The Best of Barkley

I recently saw a list of the "50 Greatest Charles Barkley quotes". I pulled my favorites from that list, and tried to rank those. I couldn't; there's just too many good ones. So here is my list in no particular order except for number one, which is unquestionably my favorite. Enjoy.


* "We better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon."

* After retiring from the NBA: "I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."

* Ernie Johnson, Barkley's moderator on TNT: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?"
Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back yawl!'"

* After Da Peja won the 3 Point Contest at All Star Weekend: "Kenny said it was going to be an all-international night. I want to know which international brother is going to win the slam dunk contest."

* On the Enron investiagtion by Congress: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."

* "I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."

* Ernie: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort."
Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"

* "Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself."

* Ernie: "Did you graduate from Auburn?"
Charlie: "No, but I have a coupla people working for me who did."

* Before playing Angola with the Dream Team in 1992: "They're in a lot of trouble."

* On considering retirement before his last season: "I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going to retire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'You got a pen on you?'"

* "I know why his name is DMX. Because his real name is Earl. Imagine if his name was Earl The Rapper."

* "If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing."

* After Kevin Garnett threw a ball into the crowd out of frustration, TNT showed footage of the man that got hit by the ball being taken away in a stretcher, with his daughter crying. Charles commented that players take passes to the face all the time. He topped it off by saying: "You know why that little girl's crying? It's because she's thinking 'my daddy's a wussy'".

* "I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five."

* Charles on Sam Cassell: "Phone Home." Later... "Sam Cassell is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon."

* "They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama unless they're cleaning."

* On the goal of the '92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: "To get the Canal back."

* "All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine."

* Barkley, a well documented poor defender while he was in the NBA: "Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn't know anything about it personally, but I've heard about it through the grapevine."

* "Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn't do much for them."

* "When I was recruited at Auburn, they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."

* Barkley to 300+ pound perpetual disappointment Stanley Roberts: "Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I'm full."

* On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."

* During an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, Charles got into a physical altercation with a member of Angola towards the end of the game. After the game: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me."

And finally, my favorite Charles Barkley quote of all time...

* A fight a drunk guy in a bar started with Charles ended up with the guy being tossed through a plate glass window. Naturally, he sued, and Charles had this exchange with the judge after asked if he had any regrets: "Yeah, I regret we weren't on a higher floor."

Ladies and gentlemen, the pure, unadulterated greatness of Charles Barkley.

The 2008 Presidential Election

Before I launch into my diatribe on my thoughts of the candidates, their political manuvering, and the election, I feel there is an incredibly important truth that I need to make sure that everyone understands:

The Cold War began again a month ago.

I've written about Putin before on this site, even going as far as to describe him as a "benevolent dictator". Well, unfortunately, Putin was not immune to the classic "Power corrupts" saying. With the rise in energy prices, Russia found itself in a new position: suddenly, for the first time in years, Russia had money. Instead of using it to provide desperately needed improvements to the Russian infrastructure, Putin used it to invade Georgia, and let the rest of the world know that Russia was not content with being just another country in the East, but still had dreams of being a Superpower, and--as during the days of the USSR--was willing to use evil means to become that power.

Trust me, an entire post can (and will) be written on the threat that Russia now poses to the free world. However, like it or not (and most of the world doesn't like it, and have instead chosen to stick their heads in the sand), we need to accept the fact that the Cold War has begun anew, and that how we will deal with Russia became an important point in who we should vote for.

Now, onto the election. I think bullet point form is probably the best way to handle this, as there are so many topics I want to tackle in this debate.

* I--like most of America, it seems--did not like Obama's choice of a running mate, Joe Biden. Look, you knew he was going to have to choose a white guy as his running mate. It goes without saying, as he's going to need white folks to vote for him to win. This is a simple fact. However, did you have to choose an old white guy from the state that is the most friendly towards big business in the world? There are few people more opposite of the "Agent of Change" message than Biden. Dem or not, he screams, "old guard politics". I realize and didn't want Obama to go with a radical, but going with someone middle of the road would have been his best bet, which Biden certainly was not. Let's look at it this way: Biden tried to run for President, and lost soundly. The American people have spoken, and they do not want Joe Biden. Period.

