Western Conference Preview

The Scrubs

15. Seattle Supersonics
Let’s see. Seattle has Ray Allen, one of my favorite shooting guards in the league, and a genuine star. They have Rashard Lewis, who’s a nice little player, but will never be anything more than a nice little player. After that…they have absolutely nothing. I mean, this is a team that is excited about getting Nick Collison back from injury. And I’m not saying all white guys from Kansas suck, I’m just saying that, well, all players from Kansas kind of end up sucking in the NBA (when Danny Manning’s so-so career is the best you have to offer, you’re in trouble). And Mike, I love you, please don’t kill me.

14. LA Clippers
Congratulations Clips! You made a legitimate run at Kobe! For the first time ever, you actually looked like you were going to spend some money on a free agent. Some cynics out there—cynics whose names I won’t mention, but one of which is really tall and apparently eats young children—might think that the reason you went after Kobe was because you knew he would never sign with you, and you just wanted to save face when—once again—you didn’t spend any money on players. But hey, you fooled the media, and the effort was there.

While putting all your eggs in the basket of a guy who cheats on his wife, and then says to the media/fans, “Y’all know me. Y’all know I wouldn’t do this.”, you lost your starting 2-guard and second best player. But hey, you did get Kerry Kittles, who is half the player the guy you lost was, but he’s at least decent. Wait, what’s that? Well…shit. He’s hurt to start the season.

I feel so sorry for Elton Brand, a great player and apparently a really good guy. He’s the only Dukie I’ve ever really liked. And he’s stuck on the worst franchise in sports.

13. Golden State Warriors
The Golden State Warriors, according to most media reports, seem to be this year’s Memphis Grizzlies: the team that has been crappy for years that will suddenly be better. I have one question though: Why? Why should this team better? I think it’s because they added Chris Mullin to the front office this past season. However, based on the following moves, I don’t see why we should be all that excited about him. It’s time to use one of my favorite items, the bullet point list (anybody want to set an over/under on how many times I pull out this bad boy?):
 He signed Adonal Foyle to a $41 million dollar contract this offseason. He averaged 3.1 points and 3.8 rebounds last year.
 He signed Derek Fisher, Mr. “Wow I’ve got to cash in RIGHT NOW before everyone realizes that I have just been riding Shaq and Kobe’s tails these past few years” to a $38 million contract.
 He added Christian Laetner (the biggest team cancer in the history of sports? Probably not…Terrel Owens has him beat, I’m sure, but it’s close) and the oft-injured, will never be as good as he was his first couple of seasons (which weren’t that great) Eduardo Najera.
 He’s counting on Jason Richardson (who’s not a bad player, but this guy just doesn’t do it for me. He’ll never be great; Hell, he won’t ever be very good), Mike Dunlevey (hmmm…let’s count on a white guy from Duke! That’s worked well in the past!), Troy Murphy (who had showed some promise of being a good player, but missed most of last season with an ankle injury. Just ask Grant Hill how that works out), and a French guy named Michael Pietrus to continue to improve and lead the team to victory. The Warriors’ expectations for all of these guys are way too high.

In other words, the Warriors, once again, will suck.

12. New Orleans Hornets
Welcome to the West, dudes. Well let’s see. They have two All-Stars on their team, one of whom shot 39% last year, and one of whom everyone was furious was actually picked as an All-Star because they wanted Lebron in the game instead. Now, both of these guys have complained publicly about the ownership of the team and the direction the team is heading in. Your best player, Jamal Mashburn, is out for the year. You have a new coach, who I consider one of the biggest asses in the NBA, and a poor coach. You have a guard-oriented team with guys who can’t contend with the centers and power forwards in the Western Conference. AND you play in New Orleans, which is in Louisiana, which is evil.

Welcome to the neighborhood! Best of luck to you!

11. Portland Trailblazers
Now this is a halfway decent team. I miss the old crazy Blazer’s teams, though. And this is the worst: they are still half crazy, with Damon Stoudamire, Qyntel Woods, Nick Van Exel, and Sebastian Telfair on this team. But half crazy isn’t crazy enough. I miss wondering if the Blazers were going to attack an opponent, attack a teammate, or just sit down at midcourt and start crying. Remember: Thugz cry too.

As for the team: eh. Not really a lot to say. They’re better than the really bad guys, but not good. They’re not really going anywhere right now. This franchise needs a MAJOR overhaul in its front office. Let’s just move on.

Good teams that can beat anyone on any given night, but can also lose to anyone on any given night.

