Things You Can Count On At Weddings
First, congrats to the McAfees, who are on their Honeymoon in the Grand Camans as we speak. Obviously they got married this weekend, and God bless and good wishes to the best of their life. Well, while at the reception, my buddy Mike at one point snapped his fingers and yelled out excitedly, "There he is! The Guy in jeans!", at which point we got a good laugh out of the guy in jeans at the wedding. Now that got me to thinking...what other things can you count on at weddings? I wonder...
* The Guy In Jeans: That's right. There's always one guy who decides, "No, it's cool if I just wear jeans and a dress shirt/polo to their wedding." Well guess what dude? You're wrong. Hey, I hate dressing up as much as the next guy: if I had my way, I'd wear basketball shorts, a wife beater (I'm sorry, an "athletic tee" :-) and Nikes to everything. If it's warm enough, flip flops. But unfortunately, in our civilized society, you have to look nice. So put on a pair of slacks for the wedding; when you wear jeans, all you're saying is "Hi bride and groom, I dont' give a shit about you, I just wanted the free food."
BTW...at a hick wedding where lots of people wear jeans, then this guy moves up a level and becomes one of my all time favorites: the "Redneck Tuxedo Guy". Nothing is funnier than him. As Bob put it, "If only they made Denim shoes..."
* The Obnoxious Couple Who Keeps Dancing And Is Showing Off How In Love They Are: We get it. Okay? You never stop touching each other, you're dancing all the time (and I know you think that being in love makes you good at this, but you don't know how to fucking dance), you're walking around the room talking to everyone about when you two are getting married, and you stop to stare into each other's eyes in the middle of the room. Here's what pisses me off about these people: the number 1 rule about a wedding is it's the couple's day. They are the absolute and total center of attention. The only exception is when the Best Man and Maid of Honor give their toasts. Now this couple, all they're doing is showing off. They are trying to show everyone how in love they are, and how they're just like the couple getting married, and they appreciate weddings so much because they're so in love, too. Well fuck you. It's the bride and grooms day. Quit showing off.
* The Bride & Groom Getting Pissed At The Wedding Planner And DJ: Why can't we bet on things like this? Shouldn't Vegas put odds on things like this? If they did, it would be a "when do they get angry" not "if". First of all, I've got to say I'm not on board with a wedding planner. I'm really starting to believe that they are there simply to be a fall guy; anything that goes wrong, the bride and/or mother of the bride can just blame it on the wedding planner and be absolved. If it's the bride's day, and she makes all decisions for how anything is done, then what do you need a wedding planner for? Next, the DJ. The DJ always ends up being given a list of songs, and is insulted because he wants to play his list of songs for a wedding, so he starts with their list, then ends up blowing it off, so then the bride or groom have to go yell at him to start playing their list.
Here's the problem with wedding planners and DJ's: they're professionals, and want to be treated as such. Here's the problem with that: they're not really professionals, and doing it "right" isn't the right way to do a wedding. Yes, you know how to do it "right". We acknowledge your expertise. But the real "right" way to do it is however the bride wants to do it. The smart ones excpet this fact, nod their heads at whatever the bride says, and go home a lot richer and with less stress.
* Side Note: Candy Corn. Just what the Hell is Candy Corn? And am I crazy for thinking it causes cancer?
* The Older Family Member Who's Had A Little Too Much To Drink: Is there anything better than this guy? He's really happy about the wedding, he's a little red-cheeked, he's talking to and hugging everybody, and isn't plastered but is just a little bit too drunk. You always feel better after this guy makes his way over to you. Love this guy.
* The Guy Who Is Obviously On The Prowl: Another one of my favorites. He's not even pretending; he's looking for some ass tonight. He's drinking constantly; if it's a dry wedding he's got a flask in his jacket or a bottle in the car, and he's not really hiding the fact that he's doing that; he's talking to every cute girl there and throwing a little bit different game each time (to the first girl he's a tough guy, the next girl he's really sensitive, the next one he's emotional about the wedding). He's practically holding up a huge sign that says, "Have Hotel Room Will Fuck". Hilarious.
* The Bitter Lonely Girl Who's Also Looking To Hook Up: She's not at every wedding, but she's there a lot--and she's at damn near every wedding with booze. Not much to say here: she's bitter at either the couple or her "pathetic" (as she would describe it) love life, she's lonely, and any guy who throws some halfway decent game and a couple of drinks her way is in there.
