Coupla Things...

* I've decided that threatening to stab someone with a fork or a pen is my favorite form of a joking physical assault. You know, cause I'm probably kidding...but it is possible :-)

* Here's a little football for you, from a guy who doesn't know much about football: the Cowboys will suck this year. Why? Because their offensive line sucks.

I don't understand football people. If I were running a team, the very first thing I would do is build up a bad ass offensive line. Who influences a game more than the O line? Just ask the Raiders, who went scoreless and let Aaron Brooks get sacked or hurried on all but like 4 possessions Monday night. You don't need a great quarterback if you've got a great offensive line--give an average quarterback 20 seconds and he'll do better than a great quarterback with 5 seconds. Same with running backs. Look people, I'm sorry, but I grew up watching Emmit Smith, and Emmit Smith was not the greatest running back ever. Smart guy? Yes. Hard worker? Yes. Did the little things? Yes. But was he fast or quick? No. No he wasn't. But he was running behind one of the greatest offensive lines ever. That's why he rushed for more yards than anyone, not because he individually was the best.

So there's my football knowledge. Go with the O line. If your team doesn't have one, you're in trouble. Even if you add T.O.

* I saw something on the Katrina anniversary that I never thought I'd see: Don King supporting George Bush. Seriously. I'm not making this up. King's message was the same as what I've been saying for a while: it's not Bush's fault that everything got fucked up down there, it's the fault of the city and the state, and of the people who live there. Richard Simmons (apparently he's from New Orleans) also got up there and blasted the city government and how corrupt it is. I can't believe that I'm siding with Don King and Richard Simmons...you know what, let's just forget about this and move on. Wow. I feel dirty now.

* Not to scoreboard myself again, but I'm patting myself on the back for calling the "John Mark Karr didn't kill JonBenet Ramsey". I'm sorry, but that was just ridiculous on the police's part. How could they be so stupid? I really don't understand their thinking. Enough time had passed that it was not a major issue anymore--they weren't being lambasted by the media for not finding the killer, so they had the opportunity to take their time and make sure they had the right guy. How it wasn't obvious to them that this guy was just a whacko and not the right guy from the start is beyond me--just a cursory glance at the evidence made me believe this. And then they make a HUGE deal out of arresting him, instead of just trying to take him in quietly and try to do the DNA tests under the radar before it becomes too much of a story. Would that have been possible? Probably not. But they could have tried.

* Man Snickers rocks. They really do satisfy.

* Yay! A polygamy story! You can never have enough crazy polygamy stories.

I seriously don't understand polygamists. I mean, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to be married someday. I can't wait to love someone so much that I'm willing to sacrifice the joys of living by myself, running my own life, and doing what I want to do, when I want to do it because one person makes me so happy that it outweighs that. I can't wait for that day.

But seriously...more than one person? The reason I say it's a sacrifice is because living with someone is HARD. It is man. So why you would even want to get married to more than one person is just fricking beyond me. That's just a lifetime of headaches right there man! There's no way this goes smoothly! There's no way a housefull of not just women, but a housefull of wives just get along great and make life easier for their man. Sorry. Just don't buy it.

One thing to msnbc.com: let's get all the details here. My first reaction when I saw that he was on the FBI's Top Ten list was, "You've got to be fricking kidding me. Top Ten? For a polygamist?" Then I found out from some Mormon friends (good people, not crazy cultists like these guys) that this dude was marrying his underage daughters.

Yeah...now I'm on board with that.

* You know what cracks me up? When hos try to act prudish.

I'm not dissing hos. We all have friends who are hos. It's a lifestyle choice. Sure, it's not mine, but hey: to each their own. Whatever makes you happy. Just don't drink out of my drink.

But it never ceases to amaze me when hos try to act like their not--especially when it's blatant, by sending out super holy emails to everyone on their email list, or on certain occasions act very prudish ("I can't believe she's wearing that!" when she was wearing half of that outfit at the club the night before). Who do they think they're kidding? Do they think we don't know that you like to sleep around? We missed that fact? Do you think that just because you act prudish on certain nights of the week that makes up for your actions on other nights on the week?

I'm not judging. Hell, it cracks me up when I get the super religious email from a ho. I'm just saying: you are who you are. Live with that.

* This is one of the stupidest god damn things I've ever read.

Now yes, I do work for a defense contractor, so I'm not objective. But let's get a clue people. Yes, when a war is going on, a defense company is going to make more money. Of course it is! Just like when it's winter, a company that sells jackets is going to make more money. Are we yelling at the company that makes jackets for turning a profit when it's cold out? Hmmmm? Well we should, by this logic. By God, they're obviously allowing people to freeze to death!

