The Return of...a Coupla Things!
It's time for the triumphant return! Let's get into it:
* First, of course, Tiger Woods ya'll.
The thing that has amused me with Tiger's Wang is that everyone is so shocked that he would do this. First, I'd like to remind people of how proud he was of his body in the last coupla years after he got into really good shape. In fact, allow me to show you:
Lovely pictures, aren't they? I don't care how good of shape you're in, a normal golfer doesn't pose flexing in skintight shirts on the cover of magazines. Also, a normal person doesn't pose staring lovingly at his bicep. Words like "narcissit", "god complex", "too in love with the human body" come to mind.
Second, I want you to remember when Tiger and his wife first started dating. One of the odd things about the relationship was how whenever they vacationed together, her twin sister would always accompany them. This happened so frequently that "menage" jokes started being made in the media...but eventually stopped because the sister kept coming on trips! It was so obvious that this was going on and that Tiger didn't care about the discussion that the media dropped it. As Jerry Seinfeld famously taught us about the menage in perhaps the greatest Seinfeld episode ever, "The Switch", "Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it." Once you become an Orgy Guy...you don't go back.
Finally, and most damagingly, America shouldn't have been surprised at Tiger's lifestyle because of one person in particular he hung out with. That man: Michael Jeffery Jordan.
Ladies, allow me to be perfectly clear: if your husband ever starts hanging out with Jordan, divorce him now. Save yourself the time and the heartache. Jordan is to marriages what Jason Vorhees is to teenage girls: an unstopable force that leaves nothing intact in his wake. We're talking about one of the most competitive men in the history of the planet, who lives life to such excess that he's had a book called The Jordan Rules written about him, got suspended from basketball due to his gambling problem, and had such an arranged/convenience marriage with his wife that when she left him once he was retired and their kids were all grown, it not only wasn't a major scandal, it was barely reported in the news and Jordan almost immediately started running around with a hot Cuban girl 20 years his junior. And--last but not least--let's not forget that this is the man who has literally bankrupted several of his peers by pressuring them into matching his excessive lifestyle, culminating in Antoine Walker--a Chicago native who joined the NBA in Jordan's last few years and was quickly befriended by him--getting arrested for gambling debts owed to a coupla casinos in Vegas in spite of the fact that he made about $150 million in his playing career. Walker isn't 40 yet. So let's just say that when arguably the most popular "athlete" (quotation marks since golfers aren't really athletes) in the world--who is almost Jordan's equal in competitiveness--starts running around with him, it's less than shocking that Tiger started to stray.
So in the end, forgive me for not being as shocked as many were that Tiger liked to run around. The signs were there. It was we who decided to ignore them.
Lastly, I will say this: good for Elin for going after Tiger with the golf club, for so many reasons. First, it is the definition of poetic justice. Second, too many women married to famous men "put up the brave face" or "stand by their man". You want famous men to stop running around? Let them know there will be repricusions. And, finally, I loved the quote from his neighbor that Tiger was screaming, "Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving" at Elin as he left the house. Really Tiger? She ruined Thanksgiving? It didn't have anything to you and the 14 women you were running around with? Let me put it to you this way: if I'm on the jury and Elin is brought up on domestic abuse charges, and she gets on the stand and says, "Hell yes I beat his ass with that golf club. And if I thought I could have killed him with it and still would have gotten his money, he wouldn't be standing here today." then allow me to assure you that Elin would not spend a night in jail for that "crime".
Tiger Woods ya'll. It's all good ya'll.
* If only this didn't happen once in a blue moon in soccer, then Americans might actually watch it more.
* Look, my stance on Sarah Palin is well documented. That being said, apparently no one bothered to read the last section of my post to her. As such, allow me to repeat it here:
Sarah...YOU'RE FUCKING DONE! GO AWAY! STOP NOW! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HAVE SOME DIGNITY!
If you want proof that the Republican party is in absolute shambles right now, look no further than the fact that Sarah Palin is trotted out as a legitamate candidate for President in 2012. This, of course is the craziest thing I've ever heard. What has she done to prove she would be a good candidate? Overreact to a mean joke from David Letterman? Have grandbaby's daddy pose for Playgirl? Quit her job early? Why would I possibly vote for someone whose excuse for quiting as governor of Alaska was "the media has made it impossible for me to do my job here"? You think it's going to be any better on the national stage? This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.
Sarah...go home.
* God I love cheetahs. People, go to Fossil Rim, and support the cheetah!
* For the SciFi nerds out there: want to get hammered playing a drinking game? Watch an episode of Sanctuary and take a drink every time Amanda Tapping accidentally loses her British accent. Good God. Was she this bad of an actress on Stargate and I just didn't notice, or is she just collecting a check here?