10. Memphis Grizzlies
Okay now it gets hard. I really can’t decide how exactly this group shakes out. Oh well, we’ll give it the old college try.

There’s something about this Memphis team I just don’t like. It might be that it’s in Memphis, and they’re named the Grizzlies. Will the NBA please make a rule that when you move to a new city, you have to choose a new name? Please? This is really starting to bother me. Sorry about that…anyway, the Grizzlies are asking Stromile Swift, Bonzi Wells, and Lorenzen Wright to play an unselfish, team oriented game for two years in a row. I just have a hard time believing they can successfully do this for that long. However, this team is SO well balanced. You’ve got to love that about them. This is such a rarity in the NBA: a truly balanced, well coached, and disciplined team. It’s nice to watch. The other thing about the Grizzlies, though, is that I think that last year they surprised some people. This year, people know to take them seriously. So that’s why I’m going with tenth.

It’s at this point, though, that I remind you that the Western Conference is STACKED. Even though I have them finishing tenth, this is a very good team, and would probably finish third or fourth in the East. Seriously.

9. Sacramento Kings
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I’ve been waiting years to write this! The Kings are back where they belong…in the gutter!!!

You see, I hate Chris Webber. HATE HIM. He’s a bitch. All he does his whine, and complain, and pout, and choke. That’s all he’s ever done his entire career. If you want, let me know, and I’ll give you specific details. So watching him fail makes me happy.

Webber is still coming back from knee surgery, and frankly, I don’t think he’ll ever be the player he was before the surgery. Their best player last year, Peja Stojakovic, has openly feuded with Webber before the season even started, and is also angry that his team traded Vlade, his best friend. He’s asked to be traded. I think this is the year Bobby Jackson finally demands to start, and starts pouting when he doesn’t. Doug Christie is 34, and is an “energy player”, and energy players do not get better with age. They also have one of the top 5 worst coaches in the league. Finally, their owners finally changed from “we’ll spend anything to win!” to “ummm…this team costs how much?”

I just get the feeling that this is the year it all goes horribly wrong. This is a team of talented losers that the SECOND the going gets tough or something goes wrong, they fold. Well, before the season has even started, they are bickering and arguing among themselves. And I think Vlade was a much more important locker room piece than anyone has realized. He helped give this team a semblance of calm; now Chris Webber is their fearless leader. That’s like following John Kerry into battle :-)


8. Los Angeles Lakers
Nothing would make me happier than having the Lakers miss the playoffs. However, and it kills me to say this, but I’m too scared of Kobe. I hate him, but he is SO good. It helps that the refs call everything for him, but still. And I’m sorry, but I like the Shaq trade more than most people. They got some talent back for him. I’m not saying they should have traded him; but of all the trades that were available, I thought this was one of, if not the, best.

See, I think this team is either going to gel together, and be a little better than everyone thinks (7th or 8th), or they are going to crash, and finish 10th or 11th, and Kobe will absolutely lose it. If this starts to go bad, mark my words: it will NOT be pretty. Kobe won’t be able to handle it. But he got what he wished for…he has the chance to build this team in his own image. Good luck with that, cheater.

One suggestion to the Lakers: find a good point guard. Fast. I would kill whoever I had to in order to get Eric Snow in here.

7. Phoenix Suns
I love the potential for this team. I think signing Steve Nash is EXACTLY what they needed, though they did overpay him BIG TIME. Amare Stoudamire, Shawn Marion, Joe Johnson, and Quentin Richardson are all great players. They needed a good point guard to set things up, and get everyone the ball in the right places at the right time. Steve Nash is one of the last good points. His outside shooting will also be a big plus. And with guys like Amare, Jake Voskhul, and Matrix (Marion) behind him, his defensive liabilities won’t be as bad.

This team isn’t done tinkering…I’ll be shocked if Marion, Johnson, and Richardson are all on the team this time next year (Marion is the most likely to move). But this is going to be a fun team to watch, and they will get better as the season goes on.

6. Your Dallas Mavericks!
If you’d asked me after the Dampier trade, I would have put the Mavs in 10th. But I’m starting to buy into this (and this very much could be the homer in me).

Even if Dampier is half the player he was for Golden State last year, he’s still the best center the Mavs have had in years, and is at least a threat that opposing teams have to think about. I’ve always liked Jason Terry. I don’t know what it is…normally I’m good about staying away from undersized guards, but I’ve always like him as a player, and his career stats back me up (though they are with the Hawks). I’ve heard nothing but good things about Devin Harris’ play in summer league. Hopefully Marquis Daniels will wait another year or two before going Roy Tarpley on us (I’m telling you, he’s crazy). And Dirk should bounce back to where he was two years ago after a very sub-par season last year.

