying about it. How often does a team truly have a chance to go undefeated? Someone wins the Super Bowl every year. Shut your pie holes, announcers. And the whole "rest your starters" thing I'm not a huge fan of. When you're an athlete in season, taking a week off can throw you out of your grove. It rarely actually works out--most teams that "take time off" show up unprepared and flat.

* There's a new Winnie the Pooh coming out--with no Christopher Robin! Zounds! There's a red haired, blue eyed little girl with a ridiculous looking bicycle helmet on! Pooh fans are up in arms. I simply say that Winnie the Pooh is one of the most overrated characters of all time. Even as a little kid he annoyed the shit out of me. How come a whiney little bear is amusing? Quit your fucking whining and go find some honey if you want honey, you limey piece of shit! It's like he expects the honey to walk into his mouth.

* And, finally, some word on Richard Pryor. I've always felt that there's one line that summed up Richard Pryor perfectly, a line that all good comedians like to say regarding him: "If you don't steal from Richard Pryor, you're not funny." That's true. He was a hilarious man, and while I'm happy he's gone so he doesn't have to suffer anymore, he will be missed.

* Merry Christmas everyone!

Sorry kids

I've been incredibly busy this week. As you can tell, since it is 2:00am on Friday morning and I am at work. Yeah. I wish I was kidding.

Anyway, hope everyone had a good week, and I'll have more to discuss next week. Have a great weekend, and remember my motto: have fun, be good.