* Why are high school graduations always two hours long? Whether you have a class of 50 or 750, they always find a way to make them two hours long. Thank you to the classes of 750 for doing so. For the classes of 50...not all ten of the top ten need to speak, and nor does ten faculty representatives.
* Allow me to rant once again against one of my favorite things (which I'll touch on again when we get to health care in a minute): my disgust with those who want to have their cake and eat it too. I saw an interview with the dude from Twilight the other day, where he was singing the usual bullshit about how "he didn't like the fame" and "didn't want to be a star". You see this all the time whenever A) a young actor/actress is trying to still seem humble, and B) a veteran celebrity gets in trouble for something and wants to shirk the public criticism. Hey asshole: if you don't want to be famous...don't be an actor! Or don't take the lead role in one of the most popular books of the '00s! Or better yet, DON'T DO INTERVIEWS WHERE YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE BEING FAMOUS, THUS INCREASING YOUR FAME BY DOING THE INTERVIEW!
* Now don't get me wrong, I like Seth Rogan and think he's funny...but Seth, we get it, you're fat and you're Jewish. Thank you. Stop making jokes about it and move on to something else. In related shocking and subtle news, Seth MacFarland hates George Bush, Michael Jackson was on drugs, the Jedi and the Sith don't get along, and weddings are expensive.
* Worst business name ever: Bobbi Brown Cosmetics. That's right. I'm not making this up: check out their website here. I don't even know where to begin with the jokes...you know what, I give up...someone is going to have to taze me if I get started on this one.
* I want apologies from...well, basically anyone I've ever known in my life who I don't play basketball with or aren't named "Pondrom".
* And yes, I can get through a sentence without cussing. See, I just did. So fuck off. :-)
* This is another fantastic msnbc.com article that the title and byline makes you think that the author has a certain point of view, and then you read the article and think, "Wait...is it just me, or did he really take quiet shots at these people?" Here you initially think that this will be sympathetic to the plight of Gen Xers (of which I am one), when by the end you’re going, "Well, this guys is just kind of a dumbass, and needed to save some of his money instead of thinking it would rain down for forever." Which is absolutely true of our generation, for the record. That being said...I can’t tell if the author is very good in subtely pointing this out, or very bad in undermining the stated thesis of "Man it’s too bad what Gen Xers are going through". There’s really no middle ground.
* I found this article about stealing news stories for blogs, or “gawking”, facinating. I will reference this again in a future “death of the newspapers” post. I do take pride in the fact that, if anything, I overensure that you, my readers, do go to the web site that I get my stories from. I almost always start a linked story with “Check out this article” in an embedded link or pull my infamous “I’ll wait for you to get back” and leave some space to symbolize the time. I also rarely summarize the article, instead allow you to check it out and then immediately launch into my thoughts on the article after providing an easy to reach link to it. So let it not be said that I helped cause the downfall of the newspapers; I’d like to think I somewhat helped keep them afloat.
As I said, we’ll go more into the failure of newspapers and what “gawking” (what a stupid word) had to play in it at a later time.
* Okay: nationalized health care. I’m not going to go in as much detail as you might normally expect from me in a hot button political topic as this, partly because at this point who even knows what the bill says now and what it will actually say once it gets done. I will just ask you, my fellow Americans, this:
One of my favorite jokes/life lessons of all time is the following:
This has always been true in any walk of life. As I said earlier, one can’t have their cake and eat it to. So America, we want free health care, and we want it for everyone. We point out that many countries--like Canada, Germany, and Switzerland, to name a few--have just that. Okay. That’s fine. But here’s the part that so many proponents leave out: any country that has nationalized health care either has extremely high tax rates (in the neighborhood of 40-60%) or has required public service (such as required military service from any citizen from 18-20)...or very often, has both.
America, I’ve got news for you. If you want “free” healthcare, that’s fine. But allow me to throw yet another of my favorite quotes at you, that if you read me regularly you should know is coming: there’s no such thing as a free lunch. You can have nationalized health care. Are you ready to pay for it one of the above ways?
Are you?
* Finally, I’ll leave with two bits of happy news. First, congratulations to The Buddy Lees: Men of Action! (formerly Gangstalicious), for not only winning the Carrolton Championship again but doing so by going undefeated. Outstanding work gentlemen!
Second, Kim and I have put together a web site for our wedding. You can find it here. It’s still a work in progress, but we’ll use that to keep everyone up to date on the dates, times, important info, etc.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!
* First, of course, Tiger Woods ya'll.