So this is a nice little team, with some potential to grow. I don’t really ever see it being a champion, though. Close, but no cigar.

5. Utah Jazz
This team is like the Grizzlies: very deep, very well coached, good game plan. They have smarter and more talented players, as well. Carlos Arroyo (PG), Raul Lopez (PG), Raja Bell (SG), Gordon Giricek (SG), Matt Harpring (SF—I love this guy too, he’s got a great game), Andre Kirilenko (F), Carlos Boozer (PF), Mehmet Okur (C), and Jarron Collins (C). That’s a 9 deep team, and that’s a pretty good front line (Kirilenko, Boozer, and Okur, though I think Okur is overrated). With those three running around down low, Giricek and Harpring are going to get TONS of looks from the outside (and they will make you pay), and they have a true point guard in Arroyo. Also, like him or not, Jerry Sloan has proved to be an excellent coach. And he’s funny to listen to; that man literally calls em like he sees em, and he’s not above beating someone’s ass.

Two things concern me about this team: gelling and karma. Gelling is very important in basketball, and with some teams more than others. Last season, this was a team built on hard work and chemistry that overachieved. Tinkering with that is always a hard thing to do. However, I think Utah has been smart about who they have added, so I don’t think that will be a problem. They should be able to Gel, and fairly quickly.

The major thing is karma. And yes, we are talking about the Carlos Boozer thing. What he did was unprofessional, despicable, and just begging to have the gods rain curses down upon them. For those of you who don’t know, because he played well, the Cleveland Cavaliers—who drafted Boozer and gave him his chance to play in the league—allowed Boozer to opt out of the last year of his contract. This last year would have paid him about $670k. They did this to sign him to a 6 year, 45 mil contract, paying about $7.5 mil a year. They could have had him for another year at $670k, but in order to get this taken care of, and reward him for doing a good job, they were willing to give him the raise he earned.

Well, he opted out of his contract, and then signed with the Jazz for 6 years, 66 million. The 45 million the Cavs offered him were the most the Cavs could pay him under league rules.

To make matters worse…the owner of the Cavs is a BLIND GUY. He stabbed a blind guy in the back! If that is not inviting misfortune on yourself and your team, I don’t know what is.

Still, I don’t think that will happen. I think the Jazz will be pretty good.

A cut above the last, but a cut below the next…

4. Houston Rockets
If any of the “Big Four” in the West has a chance to falter, it’s this team. Houston has a chance to have an unbelievable team. They have two of the most dominant players in the NBA: Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. They have some good role players: Jim Jackson (who I love), Juwan Howard, Maurice Taylor, Bob Sura (who I also love, and shall be henceforth referred to as “Little Bobby Sura”), Tyronne Lue. But they have some serious questions (can you believe it’s been this long since my last list):
 Can TMac and Yao really coexist? I have some serious questions about this. First of all, I don’t think Yao is quite as good as most people think he is, and I think he’s going to have trouble going from playing with Steve Francis—who at least tried to have fun with him—to McGrady. Also, I think TMac is going to have a LOT of trouble adapting his game to fit with Yao’s. As soon as he became any good, he demanded out in Toronto, and he was the first, second, and last option every single time in Orlando. For a wing player, having to suddenly accustom your game to not only playing with someone else, but playing with a dominant big man, can be a big transition—a transition McGrady has never been asked to make before. It won’t be easy for him.
 As far as I’m concerned, the Rockets have three (Ming, McGrady, Jim Jackson) and a half (Howard) starters, and the rest of the team is nothing but backups. The desperately need a good starting point guard. They also desperately need a good outside shooter, preferably at shooting guard. It’s hard to win with 3.5 starters, no matter how good those 3.5 are.
 Can McGrady and Jeff Van Gundy coexist? TMac is NOT going to be interested in sacrificing his offense for Jeff’s New York Knick’s style “knock em down and only score 80 points” system. Jeff is going to have to adapt his coaching philosophy somewhat to take advantage of Tracy and Yao’s skills, and Tracy is going to have to learn and want to play defense for once in his life.

