The Responsibilities of a Parent
It's time for me to once again tell you how to live your life.
I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'm really not one of those people (like Carla from Scrubs, which really is one of the greatest shows in the history of television, but that's a post for another day) who constantly goes around telling everyone what to do and butting into things that are not their business. I'm not that kind of person.
But I do believe in educating the ignorant, and every once in a while it's important to share knowledge I've accumulated over the years (like Advice For The Newly Graduated), or on occasion I'll run into a group of people who are so uneducated on correct behavior that they simply must be informed of how society functions (like when I needed to let a wide group of men know how to behave with my Guy's Laws post.
The latter is the situation we face now. I've been surprised too many times in my life with basic, "How are you not doing this?" situations from parents. Some are scum parents who do the barest minimum required to not be considered Deadbeats. Some, though, are good parents, people who I have respect for, who I am shocked when I discover that they don't believe they are required to do these acts.
Well, you are. So here are some duties of parents that might get skipped over. As soon as you have kids, these are your responsibilities. End of story.
You will attend as many of your kid's events as possible.
An event can be many things: sporting events; dance recitals; theatre/drama performances; band performances; debate competitions; chess tournaments; video game tournaments. A parent's job is to encourage their kids in their skills and interests, even if they do not share them.
My parents dislike sports. They probably hate them. They never watch "The Game", regardless of what sport is being represented. Sports is just not their thing. However, once I became interested in basketball, they always encouraged me. They supported me in working hard to become better; they did their parts at the Booster Club in high school; and they damn sure were at every game they could attend. If they weren't there, there was a really good reason, and both were there probably 90% of the time.
Even if you child tells you it's no big deal if you're not there, it doesn't matter. YOU WILL ATTEND YOUR KIDS EVENTS. It does mean the world to them. It will strengthen your relationship. It will encourage them to work hard and strive to be better at everything they do in their lives. It will allow you to be there with them when they don't win the game, or forget a line, or miss a note, and are embarrassed, frustrated, and need support.
It's what a good parent does.
When financially able, you will pay for your kid's college education.
Ah, the cry of the Deadbeat Dad: "Once my kids hit 18, I'm done paying for them. I'm not helping out with college." I've seen this way to many times, and yes, it makes me want to commit physical violence every time. Sure, legally you might be correct, but you're an asshole. When you have kids, you want to prepare them and educate them for the world to the best of your abilities. In this day and age, that means sending them to college. There are way too many families who this is not an option for, so few things make me madder than the parents who can afford to send their kids to school and refuse to do so. You are scum.
This takes sacrifice. This means once you have kids, you probably can't take as many fancy vacations as you might want to, or be able to afford at that moment. You might not be able to buy as nice of a house as you want. You might have to drive a Honda Accord instead of a BMW. THAT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. When you have children, your wants and needs are secondary. If you don't want to put your needs secondary, then don't have kids. If you do have kids and didn't want to, too bad. This is simply how it is, and giving your kids the best chance to be successful in the future is priority #1.
It's what a good parent does.
When financially able, you will pay for whatever is required by gender for your kid's wedding.
Similar to the college one we just discussed, it amazes me the number of parents who try to skip out on this detail. Again like with college, there are way too many families out there who want to be able to do more for their children, so when I see a parent/parents who can help but simply don't, it makes me angry.
Parents, if you have boys, you will pay for the rehearsal dinner, and you should probably drop a nice little chunk 'o change for the honeymoon. If you've got girls, sorry (for a variety of reasons...sorry ladies ;-). You're paying for the wedding then.
There is some grey area here. If your kids come to you with some ridiculously extravagant wedding concoction, well, you're not responsible for that. If the kids want to go overboard, that's their call. But you are responsible for putting on a nice, reasonable by the current day's standards wedding. Period. End of story. And none of that "our wedding cost $1,000 35 years ago, so that's what we're giving you" shit. No. We all have a general idea of what wedding's cost these days, and you're required to pony up for that.
Again, this requires some self-sacrifice. See above for the vacation/house/car comments. If you're blessed with a little girl, well, know that you're going to have to save more than you would for a boy for when she's between the ages of 18-30. IT'S PART OF THE JOB.