The highest of high comedy: when The Guy Who Is Obviously On The Prowl finally meets the The Bitter Lonely Girl Who's Also Looking To Hook Up, ESPECIALLY after you've watched him go through a couple other girls before he got to her. Watching his face light up and watching the look of sad resignation on her face gets me every time. Did I mention I like people watching at weddings? Did I also mention I'm going to Hell?
* The Bad Toast From The Maid Of Honor: Women, why can't you toast? Seriously. I don't know if I've ever seen a good wedding toast from a woman. I'm sorry. I'm sure I've seen one or two that I'm forgetting, but this is damn near ironclad. Let me give you a piece of advice ladies: saying "I just love you both so much" does not make it a good toast. I don't think I've ever heard a woman not say that exact line during a toast. It's like a diehard Southern Baptist asking you, "HaveyouexceptedJesusChristasyourLordandSavior?" You're not quite sure when it's coming...but you know it's going to be in there somehwere.
I think it's just that they don't care as much about this as men do, but women really do suck at making toasts. Come on ladies, step it up here! This is an important part of the wedding!
* Watching The Guys Jump Out Of The Way When The Garter Is Tossed: The best is when it actually lands on the floor, and everyone just looks at it for a minute. Superman doesn't run away from Kryptonite this fast. And yes, I do this too. I hate this tradition; it's so tacky. But I will say this: grooms, if you're going to do this, be a pimp and use your teeth.
* The Attendant Who Wants To Have A Little Too Much Fun The Night Before: This is the one who's usually trying to hide it, but they really want the guys/girls (depending) to get plastered and head to the strip club. What's funny is this person is almost always married; a wedding is the only opportunity for them to get away with doing this without their significant other getting angry at them. Let me put it to you this way: if you have an attendant who is married and is either a little bit of a redneck or was a player/party girl before they were married, I guarentee you they are dying to party like a rock star the night before.
Ahhh weddings. You've got to love them; anything can and will happen. If I left anything off, please feel free to chime in in the comments. Salud!
* The Guy In Jeans: That's right. There's always one guy who decides, "No, it's cool if I just wear jeans and a dress shirt/polo to their wedding." Well guess what dude? You're wrong. Hey, I hate dressing up as much as the next guy: if I had my way, I'd wear basketball shorts, a wife beater (I'm sorry, an "athletic tee" :-) and Nikes to everything. If it's warm enough, flip flops. But unfortunately, in our civilized society, you have to look nice. So put on a pair of slacks for the wedding; when you wear jeans, all you're saying is "Hi bride and groom, I dont' give a shit about you, I just wanted the free food."
BTW...at a hick wedding where lots of people wear jeans, then this guy moves up a level and becomes one of my all time favorites: the "Redneck Tuxedo Guy". Nothing is funnier than him. As Bob put it, "If only they made Denim shoes..."
* The Obnoxious Couple Who Keeps Dancing And Is Showing Off How In Love They Are: We get it. Okay? You never stop touching each other, you're dancing all the time (and I know you think that being in love makes you good at this, but you don't know how to fucking dance), you're walking around the room talking to everyone about when you two are getting married, and you stop to stare into each other's eyes in the middle of the room. Here's what pisses me off about these people: the number 1 rule about a wedding is it's the couple's day. They are the absolute and total center of attention. The only exception is when the Best Man and Maid of Honor give their toasts. Now this couple, all they're doing is showing off. They are trying to show everyone how in love they are, and how they're just like the couple getting married, and they appreciate weddings so much because they're so in love, too. Well fuck you. It's the bride and grooms day. Quit showing off.
* The Bride & Groom Getting Pissed At The Wedding Planner And DJ: Why can't we bet on things like this? Shouldn't Vegas put odds on things like this? If they did, it would be a "when do they get angry" not "if". First of all, I've got to say I'm not on board with a wedding planner. I'm really starting to believe that they are there simply to be a fall guy; anything that goes wrong, the bride and/or mother of the bride can just blame it on the wedding planner and be absolved. If it's the bride's day, and she makes all decisions for how anything is done, then what do you need a wedding planner for? Next, the DJ. The DJ always ends up being given a list of songs, and is insulted because he wants to play his list of songs for a wedding, so he starts with their list, then ends up blowing it off, so then the bride or groom have to go yell at him to start playing their list.
