Showers (not the clean kind)

Gentlemen,

I come to you today to speak to you about a great travesty being forced upon the male gender. Obviously, it's being forced upon us by women, and it is one of their most dire and sinister plots to date. The problem: men being included in wedding and baby showers.

Where the Hell did this come from? It's a recent trend, I'd say it started 5 to 8 years ago. All of the sudden, men are being invited--and even expected to come--to these things. I'm sorry, but I've almost never known a woman to come away with positive things to say about a shower. They all consider them to be an asswhiping. They get together, do really girly things, and come home and complain about half of the women there, leading to many "Itoldyouthatbitchcrazy"'s from us men. It's a formal event, so there's nothing really fun to do there, and little to no drinking. Why would we want to be included in this? Ladies, this is stuff that YOU dreamed up (you don't see men doing anything like this), and if you don't like it, too bad, you started this trend, and now you have to live with it. Sorry, but there is no reason or appeal for us to be there.

So why are we being included? I see two reasons: First, so the showeree (is that what she's called?) can get more presents. Yeah. I'm calling you out on that. Second, and this is probably the most popular reason, is because our wives/girlfriends want us to suffer. That's right. Whenever they have to do something they don't like that can in any way, shape, or form be couple construed, they drag us into it. Misery does love company, especially in relationships. So shame on you ladies. Shame on you for starting this function that you no longer enjoy, and instead of getting rid of it, dragging us into your misery!

Now, I'm not saying I'll never go to a wedding/baby shower. But I'm going to need the following items for me and my present to be in attendance:

1) A nice meal spread. And I don't mean crappy POS finger foods that are either dirt cheap or RIDICULOUSLY expensive that no one wants to eat, I mean some good real food. Chick fil a chicken nuggets, pizza, BBQ, something like that. Or fire up the grill. Hell, I'll do the grilling, as long as you buy all the stuff. :-)
2) Alcohol. Beer & Wine are a must at either event, and sorry baby shower lady that you can't drink, but we're giving you lots of presents, so we should be able to enjoy a nice drink. If it's a wedding shower, you must have at LEAST one type of hard liquor (rum, whiskey, vodka, etc.).
3) Some kind of game/activity. Sorry ladies, but we're not going to stand around, hold a tray of finger foods for an hour and "chat" or "mingle", clap as you open presents for an hour, and then go home. Might I suggest some Xbox? I'm sure if Robin has a baby shower and guys are invited, I know there will be a lot of Halo played. While I myself am not a big fan, Poker would be good to throw out there. Even some fun group board games like Cranium, Trivial Pursuit, or Taboo are serviceable--however, if that's all you do, you'd better have liquor there and not just beer & wine. Finally, if you don't want to do any of those, some kind of game should be put on--football, basketball, baseball, whatever. The point is, we need something that we enjoy doing, because sitting around and talking and fake laughing is not something we do well.
4) Don't take a ridiculous amount of time to open presents (especially at a baby shower where you have trouble standing up and down to hug everyone). Say thanks, give The Nod, and move on to the next one. No five minute productions on every fucking present about how excited you are and how special it is, etc., when it's an ugly punch bowl you're never going to use.

So there you go. We men are happy for you. Really. Congratulations on your baby, or your wedding. But we don't need to go to a female celebration to let you know we're happy for you. It's best if we just sit this one out.