Another thing: parents--and by parents I mean "Mothers"--if you want your kids to have a ridiculous, over-the-top, show-off wedding, that's fine. You can encourage the kids to do that (see previous posts about who really gets to make those decisions at wedding, though ;-). But you better be prepared to pony up for it. Nothing pisses me off more than the Mom who wants to invite 400 people, simply must have the wedding at the Waldoff-Astoria or the Four Seasons, and then offers the kid's $5k for the entire wedding. To quote Kyle Holmes quoting me, "NO!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!". And don't wait for your kids to ask you for help--offer. Let them know up front what you've saved, so they know what they have to work with. And if you start making extravagant demands for the ceremony, go back to them early and say, "look, I know what I'm asking you to do is beyond what you were planning for, so here's some extra cash to cover it". Don't be an ass. Step up to the plate.
It's what a good parent does.
Teach your kids the value of hard work by making your kids work.
Here's an all time favorite of mine: people who have kids, but hire someone to mow their lawn. SERIOUSLY? Is there something wrong with your kids that I don't know about? As my Father used to say (and I will say to my kids--regardless of gender--when they are complaining about having to mow the lawn), "What do you think I had kids for?"
No, that's not why you're making your kids mow the lawn. Well, that's not the primary reason. It's a parent's job to teach their children responsibility, self-sufficiency, how to work, and the value of doing so. They're not going to learn that if you do--or hire someone to do--everything for them.
Make them mow the lawn. Take out the garbage. Have a job in high school. Take care of things around the house. It's important to teach your children the value and rewards that come from hard work. It's important to teach them the pride that comes from a job well done. It's important that your kids know basic skills needed to exist on their own on the outside world.
So toss out the silver spoon. Even if you are one of the lucky few who can afford to do everything or have everything done for your kids, teach them responsibility.
It's what a good parent does.
Don't be afraid to say no to your kids.
This might be the hardest thing to do, for a variety of reasons. You want to make your kids happy, so you want to give them everything that they want because you love them so much. You want things to be as easy as possible, and it's much easier to tell a kid "yes" than "no".
But it's important to say no when needed. Know your children, and know their limits. If you don't think your young child is ready for a PG movie...say no even if they really want to go. If they love a particular kind of food or candy and are eating too much of it, say no when they want some and cut them back or off. If you've bought your kids too many toys lately, or their behavior has not justified the purchase of a new toy, then just say no to the new Transformer toy that just came out that they really want.
A good parent knows the value of saying no to their kids, and has the strength to stand by it, even when their kids get angry, and pout, and throw a fit, and make life more difficult, etc., etc. Life isn't served to anyone completely on a silver platter all the time; even Paris Hilton has come to that realization. Teach your kids that they cannot have everything they want, and that that's okay. It's teaching them responsibility. It's teaching them to be flexible, and learn to live with substitutes. It's teaching them that some of the best things in life to get is what we have to work for, to save for, to be patient for. If we're just handed everything when we want it...well, where's the joy in that? In the short term that's nice, but in the long run, nothing is ever good enough then.
It's what a good parent does.
And, finally, probably most controversially...
Spank your kids.
Oh yes. I'm a spanker. I was spanked. I will spank. End of story.
Here's the thing with kids that too many people don't realize: LITTLE KIDS ARE NOT ADULTS. Adults you can rationalize with. Adults you can appeal to reason. Adults you can appeal to their common sense. Adults you can refer to their sense of safety and/or well being.
You can't do any of that with little kids. They're not that developed yet. There's no reasoning and rationalizing. If you were to hold up a scrumptious, moist chocolate chip cookie to a 4 year old, and then explain--in detail--what diabetes is, and how they have it (not sure that 4 year olds can have diabetes; just go with me here), and how if they eat this cookie, down the line, they will die, do you know what he's going to say when you're done?
"So can I have a cookie?"
And that's what he should say. He's a little kid! He doesn't know any better. So when your kids REALLY do something wrong, sending them to timeout for a few minutes--especially up in their room where all their toys are--isn't going to do jack shit for them. Kids are underdeveloped as human beings. They understand the basics of life: hunger, love, joy, sadness, and pain. There is nothing wrong with a firm spanking to teach your kids the difference between right and wrong. It's not child abuse, and it will help them develop into more well rounded human beings.
I know it hurts you more than it hurts them. But...
It's what a good parent does.
