French Military History In A Nutshell

PJ's note: I can't claim credit to this joke; I got this from a buddy who I believe got it from a web site somewhere. However, I felt it was definitely worth sharing. I'm not saying it's 100% correct...but like most good jokes, there's more truth than the butt would probably like to admit.

 Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by—of all things—an Italian.
 Hundred Years War: Mostly Lost. Saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by Frenchmen.”
 Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
 Wars of Religion: Lost. France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
 Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
 War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
 The Dutch War: Tied. Woo hoo.
 War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French & Indian War: Lost, though they claim a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
 American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as the “De Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to The Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
 French Revolution: Won. Primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
 The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
 The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
 WWI: Tied, with losing inevitable. France is saved from defeat by the intervention of the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
 WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by Britain and the United States (again) just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
 War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead ill, bedridden with Dien Bien Flu.
 Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces The First Rule of Muslim Warfare – “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
 War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans & Muslims just to be safe.