Top Five Extravaganza: Top Five Worst Movies, 2004
1) Van Helsing: Wow. Unbelievably bad. And you know what's so frustrating? You can see a little bit of a good story in there. They took some interesting angles on the Dracula bloodline, and I must admit I am curious about Van Helsing and his past. I feel like this was a really good script that was brought to some studio, and they went, "Oooh, we need action! And lots of graphics! And we need to be able to spin it into a couple of video games!" And by the time they were done adding on "stuff", we were left with one of the worst movies ever.
2) You Got Served: The only positive thing about this movie is the really funny South Park episode it inspired.
3) White Chicks: Wow. What an original idea for a movie. And it was then carried out by those comedic geniuses, the Wayanses. You know what movie I hate? More than anything? Major Payne. Not because it's a bad movie; it's okay, it's good, but not great. But that movie paved the way for the Wayans family to be able to make movies, and they have been TORTURING US EVER SINCE.
4) Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed: Wait, they made a second one? Like the first one wasn't bad enough? Like the original cartoon wasn't bad enough? You all know me: I love cartoons. And I HATE Scooby Doo! Go away!
5) The Village: There are movies in Dishonorable Mention that are actually worse, but when you factor in expectations, this had to make the list. M. Night lost it with this movie. It didn't even make sense. SPOILERS TO FOLLOW! We care so much about our children we will leave evil society, YET WE'LL SEND THE FRICKING BLIND GIRL ALONE INTO THE FOREST!! And the surprise ending? Shoot me in the head. Wow, that's a shocking climax: it's just a bunch of idiot hippies in the forest! Glad I sat through 2 hours for that.
Dishonorable Mention: Jersey Girl, Havana Nights: Dirty Dancing 2, Little Black Book (HAHAHAHAHA Barry), Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid (who actually said, "Hey, let's make another one of these!"), Secret Window (Ten minutes into the movie I thought, "Surely what's going on isn't as simple as what I think it is." Two hours later...yep, I should have left at ten minutes), Seed of Chucky, 13 Going on 30 (She has a man face!), any Lindsey Lohan movie, any Ben Stiller movie.
2) You Got Served: The only positive thing about this movie is the really funny South Park episode it inspired.
3) White Chicks: Wow. What an original idea for a movie. And it was then carried out by those comedic geniuses, the Wayanses. You know what movie I hate? More than anything? Major Payne. Not because it's a bad movie; it's okay, it's good, but not great. But that movie paved the way for the Wayans family to be able to make movies, and they have been TORTURING US EVER SINCE.
4) Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed: Wait, they made a second one? Like the first one wasn't bad enough? Like the original cartoon wasn't bad enough? You all know me: I love cartoons. And I HATE Scooby Doo! Go away!
5) The Village: There are movies in Dishonorable Mention that are actually worse, but when you factor in expectations, this had to make the list. M. Night lost it with this movie. It didn't even make sense. SPOILERS TO FOLLOW! We care so much about our children we will leave evil society, YET WE'LL SEND THE FRICKING BLIND GIRL ALONE INTO THE FOREST!! And the surprise ending? Shoot me in the head. Wow, that's a shocking climax: it's just a bunch of idiot hippies in the forest! Glad I sat through 2 hours for that.
Dishonorable Mention: Jersey Girl, Havana Nights: Dirty Dancing 2, Little Black Book (HAHAHAHAHA Barry), Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid (who actually said, "Hey, let's make another one of these!"), Secret Window (Ten minutes into the movie I thought, "Surely what's going on isn't as simple as what I think it is." Two hours later...yep, I should have left at ten minutes), Seed of Chucky, 13 Going on 30 (She has a man face!), any Lindsey Lohan movie, any Ben Stiller movie.
posted by Michael Pondrom at 11:24 AM
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