I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'm really not one of those people (like Carla from Scrubs, which really is one of the greatest shows in the history of television, but that's a post for another day) who constantly goes around telling everyone what to do and butting into things that are not their business. I'm not that kind of person.
But I do believe in educating the ignorant, and every once in a while it's important to share knowledge I've accumulated over the years (like Advice For The Newly Graduated), or on occasion I'll run into a group of people who are so uneducated on correct behavior that they simply must be informed of how society functions (like when I needed to let a wide group of men know how to behave with my Guy's Laws post.
The latter is the situation we face now. I've been surprised too many times in my life with basic, "How are you not doing this?" situations from parents. Some are scum parents who do the barest minimum required to not be considered Deadbeats. Some, though, are good parents, people who I have respect for, who I am shocked when I discover that they don't believe they are required to do these acts.
Well, you are. So here are some duties of parents that might get skipped over. As soon as you have kids, these are your responsibilities. End of story.
You will attend as many of your kid's events as possible.
An event can be many things: sporting events; dance recitals; theatre/drama performances; band performances; debate competitions; chess tournaments; video game tournaments. A parent's job is to encourage their kids in their skills and interests, even if they do not share them.
My parents dislike sports. They probably hate them. They never watch "The Game", regardless of what sport is being represented. Sports is just not their thing. However, once I became interested in basketball, they always encouraged me. They supported me in working hard to become better; they did their parts at the Booster Club in high school; and they damn sure were at every game they could attend. If they weren't there, there was a really good reason, and both were there probably 90% of the time.
Even if you child tells you it's no big deal if you're not there, it doesn't matter. YOU WILL ATTEND YOUR KIDS EVENTS. It does mean the world to them. It will strengthen your relationship. It will encourage them to work hard and strive to be better at everything they do in their lives. It will allow you to be there with them when they don't win the game, or forget a line, or miss a note, and are embarrassed, frustrated, and need support.
It's what a good parent does.
When financially able, you will pay for your kid's college education.
Ah, the cry of the Deadbeat Dad: "Once my kids hit 18, I'm done paying for them. I'm not helping out with college." I've seen this way to many times, and yes, it makes me want to commit physical violence every time. Sure, legally you might be correct, but you're an asshole. When you have kids, you want to prepare them and educate them for the world to the best of your abilities. In this day and age, that means sending them to college. There are way too many families who this is not an option for, so few things make me madder than the parents who can afford to send their kids to school and refuse to do so. You are scum.
This takes sacrifice. This means once you have kids, you probably can't take as many fancy vacations as you might want to, or be able to afford at that moment. You might not be able to buy as nice of a house as you want. You might have to drive a Honda Accord instead of a BMW. THAT'S PART OF BEING A PARENT. When you have children, your wants and needs are secondary. If you don't want to put your needs secondary, then don't have kids. If you do have kids and didn't want to, too bad. This is simply how it is, and giving your kids the best chance to be successful in the future is priority #1.
It's what a good parent does.
When financially able, you will pay for whatever is required by gender for your kid's wedding.
Similar to the college one we just discussed, it amazes me the number of parents who try to skip out on this detail. Again like with college, there are way too many families out there who want to be able to do more for their children, so when I see a parent/parents who can help but simply don't, it makes me angry.
Parents, if you have boys, you will pay for the rehearsal dinner, and you should probably drop a nice little chunk 'o change for the honeymoon. If you've got girls, sorry (for a variety of reasons...sorry ladies ;-). You're paying for the wedding then.
There is some grey area here. If your kids come to you with some ridiculously extravagant wedding concoction, well, you're not responsible for that. If the kids want to go overboard, that's their call. But you are responsible for putting on a nice, reasonable by the current day's standards wedding. Period. End of story. And none of that "our wedding cost $1,000 35 years ago, so that's what we're giving you" shit. No. We all have a general idea of what wedding's cost these days, and you're required to pony up for that.
Again, this requires some self-sacrifice. See above for the vacation/house/car comments. If you're blessed with a little girl, well, know that you're going to have to save more than you would for a boy for when she's between the ages of 18-30. IT'S PART OF THE JOB.