Here's the problem with wedding planners and DJ's: they're professionals, and want to be treated as such. Here's the problem with that: they're not really professionals, and doing it "right" isn't the right way to do a wedding. Yes, you know how to do it "right". We acknowledge your expertise. But the real "right" way to do it is however the bride wants to do it. The smart ones excpet this fact, nod their heads at whatever the bride says, and go home a lot richer and with less stress.
* Side Note: Candy Corn. Just what the Hell is Candy Corn? And am I crazy for thinking it causes cancer?
* The Older Family Member Who's Had A Little Too Much To Drink: Is there anything better than this guy? He's really happy about the wedding, he's a little red-cheeked, he's talking to and hugging everybody, and isn't plastered but is just a little bit too drunk. You always feel better after this guy makes his way over to you. Love this guy.
* The Guy Who Is Obviously On The Prowl: Another one of my favorites. He's not even pretending; he's looking for some ass tonight. He's drinking constantly; if it's a dry wedding he's got a flask in his jacket or a bottle in the car, and he's not really hiding the fact that he's doing that; he's talking to every cute girl there and throwing a little bit different game each time (to the first girl he's a tough guy, the next girl he's really sensitive, the next one he's emotional about the wedding). He's practically holding up a huge sign that says, "Have Hotel Room Will Fuck". Hilarious.
* The Bitter Lonely Girl Who's Also Looking To Hook Up: She's not at every wedding, but she's there a lot--and she's at damn near every wedding with booze. Not much to say here: she's bitter at either the couple or her "pathetic" (as she would describe it) love life, she's lonely, and any guy who throws some halfway decent game and a couple of drinks her way is in there.
The highest of high comedy: when The Guy Who Is Obviously On The Prowl finally meets the The Bitter Lonely Girl Who's Also Looking To Hook Up, ESPECIALLY after you've watched him go through a couple other girls before he got to her. Watching his face light up and watching the look of sad resignation on her face gets me every time. Did I mention I like people watching at weddings? Did I also mention I'm going to Hell?
* The Bad Toast From The Maid Of Honor: Women, why can't you toast? Seriously. I don't know if I've ever seen a good wedding toast from a woman. I'm sorry. I'm sure I've seen one or two that I'm forgetting, but this is damn near ironclad. Let me give you a piece of advice ladies: saying "I just love you both so much" does not make it a good toast. I don't think I've ever heard a woman not say that exact line during a toast. It's like a diehard Southern Baptist asking you, "HaveyouexceptedJesusChristasyourLordandSavior?" You're not quite sure when it's coming...but you know it's going to be in there somehwere.
I think it's just that they don't care as much about this as men do, but women really do suck at making toasts. Come on ladies, step it up here! This is an important part of the wedding!
* Watching The Guys Jump Out Of The Way When The Garter Is Tossed: The best is when it actually lands on the floor, and everyone just looks at it for a minute. Superman doesn't run away from Kryptonite this fast. And yes, I do this too. I hate this tradition; it's so tacky. But I will say this: grooms, if you're going to do this, be a pimp and use your teeth.
* The Attendant Who Wants To Have A Little Too Much Fun The Night Before: This is the one who's usually trying to hide it, but they really want the guys/girls (depending) to get plastered and head to the strip club. What's funny is this person is almost always married; a wedding is the only opportunity for them to get away with doing this without their significant other getting angry at them. Let me put it to you this way: if you have an attendant who is married and is either a little bit of a redneck or was a player/party girl before they were married, I guarentee you they are dying to party like a rock star the night before.
Ahhh weddings. You've got to love them; anything can and will happen. If I left anything off, please feel free to chime in in the comments. Salud!
Labels: weddings
posted by Michael Pondrom at 8:43 PM
1 Comments:
All so true! I wanted to kick my DJ's ass! He was an idiot!
Also, don't forget about the bride getting pissed at the groomsmen because their out decorating the car when they're supposed to be dancing the "attendant's dance." If you're a groomsmen, wait until all the important stuff is finished before you go outside and draw penises on the car! Seriously! What ever happened to "Just Married?" Why isn't that good enough anymore?
End of Wedding Rant by Stephanie. I have a hard time letting go.
Post a Comment
<< Home