Here's a quick lesson to people: profit motivates people, and motivation is literally what makes humanity do anything. If you want to be able to defend yourself, you have to have defense companies. If you want to have defense companies, they have to be allowed to make money. They are going to make money when the demand for their service is high--like when we're at war. It's Economics 101 people. So either A) don't pretend to be shocked by this just because war is unpopular, or B) shut the fuck up if you're too dumb to understand the most simple of Economic principles.

* Speaking of Economics, I just finished reading Freakanomics, a short (barely 200 pages) economics book that looks at current questions of the day and examines what are the causes (or "motivations") of such actions, such as the lower crime rate in the 90's, whether Real Estate agents are really working for your interests, and why crack dealers still live wit their moms, yo. It was an outstanding book, and a quick read, and doesn't get into what we would normally define as "Economics" at all. I highly recommend it.

* To all my friends who went to OSU: this is the church with the huge Cross that showed up in Edmond right off of I-35 about 6 or 7 years ago!

Anyway, so check this out.

Welcome back. Okay Protestants...sit down for a second. Now I know how you guys like to give us (us being Catholics) shit about Confession. You don't believe it...you think it's too easy...you think it's a cop out. I especially love it when people who believe in the List of the Elect (some churchs believe that there is a List of who is going to Heaven--it was set at the beginning of time, and if you're in their church you're on it, and if you're not you're going to Hell no matter what. But nothing you do in this life affects you getting on or off the list. So if Jeffrey Damher (sp?) went to the right Church, he's in, where Mother Teresa is out. What a fantastic idea. What could be easier than the List? I love the List. Anyways...) like to rag on Confession, like anything is easier than the idea of "I'm on The List; fuck the rest of the world!" I find it ironic, then, when Protestant churchs start doing imitations of Confession, which is what this is.

First of all, for those who haven't been to Confession, let me tell you something: it is one of the hardest things to do in your life, if you do it right. Sure, if you do it like it's portrayed in Hollywood, you walk in and say, "I cheated, I lied, I stole", and the priest doesn't even glance at you and just says, "5 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers", well yeah, that's easy. And you can do that. But if you honestly go in, confess your true sins, and honestly seek forgiveness face to face from a person you were brought up to believe is a holy and good person, then it's an entirely different story. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life, I promise you.

But this? In the words of Peter Griffin, "Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..." You anonymously post on some web site what you've done? No one sees you? There's no way to trace you? There's no owning up to your shortcomings, your mistakes? Come onnnnnnnnnnn...

I'm sorry, but with all due respect, this is nothing but sending letters to Playboy or Penthouse. If you truly want forgiveness, and you feel you're forgiven, and you don't do the same sin again, then hey, whatever gets you to sleep at night. But come on. It's not hard to anonymously type a couple of lines on a web site.

* Okay check this out:


I'll just let Adidas describe it for us:

adidas Originals - Ali Boot Mid Graphics: The Ali Boot's mid-cut design offers the style and spirit of Ali. Full grain leather upper with lazer etched quotes from the Champ himself. Suede wrap on midsole. Rubber outsole.

Wow. WOW.

* So Don Nelson is now the coach of the Golden State Warriors. And let me tell you what: I'm thrilled about this.

For those of you not familiar, here's how Don Nelson's last stint with the Warriors played out:

@ Nelson drafts Chris Webber.
@ Webber and Nelson quickly grow to hating each other.
@ Both demand that the owner get rid of the other one.
@ Webber is traded.
@ Nelson quits.
@ Nelson joins Knicks as coach; owner of the Warriors sues Nelson.
@ Nelson is diagnosed with a Nervous Breakdown, does not finish one season as coach of the Knicks.

So now let me drop this knowledge on you: the Warriors are still owned by the same guy! The same guy who was so mad at Nelson he ended up suing him! How great can this get? I wonder if this guy is still mad at Nelson, and brought him back so he can try to drive him to another Nervous Breakdown--one that will kill him this time. Why not? Golden State is going to suck no matter what, if you're a billionaire why not get some personal vendettas out of the way?

Anyway, you heard it here first: Golden State will be entertaining and score a lot of points this year...but still will not make the playoffs. Sorry.

* And, finally, a moment of silence for Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter.

...

It seems that people are sharply divided on him--as in most people love him, but crazy environmentalists hated him. Well, as usual, fuck PETA and the rest of the crazy environmentalists like them. He was a man who obviously truly loved nature, and he did a lot--more than almost any wacko environmental group--to teach the world about, and to love, animals in nature. He was a good man, and he will be missed.

Rest in peace mate.