Another thing: parents--and by parents I mean "Mothers"--if you want your kids to have a ridiculous, over-the-top, show-off wedding, that's fine. You can encourage the kids to do that (see previous posts about who really gets to make those decisions at wedding, though ;-). But you better be prepared to pony up for it. Nothing pisses me off more than the Mom who wants to invite 400 people, simply must have the wedding at the Waldoff-Astoria or the Four Seasons, and then offers the kid's $5k for the entire wedding. To quote Kyle Holmes quoting me, "NO!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!". And don't wait for your kids to ask you for help--offer. Let them know up front what you've saved, so they know what they have to work with. And if you start making extravagant demands for the ceremony, go back to them early and say, "look, I know what I'm asking you to do is beyond what you were planning for, so here's some extra cash to cover it". Don't be an ass. Step up to the plate.
It's what a good parent does.
Teach your kids the value of hard work by making your kids work.
Here's an all time favorite of mine: people who have kids, but hire someone to mow their lawn. SERIOUSLY? Is there something wrong with your kids that I don't know about? As my Father used to say (and I will say to my kids--regardless of gender--when they are complaining about having to mow the lawn), "What do you think I had kids for?"
No, that's not why you're making your kids mow the lawn. Well, that's not the primary reason. It's a parent's job to teach their children responsibility, self-sufficiency, how to work, and the value of doing so. They're not going to learn that if you do--or hire someone to do--everything for them.
Make them mow the lawn. Take out the garbage. Have a job in high school. Take care of things around the house. It's important to teach your children the value and rewards that come from hard work. It's important to teach them the pride that comes from a job well done. It's important that your kids know basic skills needed to exist on their own on the outside world.
So toss out the silver spoon. Even if you are one of the lucky few who can afford to do everything or have everything done for your kids, teach them responsibility.
It's what a good parent does.
Don't be afraid to say no to your kids.
This might be the hardest thing to do, for a variety of reasons. You want to make your kids happy, so you want to give them everything that they want because you love them so much. You want things to be as easy as possible, and it's much easier to tell a kid "yes" than "no".
But it's important to say no when needed. Know your children, and know their limits. If you don't think your young child is ready for a PG movie...say no even if they really want to go. If they love a particular kind of food or candy and are eating too much of it, say no when they want some and cut them back or off. If you've bought your kids too many toys lately, or their behavior has not justified the purchase of a new toy, then just say no to the new Transformer toy that just came out that they really want.
A good parent knows the value of saying no to their kids, and has the strength to stand by it, even when their kids get angry, and pout, and throw a fit, and make life more difficult, etc., etc. Life isn't served to anyone completely on a silver platter all the time; even Paris Hilton has come to that realization. Teach your kids that they cannot have everything they want, and that that's okay. It's teaching them responsibility. It's teaching them to be flexible, and learn to live with substitutes. It's teaching them that some of the best things in life to get is what we have to work for, to save for, to be patient for. If we're just handed everything when we want it...well, where's the joy in that? In the short term that's nice, but in the long run, nothing is ever good enough then.
It's what a good parent does.
And, finally, probably most controversially...
Spank your kids.
Oh yes. I'm a spanker. I was spanked. I will spank. End of story.
Here's the thing with kids that too many people don't realize: LITTLE KIDS ARE NOT ADULTS. Adults you can rationalize with. Adults you can appeal to reason. Adults you can appeal to their common sense. Adults you can refer to their sense of safety and/or well being.
You can't do any of that with little kids. They're not that developed yet. There's no reasoning and rationalizing. If you were to hold up a scrumptious, moist chocolate chip cookie to a 4 year old, and then explain--in detail--what diabetes is, and how they have it (not sure that 4 year olds can have diabetes; just go with me here), and how if they eat this cookie, down the line, they will die, do you know what he's going to say when you're done?
"So can I have a cookie?"
And that's what he should say. He's a little kid! He doesn't know any better. So when your kids REALLY do something wrong, sending them to timeout for a few minutes--especially up in their room where all their toys are--isn't going to do jack shit for them. Kids are underdeveloped as human beings. They understand the basics of life: hunger, love, joy, sadness, and pain. There is nothing wrong with a firm spanking to teach your kids the difference between right and wrong. It's not child abuse, and it will help them develop into more well rounded human beings.
I know it hurts you more than it hurts them. But...
It's what a good parent does.
posted by Michael Pondrom at 8:30 PM
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