French Military History In A Nutshell
PJ's note: I can't claim credit to this joke; I got this from a buddy who I believe got it from a web site somewhere. However, I felt it was definitely worth sharing. I'm not saying it's 100% correct...but like most good jokes, there's more truth than the butt would probably like to admit.
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by—of all things—an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly Lost. Saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by Frenchmen.”
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: Lost. France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied. Woo hoo.
War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French & Indian War: Lost, though they claim a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as the “De Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to The Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
French Revolution: Won. Primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied, with losing inevitable. France is saved from defeat by the intervention of the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by Britain and the United States (again) just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead ill, bedridden with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces The First Rule of Muslim Warfare – “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans & Muslims just to be safe.
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by—of all things—an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly Lost. Saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by Frenchmen.”
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: Lost. France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied. Woo hoo.
War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French & Indian War: Lost, though they claim a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as the “De Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to The Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
French Revolution: Won. Primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied, with losing inevitable. France is saved from defeat by the intervention of the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by Britain and the United States (again) just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead ill, bedridden with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces The First Rule of Muslim Warfare – “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans & Muslims just to be safe.
posted by Michael Pondrom at 8:53 PM
1 Comments:
1- Gallic Wars - Neither won nor lost since France did not even exist at that time. Gaul as most of Europe and North Africa is conquered by Rome (Italy did not exist either).
2- Hundred Years War - Won, the English are shamefully defeated by a woman that they have to burn, the French finish the job and conquer all English continental territories (except Calais).
3- Italian Wars - Lost but it was a war opposing France to Italy, the Pontifical States, the Holy Roman Empire, Aragon and Castille, not only Italians (who again did not exist at that time)...
4- Wars of Religion - France faces a civil war between protestants and catholics (like most of Europe) and succesfully defends its borders against Spain during 40 years at the same time.
5- Won, France gains a lot of territories.
6- Won, France gains territories despite having to fight alone against England, Sweden, Spain and Netherlands.
7- The Dutch War - Won, France again gains more territories and imposes itself as the referee of Europe.
8- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost as France was fighting against most of Europe or was severely outnumbered in America.
9- Tie, France loses some territories but succeeds in imposing a french heir as king of Spain.
10- American Revolution - Won, actually involved more French than Americans, the French fought the English in Europe, India and America.
11- French Revolution - Neither won nor lost since it was a civil war...
12- The Napoleonic Wars - 5 of them won, 2 lost, as the title says, there were several wars in the Napoleonic WarS... Took the whole Europe to finally defeat France.
13- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost, Prussians outnumbered the French both tactically and numerically.
14- World War I - Won, despite Germany having twice its population, France held two thirds of the Western Front, was one of the major forces in the Balkans, and sent troops in Italy. They also trained and equipped the American army who got involved at the very late of the war with only a 130 thousand troops taking part in the final offensive along 530 thousand French and 411 thousand English and claiming they did all the job.
15- World War II - First a loss despite saving English army by protecting them at Dunkirk, the Allies then liberate France with the help of Free French forces who liberated Paris and landed in the South of France with 230 thousand men. France also participated to the offensives in Italy and Germany.
16- First Vietnamese war - Lost, as all the countries trying to control Vietnam like the USA and China, France at least suceeded in colonizing it.
17- Algerian rebellion - Military won but finally lost due to foreign pressures (especially from the US)
18- War on Terrorism - Still going on as the US realized they completely screwed this up in Iraq leaving the entire region in a complete mess, making France take care of it in Mali and overall in Africa and showing to the US a lesson of how it needs to be done.
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