The thing that has amused me with Tiger's Wang is that everyone is so shocked that he would do this. First, I'd like to remind people of how proud he was of his body in the last coupla years after he got into really good shape. In fact, allow me to show you:
Lovely pictures, aren't they? I don't care how good of shape you're in, a normal golfer doesn't pose flexing in skintight shirts on the cover of magazines. Also, a normal person doesn't pose staring lovingly at his bicep. Words like "narcissit", "god complex", "too in love with the human body" come to mind.
Second, I want you to remember when Tiger and his wife first started dating. One of the odd things about the relationship was how whenever they vacationed together, her twin sister would always accompany them. This happened so frequently that "menage" jokes started being made in the media...but eventually stopped because the sister kept coming on trips! It was so obvious that this was going on and that Tiger didn't care about the discussion that the media dropped it. As Jerry Seinfeld famously taught us about the menage in perhaps the greatest Seinfeld episode ever, "The Switch", "Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it." Once you become an Orgy Guy...you don't go back.
Finally, and most damagingly, America shouldn't have been surprised at Tiger's lifestyle because of one person in particular he hung out with. That man: Michael Jeffery Jordan.
Ladies, allow me to be perfectly clear: if your husband ever starts hanging out with Jordan, divorce him now. Save yourself the time and the heartache. Jordan is to marriages what Jason Vorhees is to teenage girls: an unstopable force that leaves nothing intact in his wake. We're talking about one of the most competitive men in the history of the planet, who lives life to such excess that he's had a book called The Jordan Rules written about him, got suspended from basketball due to his gambling problem, and had such an arranged/convenience marriage with his wife that when she left him once he was retired and their kids were all grown, it not only wasn't a major scandal, it was barely reported in the news and Jordan almost immediately started running around with a hot Cuban girl 20 years his junior. And--last but not least--let's not forget that this is the man who has literally bankrupted several of his peers by pressuring them into matching his excessive lifestyle, culminating in Antoine Walker--a Chicago native who joined the NBA in Jordan's last few years and was quickly befriended by him--getting arrested for gambling debts owed to a coupla casinos in Vegas in spite of the fact that he made about $150 million in his playing career. Walker isn't 40 yet. So let's just say that when arguably the most popular "athlete" (quotation marks since golfers aren't really athletes) in the world--who is almost Jordan's equal in competitiveness--starts running around with him, it's less than shocking that Tiger started to stray.
So in the end, forgive me for not being as shocked as many were that Tiger liked to run around. The signs were there. It was we who decided to ignore them.
Lastly, I will say this: good for Elin for going after Tiger with the golf club, for so many reasons. First, it is the definition of poetic justice. Second, too many women married to famous men "put up the brave face" or "stand by their man". You want famous men to stop running around? Let them know there will be repricusions. And, finally, I loved the quote from his neighbor that Tiger was screaming, "Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving" at Elin as he left the house. Really Tiger? She ruined Thanksgiving? It didn't have anything to you and the 14 women you were running around with? Let me put it to you this way: if I'm on the jury and Elin is brought up on domestic abuse charges, and she gets on the stand and says, "Hell yes I beat his ass with that golf club. And if I thought I could have killed him with it and still would have gotten his money, he wouldn't be standing here today." then allow me to assure you that Elin would not spend a night in jail for that "crime".
Tiger Woods ya'll. It's all good ya'll.
* If only this didn't happen once in a blue moon in soccer, then Americans might actually watch it more.
* Look, my stance on Sarah Palin is well documented. That being said, apparently no one bothered to read the last section of my post to her. As such, allow me to repeat it here:
Sarah...YOU'RE FUCKING DONE! GO AWAY! STOP NOW! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HAVE SOME DIGNITY!
If you want proof that the Republican party is in absolute shambles right now, look no further than the fact that Sarah Palin is trotted out as a legitamate candidate for President in 2012. This, of course is the craziest thing I've ever heard. What has she done to prove she would be a good candidate? Overreact to a mean joke from David Letterman? Have grandbaby's daddy pose for Playgirl? Quit her job early? Why would I possibly vote for someone whose excuse for quiting as governor of Alaska was "the media has made it impossible for me to do my job here"? You think it's going to be any better on the national stage? This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.
Sarah...go home.
* God I love cheetahs. People, go to Fossil Rim, and support the cheetah!
* For the SciFi nerds out there: want to get hammered playing a drinking game? Watch an episode of Sanctuary and take a drink every time Amanda Tapping accidentally loses her British accent. Good God. Was she this bad of an actress on Stargate and I just didn't notice, or is she just collecting a check here?
