Pet Peeves...or Things People Do That Really Piss Me Off

Morning everybody!

Now, I'm a pretty laid back guy. It takes a lot to make me angry, and it really takes a lot to annoy me. Of course, like everyone, there are things that people do that just drive me up the wall. My dear friend Nirupa and I were discussing these the other day, and I thought that I would share them with you.

Now another thing about me is I don't like to be negative. I want to focus on the good, stay positive. One of my favorite quotes is "Fix the problem, not the blame", and it would be today's quote if we weren't running Alcoholic Week in the Quote of the Day section. So, not only will I complain about these pet peeves, but I will give advice to people that have to witness these actions and are also annoyed/insulted by them. Remember: we're fixing the problem here.
Guess what time it is kids...YAY!

@ People who don't wash your hands in the bathroom: Do you have any idea how revolting you are? This one is so obvious that it shouldn't even be mentioned here, but way too many people do this. Do we not have a fundamental understanding of what germs are? I would think by now it should be pretty obvious. This is one of the simplest things you can do, and is one of the most disgusting things that you can not do.
Responses: One of my favorites is the date nonwash. You're at a movie theatre or a restaurant, and as you wash your hands, a guy comes out of the stall and walks out with you--neglecting to do something. Waiting outside is his date, whose beautiful hand is extended--and then taken--by our nonwashing compadre. Start walking up to the date and telling her, "NO!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TOUCH HIM! HE DIDN'T WASH! AND IT WASN'T EVEN THE URINAL...HE CAME OUT OF THE STALL AND HE DIDN'T WASH!" Then run screaming down the hallway.

@ People who talk on their cell phones in public bathrooms: Now don't get me wrong, I support the "phone on the pot" while at home. But in public? This happens at my office ALL THE TIME. I do not understand it. It's insulting to everyone in the bathroom. The bathroom is a quite place. The OverBathroomTalker is one of the most annoying guys out there, but to not even being talking to someone in the bathroom is even worse. It can wait! Whatever conversation you want to have can wait! We want some privacy, some peace and quiet, and a chance to read or play with our Palm Pilots/Cell Phones while in the bathroom. We don't want to hear your half of the conversation!
Responses: If he's at a urinal, go to the one next to him and flush it, so the person on the phone can hear that. If he's in a stall, go into the one next to him and flush repeatedly. Also fart as loudly as possible. If he comes in after you, and isn't sitting near you, go stand in front of his stall door and drop lines like "Good Lord, that was the best shit I've ever had!" or " Did you hear how runny that poop was? Maybe I should get somebody to look at it." Added tip: don't do this with your boss.

@ People who call coke anything other than coke (Pop, Soda, etc.): It's coke, God dammit.
Response: If it's a man, point out how gay they sound. If it's a woman, tell them to recognize the universal dominance of Coca-Cola, and call it coke. Not Coke; coke.

@ People who are nosy and don't take the hint: God I hate you. Most of the time, you're just being rude. It's not that you're not taking the hint, it's that you don't want to take the hint, so you pretend like you're not picking up on it. Well, stop. If I'd wanted to answer the question, I would have, asshole.
Responses: If you think they might just not be getting it, and you like the person, remember that it's okay to say, "You know, I just don't want to talk about that at all right now." If you think that they might just not be getting the hint and you don't like the person, say, "Are you dumb as a fucking rock? Can you not get the hint that I don't want to talk about this? Well, since Concept Clues are a topic that is obviously way too advanced for your dumb ass, let me spell it out for you: I don't want to talk about this with you; Jesus Christ, I've laid terds that are smarter than you!" If you think they are being a bitch or an asshole about it, then you can go with the direct approach: "Way to ignore the fact that I don't want to talk about it, you fucking bitch. Since you're too rude to respect my privacy, why don't you just fuck off and die?" You can also try the artful approach: "Actually, instead of talking about that subject that you know I don't want to talk about, why don't we talk about how your herpes is doing, you stupid slut?" Man this is fun just to type!
Additional Item: My favorite is when you're talking to someone, they keep bringing something up, you tell them politely that you don't want to talk about it, she gets mad, and then you ask a random question (like, "So you're going to kickboxing tonight?") in order to change the subject, and she refuses to answer the question until you answer hers. The best response to this is to laugh like she's the stupidest thing you've ever seen in your life, and hang up on her.

@ Men who don't return The Nod: This is one of the biggest insults a man can give to another man. It's not up there with sleeping with your sister...but it's close. The Nod is a sacred thing we men share with each other. We share it with the ladies on occasion, too, but it's not sacred, it's just a way to say "Hi". For a man to not return the nod is the same as walking up to a man and bitchslapping him.
Responses: Sadly, there is no middle ground here. If it's in public, go beat his ass. If it's at work, do everything you can to humiliate the guy and get him fired.

@ Men who call girlfriends/female friends "My girl" or "lady friend": Those are two of the creepiests phrases in the English language. Is there anything more insulting? Especially "lady friend". I'd rather be called a bitch or a whore than a "lady friend", if I was a woman. It's so condescending in a hoighty-toighty sort of way.
Response: If a guy hears another guy refer to his girlfriend as "My Girl", then that's a free pass to sleep with her. It'll be easy to get her, and she'll appreciate it too. You'll just have to go up and be nice to her and treat her with respect--something she is obviously not getting at home--and there is no way a guy who says that is any good in bed, because he is obviously too selfish. She's probably never even heard of half of the, umm, "things" you can do; otherwise she wouldn't be putting up with that kind of shit. (And yes, I am mostly kidding...mostly.) As for the "lady friend" comment, make fun of him immediately and as much as possible. If you're at dinner or drinking, spit your drink on him, and say, "I'm sorry; did you say 'Lady Friend'? Are you serious? You are! What kind of pervert are you? You slip women rufies, don't you? Don't lie. Remind me never to possibly share the same punch bowl with you; God knows how many hookers you've slept with." Trust me, you'll feel better in the end, and you will have struck a blow for womenkind. Or something.

So there you go people. If you do any of these things, please stop for the sake of society. Also...wave when someone does something nice for you, like if they let you in during traffic, wave. No, you don't have to, cause you don't do good deeds for rewards, but that does encourage people to continue to do good deeds, and sadly in this day and age, we need to encourage more people to do that.

You guys rock!