Another sad fact that is somewhat ridiculous--but should have been addressed from a marketing standpoint--is that yes, an Obama-Biden ticket looks and sounds too much like Osama Bin Laden.

Shut up right now. I know what you're thinking, and I agree with you. It's ridiculous that people would make that comparison; Barack Obama is a good man, is not in league with terrorists, nor any other ridiculous claims that crazy radicals have made against him because of his name. Those people are nuts, and it SHOULD not matter.

However, it also SHOULD not have mattered that Mike Dukakis looked ridiculous riding in that tank with the helmet on. It also SHOULD not have mattered that Richard Nixon was sick in his first debate and looked terrible on TV, while JFK looked good. However, both of those items were the turning points in those elections, and the fact of the matter is, when you look at an Obama-Biden ticket, it looks and sounds too much like Osama Bin Laden, especially when Obama has been fighting against being grouped with that name since day one.

I'm sorry, but when you've got a candidate as iffy as Biden anyway, that should have factored into the equation. It's Advertising 101.

* I think that McCain's appointment of Sarah Palin was a brilliant political maneuver. Whether you agree with her politics or not, the way this was handled was brilliant.

First of all, choosing an unkown after Obama chose just another member of the old guard was genius; this swept a lot of the "Agent of Change" rug from underneath his feet. Second, the fact that he choose a woman to counter Obama's race was a smart tactic. I won't go into detail here because that is fairly obvious. However, I thought the most underappreciated point of Palin's appointment was the timing. McCain choose the morning after Obama spoke at the DNC, TOTALLY taking all the attention away from what was an impressive and rousing speech. In spite of the fact that the first black candidate from a major party in US history had given his acceptance speech the day before, no news site ran with that as their headline: all eyes were on the McCain campaign and his appointment of the first female vice president. This brilliant maneuver ensured that the inevitable leap in the polls that each candidate get after a National Convention didn't occur. The way this was handled made you respect McCain and his political manuevering, regarless of which side you're on. If I was Obama, I would have called him, said, "Touche", and hung up.

* My thoughts on Palin: I'm very impressed with her political record. I love the fact that she tackled corruption in Alaska, going up against her own party--in fact, against the very man who appointed her as an Ethics Supervisor, the then governor of Alaska. Her record shows that she is truly a public servant who wants to do what in her mind is in the best interests of the people, and the people of Alaska loved her for that. She did an impressive job of backing up her vows to cut spending in Alaska, which is an attitude I would love to see brought to Washington. I also loved the fact that she succeeded in bulding a new Natural Gas Pipeline in Alaska. While yes, I want to get off of oil, period, the quickest solution to getting off of foreign oil NOW is to start drilling our own. She made progress in making that happen in spite of the enviro's objections, and I admire that.

I don't care for what I consider her "Christian" politics at all, however. We've discussed abortion here enough to know what I think of that, so obviously I don't support a strong Pro Life position. I also think that teaching abstinence only in schools is about the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Anyone who thinks that works is just kidding themselves. However, I still believe as I've always believed: abortion is a state's right issue and is far from one of the most important issues facing our nation today. McCain--who is the one who is actually going to be president--shares these views, thank God. The abstinence issue concerns me more (and yes, I do find it funny that her 17 year old daughter got knocked up; go on and keep teaching kids not to use condoms, it works very well); however, I think that A) PARENTS have incredibly more influence on teen's sexual habits: if a parent teaches a kid to use a condom, they will, if they don't, it doesn't really matter what schools say, and B) in this age with TV and media's infatuation with sex, our kids are more knowledgable about sex than ever before. Do they still need to be taught about the dangers of sex, and ways to prevent them? Of course. But the days of, "Condom? STD? What are those things?" are pretty much gone if your kid has watched MTV more than once. In other words, while I don't agree with Palin on this issue, I also don't consider this one of the more important issues being faced in this election. Her pros outweigh her cons.

* So in the end, who do I plan to vote for? I'm a little frustrated in this election, in that I think both of these are good candidates: both are good men who want to do what's right for the country and have what they think are its best interests at heart. I would be comfortable with either man as President; based on the people I've voted for in my life, I like them both much better than Clinton, Dole, Perot, Bush in his second term, Gore, and Kerry. So I find it somewhat frustrating that they are running against each other.