The problem is I think this is going to be a much more difficult transition than people realize. I also think Yao is just happy to be here, and when adversity happens on his team, he shrinks away a little. I also think if things start going bad and Tracy isn’t getting his way, he’ll pout and want out. So we’ll just have to see how the team deals with what I’m sure will be a difficult transition getting started. There is a lot of talent on this team…it’s just all wrapped up in two to four places, and I wonder a little about those two to four places.

Bad Azz Mo Fos

3. Denver Nuggets
As we learned earlier this offseason…OH MY GOD I FRICKIN LOVE THIS TEAM. I think if they manage to keep this team together, they could dominate the NBA for YEARS. I can’t understand it. I’m seriously having trouble with the fact that I’m this excited about the crappy Denver Nuggets. The lineup:
 Point Guard: Andre Miller, Earl Boykins. Andre Miller is a top ten—and arguably top five—point guard in the league. Earl Boykins would be starting for several teams in the league (like Houston).
 Shooting Guard: Veshon Leonard, Greg Buckner. Leonard is a great spot up shooter, and the perfect compliment to this team. Team USA could have really used him this summer. I’d rather have Jon Barry, but Greg Buckner is a tough player and an excellent backup here (if he stays healthy).
 Small Forward: Carmelo Anthony. And after the Olympics, he will have a HUGE chip on his shoulder, and has already said he’s got something to prove this season.
 Power Forward: Kenyon Martin, Nikoloz Tdhafljafepfhaiogpahvazczfe. How again did they get Ken? Without giving up any players? Without even giving up any really good draft picks? It’s almost not fair. And if Nikoloz, a former third pick who’s been a bust, starts to give them anything…wow, I’ll wet myself. One sour note: they’ll miss Chris Anderson. The fun guy who plays crazy and mixes things up so the other team is confused is always missed a little. But they’ll survive.
 Center: Nene Hillario, Marcus Camby. They have two good centers? Both are guys who would start on 90% of the rest of the teams in the league? Isn’t there a rule against this?

Trust me on this: this team will get better and better and better as the season goes on. By the end of the year, no team in the league will be as feared in the playoffs as the Denver Nuggets. And they’re going to be fun to watch! I think I’m going to pee my pants I’m so excited.

And yes…I am drunk right now.

2. San Antonio Spurs
We all know the Spurs. They’ve had the same team for about 20 years. They only made one significant off season addition: adding Brent Barry. Brent Barry is an excellent passer and outside shooter, and is the perfect fit for this team, and they will be better now that they have him. However, some media outlets seem ready to mail the trophy to the Spurs because they signed him. Let’s slow down there kids; he’s still just a Barry.

There’s one thing that bothers me about the Spurs: the fact that they choked against the Lakers in the playoffs last year. Now Carly is calling hit men to take me out, but I’m sorry, it’s true. There’s a big difference between losing to a team and choking. It says something about your character, your confidence, who you are. And I know that Derek Fischer’s shot was a miracle; that doesn’t count. The problem was the Spurs laid down after that. It was like they said, “Well, after that miracle shot, we have an excuse to lose to them, so we’ll go ahead and use that and head to the golf courses.” Now, of course, the Lakers are no longer a threat…but that soft underbelly still remains, and it bothers me a little.

But don’t worry, Timmy & Co will still be great this year.

1. Minnesota Timberwolves
This team won the West last year with all of the following happening:
 Half of their starting lineup missed half of the season due to injuries.
 Their prize free agent starting center was worse than useless he was so bad. The Wolves were better with Mark Madsen at center than Michael frickin Olowakandi.
 They had to overcome personal demons as the season progressed.
 They were integrating several radically new players into their lineup.

This season, they return basically the same team. They’ve taken care of any drama the media could dream up for them last year, and are now focused solely on winning a title. They should be healthier this year. They have a year’s worth of experience playing together. There is no way Olowakandi can play worse than he did last year. They even have the token “really talented but crazy guy who will either be a big plus for us this year, or we’ll cut his ass and forget he was ever on the team (Eddie Griffin)”. This team will be awesome this year. If they can just stay healthy throughout the playoffs, they will be the unquestionable favorites.

And let’s not forget: they still have the one player in all of Professional Sports who cares about the game he plays; who cares only about winning; who has fun while he’s playing; who loves his teammates and his fans and wants to be loved by them; who is the last of a dying breed of athletes that you can actually look up to and admire. Oh yeah, and he’s one of the top five players in the NBA.

I’m speaking, of course, about Kevin Garnett, the reigning MVP. Cheer for him loudly and with pride, and enjoy him while it lasts, because he is truly the last of his kind.