* Why are high school graduations always two hours long? Whether you have a class of 50 or 750, they always find a way to make them two hours long. Thank you to the classes of 750 for doing so. For the classes of 50...not all ten of the top ten need to speak, and nor does ten faculty representatives.
* Allow me to rant once again against one of my favorite things (which I'll touch on again when we get to health care in a minute): my disgust with those who want to have their cake and eat it too. I saw an interview with the dude from Twilight the other day, where he was singing the usual bullshit about how "he didn't like the fame" and "didn't want to be a star". You see this all the time whenever A) a young actor/actress is trying to still seem humble, and B) a veteran celebrity gets in trouble for something and wants to shirk the public criticism. Hey asshole: if you don't want to be famous...don't be an actor! Or don't take the lead role in one of the most popular books of the '00s! Or better yet, DON'T DO INTERVIEWS WHERE YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE BEING FAMOUS, THUS INCREASING YOUR FAME BY DOING THE INTERVIEW!
* Now don't get me wrong, I like Seth Rogan and think he's funny...but Seth, we get it, you're fat and you're Jewish. Thank you. Stop making jokes about it and move on to something else. In related shocking and subtle news, Seth MacFarland hates George Bush, Michael Jackson was on drugs, the Jedi and the Sith don't get along, and weddings are expensive.
* Worst business name ever: Bobbi Brown Cosmetics. That's right. I'm not making this up: check out their website here. I don't even know where to begin with the jokes...you know what, I give up...someone is going to have to taze me if I get started on this one.
* I want apologies from...well, basically anyone I've ever known in my life who I don't play basketball with or aren't named "Pondrom".
* And yes, I can get through a sentence without cussing. See, I just did. So fuck off. :-)
* This is another fantastic msnbc.com article that the title and byline makes you think that the author has a certain point of view, and then you read the article and think, "Wait...is it just me, or did he really take quiet shots at these people?" Here you initially think that this will be sympathetic to the plight of Gen Xers (of which I am one), when by the end you’re going, "Well, this guys is just kind of a dumbass, and needed to save some of his money instead of thinking it would rain down for forever." Which is absolutely true of our generation, for the record. That being said...I can’t tell if the author is very good in subtely pointing this out, or very bad in undermining the stated thesis of "Man it’s too bad what Gen Xers are going through". There’s really no middle ground.
* I found this article about stealing news stories for blogs, or “gawking”, facinating. I will reference this again in a future “death of the newspapers” post. I do take pride in the fact that, if anything, I overensure that you, my readers, do go to the web site that I get my stories from. I almost always start a linked story with “Check out this article” in an embedded link or pull my infamous “I’ll wait for you to get back” and leave some space to symbolize the time. I also rarely summarize the article, instead allow you to check it out and then immediately launch into my thoughts on the article after providing an easy to reach link to it. So let it not be said that I helped cause the downfall of the newspapers; I’d like to think I somewhat helped keep them afloat.
As I said, we’ll go more into the failure of newspapers and what “gawking” (what a stupid word) had to play in it at a later time.
* Okay: nationalized health care. I’m not going to go in as much detail as you might normally expect from me in a hot button political topic as this, partly because at this point who even knows what the bill says now and what it will actually say once it gets done. I will just ask you, my fellow Americans, this:
One of my favorite jokes/life lessons of all time is the following:
Fast
Cheap
Quality
Pick two of the three.
This has always been true in any walk of life. As I said earlier, one can’t have their cake and eat it to. So America, we want free health care, and we want it for everyone. We point out that many countries--like Canada, Germany, and Switzerland, to name a few--have just that. Okay. That’s fine. But here’s the part that so many proponents leave out: any country that has nationalized health care either has extremely high tax rates (in the neighborhood of 40-60%) or has required public service (such as required military service from any citizen from 18-20)...or very often, has both.
America, I’ve got news for you. If you want “free” healthcare, that’s fine. But allow me to throw yet another of my favorite quotes at you, that if you read me regularly you should know is coming: there’s no such thing as a free lunch. You can have nationalized health care. Are you ready to pay for it one of the above ways?
Are you?
* Finally, I’ll leave with two bits of happy news. First, congratulations to The Buddy Lees: Men of Action! (formerly Gangstalicious), for not only winning the Carrolton Championship again but doing so by going undefeated. Outstanding work gentlemen!
Second, Kim and I have put together a web site for our wedding. You can find it here. It’s still a work in progress, but we’ll use that to keep everyone up to date on the dates, times, important info, etc.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!
Labels: Buddy Lees, Health Care, Tiger Woods, weddings
posted by Michael Pondrom at 7:23 PM
2 comments