That doesn't matter though. In the end, we have to pick one, and I'm going with McCain.

As I've said, I like Obama, I like the change he represents, and I think it's time for a non-white man to lead this country just so we can get over our fears of racism. However, when it boils down to it, I just don't like his politics that much. If you really delve into his politics, Obama isn't a moderate--he's a pretty left liberal, and I dislike both extremes. In fact, one of the few conservative policies he endorses is one of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard in my life: he actually wants to build the wall between the US and Mexico (or did, when that was an issue). In the end, Obama is in his heart of hearts a Chicago Union guy, and we all know I cannot fucking stand unions.

Obama's death blow to me is when I discovered he wanted to repeal NAFTA. In my opinion, NAFTA is one of the best pieces of legislation the US has entered into since WWII. In today's global economy, the idea that we don't have free trade with our border neighbors is laughably absurd. It's a win for all businesses; many people like to say it benefits only big business, but who can afford to pay tariffs more, big business or a small firm? Take if from someone who worked for a small company that did business in Canada: Accenture could afford tariffs far better than Quorum could. Also, for those who want to improve Mexican infrastructure so that A) the illegal alien influx in our country that is such a "problem" (I don't think it's near the drain on our society that Republicans believe; The Invisible Hand has absorbed them into the market just like any other class of worker, but that's a conversation for another day) is rectified, and B) the illegal drug trade that easily makes its way up through Mexico into the US (this actually is a legit problem that should be addressed) is diminished, then the best way to do this is the same way to improve stability in any country: establish a strong middle class. The starting block to doing that with Mexico is free trade to its richest neighbors, the US and Canda.

NAFTA is a great thing, from both the liberal and conservative business approach. The only person who is against that is a union moron who likes to cry out, "Deytookourjobs!" (see South Park) about Mexicans. Well, sadly, Obama is one of those people, and anyone who is so shortsided as to risk one of our best pieces of legislation to make Union fatcats happy is not getting my vote.

Is this my only issue with Obama? Of course not. I've researched his stance on all the major (and some minor) issues carefully, and this isn't my only concern with him (the experience factor is also huge, but we'll cover that when we get to McCain). But I think this is one of the most important--and telling--issues dealing with Obama.

I like you Barack. I want to vote for you. Man I just wish you weren't from Chicago.

* Now you have my issues with Obama. Why, then, do I like McCain more?

I've liked McCain for years, for the same reason that many Americans like him: he's a true Moderate who does seem to have America's best interests at heart. McCain has garnered respect from all walks of life--the common man, Dems, Reps, and the media (I've thoroughly enjoyed the look on John Stewarts face as he's realized, "Dear God, I'm actually rooting for a Republican" as he's been fair to his longtime friend and frequent guest)--for truly making an effort to do what is best for all people. I like the fact that the Republican Party doesn't really like him, as we've seen what a piss poor job a President who just does what the party tells him to do does. I like his economic policies, and I like the fact that I think he views many social issues as secondary (which right now, they are). I like the fact that McCain is a soldier and a POW who has truly served his country.

What I like most, however, is McCain's experience and track record. McCain's history shows us that he is a man who runs the middle of the road and is willing to work with all sides on an issue to get shit done. He's been at this long enough to been there, done that, and got the free T-shirt. Obama's lack of experience--and the fact that he votes "present" more than he votes yes or no for so many bills--bothers me immensly.

I think McCain stands head and shoulders above Obama in the area of foreign policy, which I think is the most important issue in this election. Obviously the War in the Mid East is an ongoing issue, and China's rise to superpower status in the next decade is going to be something that's going to have to be dealt with very carefully. Add to that Russia kicking off the Cold War again, and Obama simply doesn't have the background, training, or experience to lead against these threats. We're in a very strange time right now, where the world's power structure and way of running is changing drastically, but at the same time issues from the past still loom large as a threat to the future. It's a difficult time to deal with this changing world, and John McCain has been dealing with these issues for years, whereas Obama not only is inexperienced, but literally never has had to deal with them.

To me, a sound foreign policy is the number 1 issue the US is facing today. It's a no brainer which candidate is better equiped to tackle this problem. That, above all other reasons, is why I'll be voting for John McCain.